Ten Days Without Dawn or How I Survived Alone with Our Pets

Dawns mother had surgery recently. So, Dawn, being a good daughter, decided to help her mother during her recovery time. Ten days in Wisconsin while I stayed home and cared for the pets was not something I was looking forward to. What follows is a daily account of my time alone with the animals.

Friday
Took Dawn to the airport. Visited ex-wife and son in Richmond Virginia. Returned home following day. Cats unhappy. Litter boxes relatively clean. Easy job scooping. Rather painless.

Sunday Morning
Noticed that none of the cats slept with me. Strange. Normally they pile on the bed and I have to wrestle around for space to sleep.
Cleaned litter boxes. Much gagging. Someone poops big like a human. Better check what they are eating.

Sunday Afternoon
Cats fighting in the Zen room. Everyone wants to lay on Dawns pillows. Stanley, Dora, and Sampson seem to have won the right to lay there for the time being.
Cleaned litter boxes. Meditated before hand. Useless. Still gagged. Puked in mouth a little bit.

Sunday Evening
Forgot to feed cats. Sampson tried to pull all of the vents out of the floor and Chloe tore a hole in the wall paper by the food dishes.
Fed cats.
Cleaned litter boxes. Chloe joined me for bedtime cuddles.

Monday Morning
Chloe was the only cat who slept in the bed last night. Got up and saw every cat sleeping in the places where Dawn sits. Obviously they miss her.
Bear is screaming up a storm! I thought he might have impaled himself on something. Ran into the hall to find Bear and Bobcat pacing back and forth across the hall. Offered them cat toys and cuddles. They won't go near me.
Tension in air. Something is going to jump off soon. Better be careful.
Cleaned litter boxes. Found tinsel in poop. Where the hell did they get tinsel???

Monday Afternoon
Couldn't find source of tinsel.
Let Milton out. He ran down the hall to the Zen room and slept on Dawn's pillows. Tried to play with him. He buzzed and thumped his hind feet at me and ran away.
Jasper ran out of the house. Picked him up in the yard and he bit me. Damn cat!
Bear paces up and down the hallway screaming. Everyone try's to ignore him.

Monday Evening
Made pork chops, fried potatoes and corn. The cats love that meal. No one joined me. Everyone was M.I.A. the whole time I cooked. Chloe came for a few bites of pork toward the end of supper.
Missing Dawn like crazy.
Don't want to clean litter boxes on a full stomach. I'll leave them till tomorrow.

Early Tuesday Morning 2:00 AM
Severe shrieking and howling in the front room. Bolted out of bed to find all the cats looking out the windows and at the front door. Expected intruders. Turned on outside lights and looked out windows. Nothing. Returned to bed. On way back to bedroom Jasper ran up behind me and bit me in the back of the knee. Damn cat!

Early Tuesday Morning 2:30 AM
Chloe is under the bed growling up a storm. She sounds like a didgeridoo. Got up to see what was going on. Looked under the bed to find Chloe, Sampson, and Stanley in a Mexican Stand-Off. Tried to break it up only to get scratched and hissed at.
Screw 'em. I'm going in the guest bed.

2:45 AM
Screaming under guest room bed. Got up, went in master bedroom and closed door. I'll let them fight it out in the hall.

Tuesday Morning
I will never ever let the cat boxes go overnight without cleaning. It looked like they were trying to make small mud huts in there. Did they save it up just for this occasion? How can such small animals make such incredible structures????
Silver and blue tinsel in litter boxes. They must have a secret stash of tinsel somewhere.

Tuesday Afternoon
Forgot to feed cats this morning. Came out of office to find five sets of eyes staring at me. When I got into the kitchen there was a new hole tore in the wallpaper next to the bowls.
Made lunch. Let Milton out. Got bit in the ankle by Milton. Realized I hadn't refilled his Timothy hay from yesterday. He is spoiled, he gets fresh Timothy hay every day. Far be it from me to miss a day and expect to go 24 hours without being accosted.

Tuesday Evening
Went grocery shopping. Returned home to find a potted plant turned over in the kitchen. Looks like they took turns running and sliding through the dirt. Spent half hour cleaning kitchen. Forgot about groceries on kitchen table. Someone tore into the beef roast and someone else has an odd fascination with onions. Had to squeeze an entire loaf of bread into a Tupperware bowl because someone chewed through the bag. Whole pork chop missing from family pack. Searched entire house. Can't find it.

Wednesday
Spent majority of day at library and coffee shop. Scared to go home.
Finally got up the nerve to go home. Entered front door slowly. Nothing out of place. Air is thick with tension. Something is going to go horribly wrong because whenever I look at a cat they stop moving. Then the next thing I know they are closer to me like the Weeping Angels of Doctor Who fame.

Thursday Night
Woke to the sound of someone wretching. It was worse than the sound of a hairball so I got up to investigate. Found Bear on top of the stereo cabinet making violent heaving gyrations and noises. Suddenly he chucked up a waterfall of liquid directly onto Sampson who was standing below him wondering what was happening. Samson didn't take it well, he bolted into the kitchen and scared Stanley who was probably in there walking on the counters when he isn't supposed to. As quickly as Sampson entered the kitchen Stanley shot out, slipped in the vomit on the floor and puffed up with a Christmas tree tail. Instead of running down the hall toward me he turned and ran up the pile of pillows next to the lamp in the far side of the livingroom. Where he was expecting to go is beyond me. When he reached the top of the pile both the lamp and the pillows came crashing down. This terrified the remaining cats in the living room. Everywhere I looked there was a cat running for its life and they all were puffy with Christmas tree tails.
As quickly as it happened it was over. Complete silence fell across the house. Then softly, like a whisper, the smell of cat vomit met my nose.
Found Sampson and Stanley under the guest bed. Thank God for hardwood floors. Extracted them from under the bed and wiped them off with a warm wash cloth. Sparked up the steam cleaner and cleaned under guest bed. Found 38 cents.
Steam cleaned living room floor. Heard cats fighting in Zen room. Went to investigate. Jasper and Sampson knocked over my coffee cup. Steam cleaned Zen room floor. Found 90 cents. What are the cats saving up for?

Friday Night
Went to corner. Bought twelve pack of beer. Returned home. Locked myself in bedroom. Forgot that I would have to venture back into the main part of the house if I wanted another beer. Screw drinking. I'm safe in here with the door closed.
Scratching at door. Looked to see two sets of paws poking out from under the door. Almost broke down and let cats in. Feel like prisoner in my own house.
Crawled out bedroom window. Had to sneak in back door to get twelve pack out of extra fridge. Couldn't climb back in bedroom window because screen slammed shut and latched. I must look like a complete idiot climbing out of windows and swinging a twelve pack around the yard.
Front door locked. Neighbor saw me. Asks if everything is OK. Tell him "No, I'm hiding from my cats." He looks at me like I've lost my mind. Offer him a beer. He turns and goes back in his house.
Sneak in back door. Tiptoe to bedroom with twelve pack. Bedroom door locked. Overcome with shame. Sit in hall and drink two beers. Cats come for cuddles and pets. I know its just a matter of time before they kill me.

Saturday Morning
I'm still alive. I feel like someone poured death and hot garbage in my stomach. Head spinning.
Never ever ever clean litter boxes with a hang over.
Went back to bed. Woke to the sound of something crashing in the kitchen. Rolled over and wept softly. Cried myself to sleep. Woke to the sound of screeching and howling. Pulled covers over my head.
Woke up to go to the bathroom and shower.
Went back to bed.

Saturday Afternoon.
Took out garbage, cleaned litter boxes, made stew. Only one more day until Dawn comes home.

Sunday Morning
Up early cleaning house. Want everything perfect for Dawn when she gets back. Cats work against me all day long. Knock over cleaning products. Puddles of Mr. Clean on bathroom floor. Knock over Ajax. Green powdered footprints all over kitchen and living room.
Sit down for a break. Bear knocks coffee cup onto laptop. My litany of curses scares cats into parts unknown. Close all bedroom doors. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Now they can stay locked in there until I go to pick up Dawn!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Sunday Night
Pick up Dawn at airport. Had wonderful ride home. Get home. Forgot to let cats out of bedrooms. Push past Dawn to get into house first. Let cats out. Dawn sees me opening the last bedroom door. She says, "Oh, I would have just locked them in the mudroom with the litter boxes and put the food and water in there for them if they were giving you a hard time."
Solitary silver tear wells up in right eye. Slides down cheek. Nerves shot. Glad wife is home.
Dawn sees holes in wallpaper and scolds me. Cleans litter boxes and sees tinsel in poop and scolds me. Finds a dozen empty beer cans in the recycling and scolds me. Finds kitchen plant on back deck half dead and scolds me. Finds sharp bone from missing pork chop under kitchen table and scolds me.

At that point I simply wrapped her in my arms and gave her a great big kiss and a hug. As I stood there holding her I mouthed the words, "Just wait, your day is coming!" to the cats. Then one by one we drifted back toward the bedroom and settled in for the night. And yes, everyone piled on the bed for cuddles.

From On High

Went to visit The Neighbor Lady and her family this evening. They had friends visiting from out of town and they wanted us to meet each other. Everyone was very nice and we all were having a great time. The adults were seated in the living room enjoying coffee and after dinner drinks while the children played in the spare room off the living room. From where we were sitting we could see down the few carpeted steps into the spare room and we all commented on how well the boys were playing together. That is, until a wicked shriek pierced the air.

The Neighbor Lady shot up like she was fired out of a cannon, "Oh mah gawd! Whut's wrong?" and she ran toward the kids. The other adults followed suit. Children scream from time to time but this scream was blood curdling. I fully expected to see someone bleeding at a minimum and missing teeth would not have been a surprise.

About the time the rest of the adults reached the top of the steps they all froze in their tracks as if they hit an invisible wall. Suddenly The Neighbor Lady screamed a few curse words and all at once, as if driven back by evil forces, every adult turned and bolted back into the living room. The looks on their faces were a mixture of horror and disgust.

What on Earth had happened in there I wondered? Then just as the crowd was parting, a horrible smell met my nose. The smell was a combination of fear, confusion and hot poop. I gagged, turned, and ran for the kitchen. I didn't have any children in that room so there was really no reason for me to hang around. Whatever had happened in there was completely up to the parents to handle. I get wild when faced with strange feces. Actually, feces in any capacity, in any setting, can really put me off my game so to speak.

I came to a stop on the far side of the kitchen. Kevin, the neighbor ladies husband, was right behind me. I turned and looked at him. He was white and looked like he was about to barf.

"Kevin! What the hell did you see?" I demanded.

"Oh gawd Mike! I think sumthin' shat all over the kids!" His eyes were wild with fear. "Connor had it in his hair and Bobby's little boy might'a had it on his face!" Just then we heard a quivering voice shout from the spare room, "Stop touching it! Gaaahhgg....urrrp. Oh, gawd...its every...guuurp."

The next moment The Neighbor Lady and the other mother came out of the room holding their weeping children in front of them at arms length. What I saw scared me more than anything else in my entire life. There was feces everywhere. On the mothers, on the kids, it was on faces and in hair and on hands.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What happened in there?" Bobby whispered. Kevin gulped, "Um, I think sumthin' shitted all over the kids." I looked at Kevin, "What the hell do you mean something? We are the only people in the house Kevin. Are you saying something hovered in the air and took a dump on the boys?"

"Mike, I swear ta gawd it looked like they got shitted on from above!" he replied.

We stood there in the kitchen, three husbands each holding a mixed drink, looking through the living room, down the hall toward the bathroom where the women were tending to the children. We could see Dawn standing outside the bathroom door with her arms crossed. She had a confused look on her face. Once in a while she would squint and wrinkle up her face and step back a bit. We didn't want to imagine what she saw.

Bobby broke the silence. He whispered, "You mean ta say it rained poop in yer spare room. That jus' don' make no sense Kevin. That don' make no sense a'tall." I laughed, "Maybe you should bring the boys a change of clothes Kevin so the women don't have to track poop all over the house. Somebody is gonna have to clean up the spare room and if you try to appear helpful then maybe they won't make you do it." Kevin looked at me, "Lets grab some beers and go in the garage. Better yet, lets jus' leave. We got cell phones. Grab some beers Mike and we can go out through the back door." Kevin is brilliant.

I grabbed a six pack and headed for the door. I waved to Dawn and put my finger to my lips to tell her to be quiet. She waved me off as if to say, "RUN MIKE RUN!"
You could have heard a mouse pissing on cotton as we opened the door and crept across the back deck. We didn't close the car doors all the way until we were half way down the driveway. A few minutes later Kevin pulled into a fire lane and turned off the car. I grabbed the six pack and placed it on the hood. Then Kevin broke the silence, "We gonna be sum sufferin' son's-a-bitches when we get home." I just looked at the ground and popped my beer open. Then Bobby did the same and took a big long drink from his beer, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, chucked the cap into the darkness and said, "Kevin, jus' whut in the hell did you see now? Which one of em done it? Mine or yer kid cause we got ta know who the hell ta git after." Kevin clanked his beer down onto the hood. "I'm tellin' you them kids didn' do it. Sumthin shitted on em from on high! Fer God as my witness I know whut I saw. It came from on high!" I laughed and nearly shot beer out my nose. "You don't have to get biblical about it Kevin!"

Just then Kevin's phone rang. He answered it and we could hear The Neighbor Lady reading him the riot act. She finished. Kevin said goodbye and promised we would be home soon and hung up. We stood there frozen, waiting for him to say something. He finished his beer, chucked it in the woods and grabbed a new one. "Well, first of all the kids were shitted on from above. One of em grabbed the dog and squeezed the hell out'a her. She must'couldn'ta been able to hold it in an' she blew like one of them geezer things in Yeller' Stone Park."

We couldn't take it. Bobby and I fell to the ground laughing. After a while we caught our breath, finished the last few beers, jumped in the car and laughed all the way back to the house.

Dear Cats

Dear Cats,

Yes, I said cat's. That means all of you. I can not imagine that with all of the damage in the house last night that any of you are entirely innocent.

Let me run down the list of things that are absolutely out of line that you are all responsible for.

Why was Bobcat locked in the den? I shouldn't have to explain why its a bad idea close anyone off from access to the litter boxes. What if he had to take a dump? You are lucky he didn't make a mess in there! Actually, it was the sound of Bobcat crying that alerted us to the turmoil in the house in the first place. He sounds like a crippled tornado siren when he gets scared. Maybe that's why you keep doing it to him? I really don't know and I don't care. The next time I wake up to the sound of him or anyone else yeowling at 4:00 AM on a SATURDAY morning I'm gonna go supernova. 

Somebody might get sold to gypsies!

Guest bathroom toilet paper. Why is it half off of the roll, some in the toilet with remainder in the shower and hallway? It's toilet paper. It's not that serious.

Master bathroom toilet paper. Not only is it ALL off of the roll but someone decided to shred it into the smallest of bits. It was also dragged, in ragged chunks, down the hallway and into the Dr. Pepper puddle in the kitchen.

Ms. Mousey's cage. Why is it sideways on the table? Her wheel is broken! It goes, 'squee-clunk, squee-clunk, squee-clunk'. I know it still turns, but do you know what that sound does to my nervous system? She did not break that wheel by herself. The wheel is made of steel! Thankfully she is still alive and the cage was never breached. I don't know how you did it but its your fault.

Refrigerator door open with various items taken out and sampled. No need to elaborate. But know this, heads are gonna roll. People food is not cheap! Neither is electricity. The kitchen floor was freezing and the water bottles were sweaty! And whoever was chewing on the onion...you truly are a dummy.  There were open hot dogs one shelf up.

Brand new two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in middle of kitchen floor. It was sealed and safely on the counter when I went to bed. I found it completely open with all of the contents spilled onto the floor. My mind reels at how you thumbless cretins got the bottle open in the first place.

I still can't find the cap! 

Something tells me it was either a concerted effort by two or more of you or an act of God. And why is there an amazing amount of cat food in the puddle? You actually had to push piles of cat food  all the way around the kitchen island in order to get it in there. Were you rooting in it like pigs? Its been there for a while too because the pieces are all swollen with soda. The chicken-leg shaped pieces look like turkey legs now and the tiny fish look like carp. A mess like that belongs on the floor of some kind of freaky slaughter house. Not in the middle of my kitchen!

What happened to the cable TV remote control? It was chewed to smithereens and lying in the puddle of Dr. Pepper as well. Half the buttons can't be read anymore! How do you expect me to navigate my way through all the garbage programming on cable TV in order to find the nature shows everyone likes to watch? You know the ones with the lions and birds and stuff that you swat at? Yeah, how the heck am I supposed to find them if I have no idea what the buttons do anymore? NO, I'm not going to stumble through every menu and every permutation of buttons till I find the show you like. Not gonna happen. Now we can all sit and stare at the radio like they used to in the old days.
Oh, you don't know whats going on during the radio programs? Well, fix the remote! Oh, you don't have thumbs? Well how the hell did you get the soda bottle open?

Cat food. Someone is going to confess to this. Who opened the cupboard and chewed through the cat food bag? The one next to it was open you clowns! All you had to do was look and you would have noticed it. Never mind that their was still food in your bowls when Bobcat woke us up!

God does not drink soda so quit blaming the Dr. Pepper thing on him.

Why was Milton loose? Who helped him open his cage? Why would you want him loose in the first place? All he does is hump you when he's loose. He is a rabbit. He humps anything that moves! The only one who seems to enjoy that is Bobcat and he was locked in the den so we know he didn't do it. 

Far be it from us to save you from Milton's affections any more. 

You asked for it! 

You got it! 

Normally we supervise his out of cage time so no one gets humped. But, from now on, whenever Milton is loose, he gets to wander around the house and stalk anyone he likes. Don't cry if he gets you either! I know it hurts. Just go somewhere and walk it off.

Sincerely,

Dad