I walked out of the house yesterday and noticed The Neighbor Lady throwing something off her porch. It was about as big around as a small football and nearly the same color. It hit the ground with a wet, crackly thud and rolled once or twice before stopping a few feet short of the ducks and chickens.
All of the birds turned to see what was lobbed at them. Slowly, one then two and finally all of the birds were pecking and eating whatever it was.
"What did you just throw to those birds?"
"Oh hi Mike! Come over here and look! You won't believe this! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She was laughing and could hardly talk.
I walked closer to the group of birds. There in the middle of them all was a roasted chicken. They were ALL tearing off bits of it and gobbling them down.
"Woman have you lost your mind?" I yelled at her with force.
"Whut?" She stopped laughing.
"You have got to be pretty sick and twisted to do something like that." I bent over and picked up the chicken. The rest of the live birds scattered. "Just because they are willing to eat chicken doesn't mean you should feed it to them." I started to walk back toward my house with the roasted chicken.
"GIMME THAT BACK MIKE! It's mine. You can't take it!"
"Seriously? You want me to give this dead chicken back to you so you can feed it to my ducks and your chickens. What kind of sick pig are you?"
"Mike I'ma do what I want on ma own property. Now give me back the chicken afore ya git me mad!"
So I took the chicken and tossed it on her roof.
"There! Now the chicken is on your property! Ya ain't gawt nuttin ta werry bout naow doo ya?" And I turned around and walked back to my place.
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband, he looked unhappy.
"Hey Kevin, what's up?"
"Hi Mike....um....Ashley's mad bout what ya did an said I should tell you ta git the chicken off the roof."
"Tell her to climb her big ass up there and get it down herself. I'm sick and tired of you people acting like savages right next door to me. I'm fed up Kevin and I think you understand why. Just tell her to let the vultures eat it. Then you can take pictures of it and post it on Facebook!"
"Mike if her dad see's a dead chicken on his roof he is gonna hurt someone. Please help me get it down."
I smiled at Kevin, "Kevin, the best thing that could happen is that her dad sees that chicken and gets to see first hand how dumb his daughter is. You didn't throw the chicken up there so you don't have anything to worry about. He isn't gonna come over here and say a thing to me about it because he knows better than that. He don't want none of this." I pointed to my mildly overweight midsection.
"Man I don't know."
"Come on Keven, just stay here and have supper and we can play some X-box until after he gets home. When he's done hollering at your wife then you can go back. I'm gonna make pork chops calabrese! You like pork chops don't you?"
"Well, yeah I like pork chops but ya can keep all the caba-reesy off a mine. I don' know what that is." He stepped through the door and looked visibly relieved.
"It's onions, peppers, garlic and herbs, that's all. No big deal. Oh and some red wine."
"Good. I like all those things. Ya think ya might-could put extra wine on mine? I'ma haf'ta git good an drunk before I go home jus ta put up with all the yellin if that's ok?" He smiled.
"Kevin, I will get you so rip roaring drunk that you won't even be able to hear! Do you want to start a camp fire later? Or should we go looking for that tunnel you were talking about? We should see if we can find it and see where it goes!"
"OH YEAH! Lets git drunk and find that tunnel...." He paused and cracked a great big grin. "Man I feel better already!"
And so we commenced to making dinner. It was so good that we didn't bother getting drunk. We ate far to much food and couldn't fit anything else in our stomachs.
Kevin went home around midnight. I didn't hear any yelling or gunfire so I imagine everything went well.
I was happy for him. He's a good guy.
The chicken wasn't on the roof this morning. The Neighbor Ladies dad fished it off with a broom tied to a rope. Evidently he was threatening his daughters life the majority of the time and saying how he was tired of living like The Beverly Hillbillies.
We will see how serious he is. Only time will tell.