From On High

Went to visit The Neighbor Lady and her family this evening. They had friends visiting from out of town and they wanted us to meet each other. Everyone was very nice and we all were having a great time. The adults were seated in the living room enjoying coffee and after dinner drinks while the children played in the spare room off the living room. From where we were sitting we could see down the few carpeted steps into the spare room and we all commented on how well the boys were playing together. That is, until a wicked shriek pierced the air.

The Neighbor Lady shot up like she was fired out of a cannon, "Oh mah gawd! Whut's wrong?" and she ran toward the kids. The other adults followed suit. Children scream from time to time but this scream was blood curdling. I fully expected to see someone bleeding at a minimum and missing teeth would not have been a surprise.

About the time the rest of the adults reached the top of the steps they all froze in their tracks as if they hit an invisible wall. Suddenly The Neighbor Lady screamed a few curse words and all at once, as if driven back by evil forces, every adult turned and bolted back into the living room. The looks on their faces were a mixture of horror and disgust.

What on Earth had happened in there I wondered? Then just as the crowd was parting, a horrible smell met my nose. The smell was a combination of fear, confusion and hot poop. I gagged, turned, and ran for the kitchen. I didn't have any children in that room so there was really no reason for me to hang around. Whatever had happened in there was completely up to the parents to handle. I get wild when faced with strange feces. Actually, feces in any capacity, in any setting, can really put me off my game so to speak.

I came to a stop on the far side of the kitchen. Kevin, the neighbor ladies husband, was right behind me. I turned and looked at him. He was white and looked like he was about to barf.

"Kevin! What the hell did you see?" I demanded.

"Oh gawd Mike! I think sumthin' shat all over the kids!" His eyes were wild with fear. "Connor had it in his hair and Bobby's little boy might'a had it on his face!" Just then we heard a quivering voice shout from the spare room, "Stop touching it! Gaaahhgg....urrrp. Oh, gawd...its every...guuurp."

The next moment The Neighbor Lady and the other mother came out of the room holding their weeping children in front of them at arms length. What I saw scared me more than anything else in my entire life. There was feces everywhere. On the mothers, on the kids, it was on faces and in hair and on hands.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What happened in there?" Bobby whispered. Kevin gulped, "Um, I think sumthin' shitted all over the kids." I looked at Kevin, "What the hell do you mean something? We are the only people in the house Kevin. Are you saying something hovered in the air and took a dump on the boys?"

"Mike, I swear ta gawd it looked like they got shitted on from above!" he replied.

We stood there in the kitchen, three husbands each holding a mixed drink, looking through the living room, down the hall toward the bathroom where the women were tending to the children. We could see Dawn standing outside the bathroom door with her arms crossed. She had a confused look on her face. Once in a while she would squint and wrinkle up her face and step back a bit. We didn't want to imagine what she saw.

Bobby broke the silence. He whispered, "You mean ta say it rained poop in yer spare room. That jus' don' make no sense Kevin. That don' make no sense a'tall." I laughed, "Maybe you should bring the boys a change of clothes Kevin so the women don't have to track poop all over the house. Somebody is gonna have to clean up the spare room and if you try to appear helpful then maybe they won't make you do it." Kevin looked at me, "Lets grab some beers and go in the garage. Better yet, lets jus' leave. We got cell phones. Grab some beers Mike and we can go out through the back door." Kevin is brilliant.

I grabbed a six pack and headed for the door. I waved to Dawn and put my finger to my lips to tell her to be quiet. She waved me off as if to say, "RUN MIKE RUN!"
You could have heard a mouse pissing on cotton as we opened the door and crept across the back deck. We didn't close the car doors all the way until we were half way down the driveway. A few minutes later Kevin pulled into a fire lane and turned off the car. I grabbed the six pack and placed it on the hood. Then Kevin broke the silence, "We gonna be sum sufferin' son's-a-bitches when we get home." I just looked at the ground and popped my beer open. Then Bobby did the same and took a big long drink from his beer, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, chucked the cap into the darkness and said, "Kevin, jus' whut in the hell did you see now? Which one of em done it? Mine or yer kid cause we got ta know who the hell ta git after." Kevin clanked his beer down onto the hood. "I'm tellin' you them kids didn' do it. Sumthin shitted on em from on high! Fer God as my witness I know whut I saw. It came from on high!" I laughed and nearly shot beer out my nose. "You don't have to get biblical about it Kevin!"

Just then Kevin's phone rang. He answered it and we could hear The Neighbor Lady reading him the riot act. She finished. Kevin said goodbye and promised we would be home soon and hung up. We stood there frozen, waiting for him to say something. He finished his beer, chucked it in the woods and grabbed a new one. "Well, first of all the kids were shitted on from above. One of em grabbed the dog and squeezed the hell out'a her. She must'couldn'ta been able to hold it in an' she blew like one of them geezer things in Yeller' Stone Park."

We couldn't take it. Bobby and I fell to the ground laughing. After a while we caught our breath, finished the last few beers, jumped in the car and laughed all the way back to the house.

Dear Cats

Dear Cats,

Yes, I said cat's. That means all of you. I can not imagine that with all of the damage in the house last night that any of you are entirely innocent.

Let me run down the list of things that are absolutely out of line that you are all responsible for.

Why was Bobcat locked in the den? I shouldn't have to explain why its a bad idea close anyone off from access to the litter boxes. What if he had to take a dump? You are lucky he didn't make a mess in there! Actually, it was the sound of Bobcat crying that alerted us to the turmoil in the house in the first place. He sounds like a crippled tornado siren when he gets scared. Maybe that's why you keep doing it to him? I really don't know and I don't care. The next time I wake up to the sound of him or anyone else yeowling at 4:00 AM on a SATURDAY morning I'm gonna go supernova. 

Somebody might get sold to gypsies!

Guest bathroom toilet paper. Why is it half off of the roll, some in the toilet with remainder in the shower and hallway? It's toilet paper. It's not that serious.

Master bathroom toilet paper. Not only is it ALL off of the roll but someone decided to shred it into the smallest of bits. It was also dragged, in ragged chunks, down the hallway and into the Dr. Pepper puddle in the kitchen.

Ms. Mousey's cage. Why is it sideways on the table? Her wheel is broken! It goes, 'squee-clunk, squee-clunk, squee-clunk'. I know it still turns, but do you know what that sound does to my nervous system? She did not break that wheel by herself. The wheel is made of steel! Thankfully she is still alive and the cage was never breached. I don't know how you did it but its your fault.

Refrigerator door open with various items taken out and sampled. No need to elaborate. But know this, heads are gonna roll. People food is not cheap! Neither is electricity. The kitchen floor was freezing and the water bottles were sweaty! And whoever was chewing on the onion...you truly are a dummy.  There were open hot dogs one shelf up.

Brand new two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in middle of kitchen floor. It was sealed and safely on the counter when I went to bed. I found it completely open with all of the contents spilled onto the floor. My mind reels at how you thumbless cretins got the bottle open in the first place.

I still can't find the cap! 

Something tells me it was either a concerted effort by two or more of you or an act of God. And why is there an amazing amount of cat food in the puddle? You actually had to push piles of cat food  all the way around the kitchen island in order to get it in there. Were you rooting in it like pigs? Its been there for a while too because the pieces are all swollen with soda. The chicken-leg shaped pieces look like turkey legs now and the tiny fish look like carp. A mess like that belongs on the floor of some kind of freaky slaughter house. Not in the middle of my kitchen!

What happened to the cable TV remote control? It was chewed to smithereens and lying in the puddle of Dr. Pepper as well. Half the buttons can't be read anymore! How do you expect me to navigate my way through all the garbage programming on cable TV in order to find the nature shows everyone likes to watch? You know the ones with the lions and birds and stuff that you swat at? Yeah, how the heck am I supposed to find them if I have no idea what the buttons do anymore? NO, I'm not going to stumble through every menu and every permutation of buttons till I find the show you like. Not gonna happen. Now we can all sit and stare at the radio like they used to in the old days.
Oh, you don't know whats going on during the radio programs? Well, fix the remote! Oh, you don't have thumbs? Well how the hell did you get the soda bottle open?

Cat food. Someone is going to confess to this. Who opened the cupboard and chewed through the cat food bag? The one next to it was open you clowns! All you had to do was look and you would have noticed it. Never mind that their was still food in your bowls when Bobcat woke us up!

God does not drink soda so quit blaming the Dr. Pepper thing on him.

Why was Milton loose? Who helped him open his cage? Why would you want him loose in the first place? All he does is hump you when he's loose. He is a rabbit. He humps anything that moves! The only one who seems to enjoy that is Bobcat and he was locked in the den so we know he didn't do it. 

Far be it from us to save you from Milton's affections any more. 

You asked for it! 

You got it! 

Normally we supervise his out of cage time so no one gets humped. But, from now on, whenever Milton is loose, he gets to wander around the house and stalk anyone he likes. Don't cry if he gets you either! I know it hurts. Just go somewhere and walk it off.

Sincerely,

Dad

Hurricane Sandy Update 2:19 AM Eastern, 10/29/2012

Sandy missed us!
Unfortunately she will not miss our neighbors to the north.
I hope no one is hurt but storms the size of Sandy are bound to cause trouble!