Gone Fishin!

During a meeting with a local business owner I was asked the following question.

"Ya like shark fishin' Mike?"

Now how the heck was I supposed to answer that? A million answers ran through my head but this is what came out.

"Heck Yeah! Well...I've never been shark fishing but I've always wanted to go."

"Ya know how ta stand up in a boat?"

"No problem." I said. I've actually been fishing on Lake Michigan since I was a little kid in 16 ft. boats but I didn't bother mentioning it.

"Well I'm goin shark fishin tamorah. Ya wanna come wit me?"

It goes without saying that if the business owner you are trying to land a contract with wants to do something then you smile and do it. If it involves breaking the law then you just weep inside, take a quick moral inventory of yourself and politely tell him no.

Shark fishing doesn't involve breaking the law so I said, "I'd love to go!"

And then I wept inside because I'm scared of sharks.

Most people have a fear of something. My fears are the ocean in general and sharks....because they live in the ocean. The way I see it, sharks have been streamlined by millions of years of evolution to become an efficient killing and eating machine. I, on the other hand, can walk upright and sharpen a stick at both ends if I need to.

"I'ma pick you up early Mike. Like 2 o'clock in the mornin. Ya think ya can be up that early?"

I didn't say it but I can do a heck of a lot of things at 2 o'clock in the morning if it means you are gonna sign a contract with me.

"No problem! Just let me know what I need to bring and I'll be ready."

It is now 10:12 pm and I can't sleep. In less than 4 hours I will be on my way to Nag's Head, North Carolina to go fishing for sharks with a man I do not know in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Oh, I forgot to mention what he said when I told him I'd be happy to join him......

"Ya know Mike, we can go fer tha big'uns if ya gonna come wit me. Ya really need 3 maybe 4 guys ta go fer tha big'uns but I bet ya know yer way aroun' a boat so we ain't gonna have much'a problem I don' think. I like fishin tha big'uns a lot better. Just gotta remember ta get more bait.

"Now, I aint gonna lie Mike, them big'uns can tear ya up so ya got ta listen real good if I tell ya somethin. Ya ain't scared are ya? Cause if ya scared, then a shark, he'll know an he'll git ya. Them bastards is smart. But you just listen ta me an we gonna be OK."

In the event that this is my last blog post I want you all to know that I'm glad I was able to share a bit of my life with you. It's been my pleasure, really it has. (I'm gonna cry) So if I don't come back, just remember....snif....to love your neighbors.....and never ever go shark fishing!

Wood Ticks and Laughing Fits Facebook Page

After receiving a few prompts from friends I decided to create a Facebook page for Wood Ticks and Laughing Fits.

Here it is!

https://www.facebook.com/WoodTicksAndLaughingFits

So I took the chicken and tossed it on her roof.

I walked out of the house yesterday and noticed The Neighbor Lady throwing something off her porch. It was about as big around as a small football and nearly the same color. It hit the ground with a wet, crackly thud and rolled once or twice before stopping a few feet short of the ducks and chickens.

All of the birds turned to see what was lobbed at them. Slowly, one then two and finally all of the birds were pecking and eating whatever it was.

"What did you just throw to those birds?"

"Oh hi Mike! Come over here and look! You won't believe this! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She was laughing and could hardly talk.

I walked closer to the group of birds. There in the middle of them all was a roasted chicken. They were ALL tearing off bits of it and gobbling them down.

"Woman have you lost your mind?" I yelled at her with force.

"Whut?" She stopped laughing.

"You have got to be pretty sick and twisted to do something like that." I bent over and picked up the chicken. The rest of the live birds scattered. "Just because they are willing to eat chicken doesn't mean you should feed it to them." I started to walk back toward my house with the roasted chicken.

"GIMME THAT BACK MIKE! It's mine. You can't take it!"

"Seriously? You want me to give this dead chicken back to you so you can feed it to my ducks and your chickens. What kind of sick pig are you?"

"Mike I'ma do what I want on ma own property. Now give me back the chicken afore ya git me mad!"

So I took the chicken and tossed it on her roof.

"There! Now the chicken is on your property! Ya ain't gawt nuttin ta werry bout naow doo ya?" And I turned around and walked back to my place.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband, he looked unhappy.

"Hey Kevin, what's up?"

"Hi Mike....um....Ashley's mad bout what ya did an said I should tell you ta git the chicken off the roof."

"Tell her to climb her big ass up there and get it down herself. I'm sick and tired of you people acting like savages right next door to me. I'm fed up Kevin and I think you understand why. Just tell her to let the vultures eat it. Then you can take pictures of it and post it on Facebook!"

"Mike if her dad see's a dead chicken on his roof he is gonna hurt someone. Please help me get it down."

I smiled at Kevin, "Kevin, the best thing that could happen is that her dad sees that chicken and gets to see first hand how dumb his daughter is. You didn't throw the chicken up there so you don't have anything to worry about. He isn't gonna come over here and say a thing to me about it because he knows better than that. He don't want none of this." I pointed to my mildly overweight midsection.

"Man I don't know."

"Come on Keven, just stay here and have supper and we can play some X-box until after he gets home. When he's done hollering at your wife then you can go back. I'm gonna make pork chops calabrese! You like pork chops don't you?"

"Well, yeah I like pork chops but ya can keep all the caba-reesy off a mine. I don' know what that is." He stepped through the door and looked visibly relieved.

"It's onions, peppers, garlic and herbs, that's all. No big deal. Oh and some red wine."

"Good. I like all those things. Ya think ya might-could put extra wine on mine? I'ma haf'ta git good an drunk before I go home jus ta put up with all the yellin if that's ok?" He smiled.

"Kevin, I will get you so rip roaring drunk that you won't even be able to hear! Do you want to start a camp fire later? Or should we go looking for that tunnel you were talking about? We should see if we can find it and see where it goes!"

"OH YEAH! Lets git drunk and find that tunnel...." He paused and cracked a great big grin. "Man I feel better already!"

And so we commenced to making dinner. It was so good that we didn't bother getting drunk. We ate far to much food and couldn't fit anything else in our stomachs.

 Kevin went home around midnight. I didn't hear any yelling or gunfire so I imagine everything went well.

I was happy for him. He's a good guy.

The chicken wasn't on the roof this morning. The Neighbor Ladies dad fished it off with a broom tied to a rope. Evidently he was threatening his daughters life the majority of the time and saying how he was tired of living like The Beverly Hillbillies.

We will see how serious he is. Only time will tell.

Yes, I fall out of trees from time to time.

 KingHomeBrewer asked if I would elaborate on a comment that Dawn made in one of my earlier posts. She said, "Well at least you didn't fall out of a tree again."

King, as promised, this is for you.

Yes, I fall out of trees from time to time. I didn't climb many trees in Wisconsin over the last ten years so I don't know whats got into me since moving to North Carolina. Maybe it has something to do with being around Vincent. I'm not blaming my nine year old son for my unstable tree climbing. I'm simply saying that having him around brings out the kid in me. I have to climb trees. That's what Dad's are supposed to do.

If you read some of my earlier posts you may have noticed that Vincent and I are trying to build a tree fort.Now lets rewind to before those posts, like four weeks ago actually. Vincent was in Virginia with his mother and I was bored one day.  So, I decided to start building the fort and surprise him.

Well, you can't just build a fort, you have to scout out an area for the fort first.

Normal people would walk around, look at some trees, maybe climb one, get down, look around and then decide on which one to use. Normal people do that. I never claimed to be normal. See, you need to determine if you have escape routes and places for ladders, extra levels, gun turrets, sniper nests, or maybe even an alien landing pad. As you can see its actually a day long job deciding which trees to use.


Now, if you only have one tree on your property then your choice is pretty darn easy. In a case like that you can pretty much make your decision in bed, or at breakfast, or as you are gathering materials to make the fort. But if you have four acres to wander around on then things can become complicated.

After rooting around in the woods for an hour I finally settled on a group of fallen trees that were knocked over by hurricane Irene. They were old, huge and had safely nestled all the way down on the ground.

There is nothing scarier than getting five kids in a tree fort and all of a sudden the tree falls or shifts with all of them in it. They tend to fill their pants when that happens. I was not going to be the dad responsible for giving some kid a nickname like Doody Pants, Poopy, or Stinky. They don't need any help when it comes to unkind nicknames. I made darn sure everything was stable.

In fact, I jumped up and down on all the limbs. I shook branches, knocked down dead fall that hadn't quite fallen all the way to the ground and basically spent ten minutes trying to get the tree to do something I wouldn't want it to do if my child were in it.

Nothing happened.

Until.

A small step to the side turned out to be a step into open air. The only thing able to stop my decent was my fingernails that clawed at branches, leaves and ticks on the way down. Somehow I managed to spin myself onto my back instead of going down head first.

Splat!

I landed flat on my back across the only log around for ten feet in any direction. Oh, and I couldn't breathe either. I knocked the air out of myself with such force that it made a whistling sound when it left my chest. My teeth chomped and snapped at the air, my nostrils flared and my eyes watered. The noises I made sounded like a water buffalo in heat.


Finally I caught my breath and started to wiggle my fingers and toes. One by one I inventoried all my parts. Everything moved and I could feel everything. Some spots were worse than others but at least I had feeling everywhere.

It was now or never. I took a chance and crawled to my feet.. No one saw me, thank goodness, so I clambered out of the woods like a bull in a china shop. I had no balance, my butt hurt like crazy and my back was close to calling it quits. All I wanted to do was get in a hot shower to rinse the ticks and pine cones out of my hair.

The water felt awesome!

Dawn came home from work a few hours later and found me curled up in bed.

"What happened?" she said.

"What? Nothing. Why?"

"Mike, what happened? Its 4:00 in the afternoon and you are laying in bed, there is a wet towel on the floor and a trail of filthy clothes and pine needles leading into the shower. You didn't put the Ibuprofen away and you left the juice out with the cap off. What happened?"

"Oh, yeah, um....I fell down and hurt my back a little bit. No big deal."

"How high up were you when you fell?"

"How did you?.....Did someone....... I wasn't! Who...?"

I swear she is either a mind reader or a wizard or something. Nothing gets by her.

"Mike, what did I tell you about going in the woods when I'm not home? Do you want to go to the emergency room?"

"Well, no, but I do need some more Ibuprofen." I gave her my 'I was being good' face and hoped she would get the pills and some water and forget about it.

"You can probably get them yourself if you aren't hurt right? Go ahead." She stepped back and motioned down the hall.

That has got to be a wizards trick.

"Fine! I'll do it myself!" I said and tried to pop out of bed.

At about the point that my feet hit the floor I let out a yelp and doubled over onto my side. One hand held my side and the other my tailbone.

Clearly this was not a job for Ibuprofen.

"OK get dressed and I'll move the car closer to the door. You are going to the emergency room so they can check if you broke anything. If you tell me 'no' then I won't take you the next time you 'want' to go."

"Holy crap Dawn that's a little harsh don't you think?" I gave her my best angry face but it wasn't convincing.

"Do you want your walker or your crutches? I saved them both for you. Or do you need the wheel chair?" Hearing her say walker made me feel like a geriatric patient. Unfortunately I've had to use all three over the past couple years for various reasons.

"Um....get the walker. When we get to the hospital I'll probably need someone to bring a wheel chair." I just shook my head and stared at the bedroom floor. I need to be more careful. It's embarrassing  to know that I have what amounts to a small clinic's worth of mobility aids on hand.

Dawn called to me from the spare bedroom. Her voice was soft and sounded far away. She must have been in the back of the closet.

"Honey! I found all your braces! I have your back brace here and the two knee braces that make you look like The Terminator......Oh here's your ankle and wrist things you don't like......Hey! Did you know we had all the Ace bandages?" Her voice became muffled as she tunneled deeper into the closet, no doubt finding more and more medical devices that have accumulated over the years.

Finally she came back down the hall, snapped the walker open in front of me and said. "Honey, you have enough stuff in there to start a small rehab clinic! Did you even know you had all that stuff?"

I just looked at her and smiled weakly, "Princess, all that stuff got there because I came home wearing it, riding it or leaning on it. Trust me, I know its there."

She shook her head, "Man, I'm surprised you haven't paralyzed yourself yet."

"Yet being the operative word in that statement I imagine. Just get the car please."

The x-rays and CAT scan came back negative. If anything was broken or bleeding inside it wasn't major. At least I couldn't feel it and the doctors couldn't see it. I was given orders to relax for the next few days and told to stay out of trees.

Right.

Like that's gonna happen!

How do they expect me to build a tree fort?

Silly doctors!

...the police were only called once...

All the fireworks are gone. I mean at least The Neighbor Ladies husband doesn't have any more. And while its sad to know they are gone it sure was mighty fun watching them go!

Three nights of fireworks. The big kind. No whistling moon travelers or bottle rockets. We had mortar tubes with shells the size of my fist.


Kevin thought it would be OK to leave the box of shells five feet from the launch pad when he let the first one off. Sparks rained down on him and into the box as the rocket went THUMP, and left the tube at a billion miles an hour. I'm sure the entire neighborhood heard me yelling, "RUN LIKE HELL KEVIN!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! LEAVE EM BRO!!! JUST LEAVE EM!!! GIT DA HELL OUT'A THERE!!!!"

In fact, the police were only called once on us and when they got there the officer had very little to say.

"I really can't do anything about it because tomorrow is the 4th. But someone did complain that their windows were rattling."

I was a little confused by that statement but I wasn't going to press him for specific information. I mean, was he letting us get away with something? Was he legally not able to do anything? I was so damn curious to know exactly what he meant but my experience with police has taught me that less is more and if they are happy then you should be too.

He continued, "So if you folks could just hold off on the fireworks until the 4th then you would really make my job a lot easier."

Was he telling us to wait until midnight? I just stood there and smiled at him and nodded my head, thankful that he hadn't bothered to get out of his car.

I looked at everyone and said, "Sounds good! Thanks for letting us know. We'll get this cleaned up and keep everything to a dull roar for the rest of the night."

He smiled, "Mighty kind of you."

In the distance a firework went up and cast a pale green glow on the officer and his cruiser. We had our backs to it but he was facing the direction it came from and saw it go off. Everyone was motionless. The smell of sulfur hung in the air.

I just knew that The Neighbor Lady wouldn't let it slide. Something in my mind told me to tackle her and hold her big mouth shut but I didn't want to get charged with assaulting someone directly in front of a cop.

I imagined how it would sound in court.

"Yes Your Honor. I was about to leave and that's when Mr. Gonzalez turned like this..... lowered his shoulder like this........ and just tackled The Neighbor Lady.

"By the time I got out of my cruiser he was holding her down and saying 'Shhhhh, no no no, shhhhhh, its ok just shut your mouth woman, please just shut your mouth.' So I grabbed my taser and shot him in the ass. 

"He shook like a dog crapping a corn cob and rolled up under the front end of the cruiser.
I guess that's how he chipped his teeth. Probably got his mouth tangled up in the linkage or something.

"I could tell he was hurting so I let off the taser. He thanked me and just laid in the dirt and cried. He promised not to give me any sass so, I backed the cruiser off him and stood him up........

"No, Your Honor, no one said a word after that. I think everybody was pretty damn scared when Mr. Gonzalez rode the lightning. It was so quiet that you could'a heard a mouse pissin' on cotton."

I giggled a little to myself and then watched the green glow of the firework fade from the officers face. It was beautiful actually, slow motion, so soft and quiet. He had tiny fireworks reflected in his big cop eyes and it made me want to pull him close and hug him and send him safely on his way. But then, just as quickly as the green light of peace and harmony shone round about us, it was gone. The big cop eyes turned into black limpid pools as the 'pop' from the distant firework finally reached our ears.

It was all she could take. The Neighbor Lady let loose.

"WELL WHUT DA HELL YA GONNA DO BOUT DEM PEOPLE HUH? Dey shootin firewerks off too and yer tellin us we got ta quit. It ain't fair! I wanna know who called da cops on us! They got no rite doin such a thing when everwun is shootin em off."

"Ma'am, we never give out information about who placed a nuisance call."

"Well if I fine' out who dun it I'ma beat da hell out'a sumwun."

Click-click, swish, thump. 

He unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door, and stepped out of the cruiser faster than greased lightening off a polecats ass in June. 

The cop eyes changed, they meant business. I trotted away.

"Ma'am. Don't turn this into something it isn't. I asked you politely if you would stop the fireworks and everyone else seems agreeable. Go back to your house and enjoy the rest of your evening."

By the time he said, "Don't turn this into" I was already across the yard seated next to Dawn with my legs crossed. 

Kevin stayed with his loud mouth wife. 

Dawn asked me what was happening and Vincent was excited because the police were there. He's nine.  Anything shiny with lots of lights will get his attention.

"Um. The Neighbor Lady is trying to become the featured incident on the next episode of World's Dumbest."

"HAHAHA What?"

"She's arguing with the officer about the fireworks. She's cracked!" 

We heard the door shut on the cruiser and the officer drove away. There was nothing more to report. Everything was fine.

The boys asked if we would let them have sparklers so I lit one for Vincent. He stood in front of us with a huge smile on his face and spun the sparkler in a big circle as fast as his little arm would go. He was living proof that you don't need heavy artillery to enjoy the fireworks on the 4th of July. We had each other and some sparklers and our independence from the British. What more could a guy ask for?

Oh, we had The Neighbor Lady too. You can't forget about The Neighbor Lady.

Forts, Heat Waves, and Wizard 101

Vincent and I decided to build a fort today. Actually we didn't get much farther than the planning stage because it's been blisterly hot here lately. The temperature hovers around 100-104 during the day. But we can't be expected to stay inside during summer vacation can we?

The past four days we've waited until dark to leave the house but not today. I woke up, got dressed, fed the boy, dressed him, scrubbed his teeth and told him that we were going to build a fort no matter how hot it was outside.

"Um, Dad. If it gets too hot I might have to go back in the house OK?"

"Don't worry buddy. We will take it easy. In fact we are bringing water bottles and cookies with us so we can stay hydrated and keep our blood sugar up."

"Whats hy-ja-tay-ted?"

"Hydrated, it means that we have to keep drinking water so we don't dehydrate or dry out inside."

"Well can't you just say that we have to drink a lot of water so we don't get dried out inside?"

"I guess I could." 

"Dad, we could die out there and then...."

I interrupted him,"No we will not die out there. We will only be 200 feet from the house."

"OK Dad."    

I filled a backpack with rope, water, a hammer, nails, cookies and some tape. I don't really know what the tape was for. Maybe it was the boy scout in me. Be prepared!

Vincent watched me load everything into the pack. "Dad. Mom said we aren't supposed to take rope into the woods. We could hang ourselves."

"No, YOU are not supposed to take rope into the woods because YOU could hang YOURSELF." I pointed at him and grinned, "See the difference?"

Dawn heard us from the other room and came in the kitchen. "Mike. I don't want you two taking rope in those woods. Someone's gonna get all slung upside down and I don't want to have to cut anyone loose or visit the emergency room today. Put it back."

"See Dad! I told you! Neither of us can do it!" Vincent smiled ear to ear.

"Dawn, I need the rope so Vincent can pull on the trees I have to chop down."

Both Vincent and Dawn chimed in together, "WHAT?"

"Dad! Are we really gonna chop down trees? HAHAHAHOOOOOOO YEEEEAAAH!"

"Mike you've lost your mind. It's five thousand degrees outside and you want your 9 year old son to pull down trees in the tick infested forest. Why don't you two find something to do inside that doesn't involve chopping, building, or hanging from anything?"

"Mom, Dad is really safe. We will be OK." Vincent was using his most reassuring voice. Then he looked at me and said a little incredulously, "Dad, are you really gonna chop down a tree?"

"Yep, I'm gonna chop down more than one tree actually. See, we need to make a floor for the tree fort and I measured out a ten by ten foot area that we need to turn into the floor and....."

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! We're gonna chop down trees!"

Dawn grimaced."Vincent! Don't shriek please." He apologized and jumped up and down in place for the next minute. Clearly the idea of chopping something down was right up his alley. I knew it would be. I was nine years old once too. I know all about that kind of stuff.

Dawn continued, "If I have to take someone to the hospital today I'm going to leave you both there. I'm serious. I will take you there but you will both be walking home."

"Relax Honey. Everything will be fine. Trust me."

"Famous last words Mike. Famous last words."

Vincent stopped jumping and huffed and puffed for a moment. I looked at him and cracked a big Cheshire grin. "You ready boy?"

"YEEEEEESSSSS!" he shrieked.

"Hahahaha! Buddy you have to use your inside voice please."

I helped him get the backpack on and he nearly ran me over on his way to the door. I could hear the water sloshing in the two big bottles and watched as it took him a little off balance. He got to the door and steadied himself then turned around with his hand on the doorknob and waited for me.

"Come on Dad!" He swung the door open.

I would not say that we actually winced as the outside air hit us but we both had a physical reaction. Vincent put both his hands out as if to hold back the heat and I squinted like an old bachelor farmer peering across a dry field.

"WHEW! You ready boy?"

"Um...Dad..."

"No, no, no. You can't chicken out on me now buddy. We have work to do."

I took his hand and we made a few steps onto the porch. We were still in the shade of the overhang and stopped just short of the shadow it cast. To say that the air was hot and thick would be an understatement. Every pore in our bodies flew open to prepare for the sweat that was sure to follow.

We made our way through the yard and over to the shed. We stood in the shade of the shed and I gathered the camp ax and machete. The trees were only ten yards away so we ran across the open distance like a couple of jack rabbits. Then we struggled for a bit as we worked our way a little deeper into the forest. The trees provided a bit of relief against the direct rays of the sun but the air was so still that it was a challenge to breathe. Finally we got to the group of fallen trees we planned to use as the foundation for our fort and stopped.

"Dad. I can't carry this backpack anymore. I'm just gonna put it down right here OK?" He was huffing and puffing.

"Bring it here buddy, I'll carry it." I helped him take it off and slung it over my shoulder. Wow, it was heavier than I thought it was.

"OK, I'm gonna jump up here on this fallen tree. I need you to...OUCH! Holy cow! Vincent don't touch that tree it's hot." I had put my hand on the horizontal trunk of a huge fallen tree and was shocked by how hot it was. Little pieces of loose hot bark stuck to my sweaty palm and I quickly brushed my hands off on my shorts. I must have looked pretty concerned because the tone in Vincent's voice told me he was a little nervous.

"DAD! There's trees everywhere. Whats wrong?"

"Oh you don't have to worry buddy. That one tree there was a little hotter than I thought it was going to be is all. Its no big deal."

"Well if you can't touch the trees then does that mean we have to go back in the house?" He sounded hopeful.

I looked around the woods. What else could we do out here that didn't include touching anything hot? I thought about digging a pit under an up turned root system and covering it with branches but decided against it. Every animal in the forest was under those root systems right now seeking shelter. I didn't want to tangle with a water moccasin or a hot opossum.

"We can just go back in the house I guess. You want to play some Wizard 101?" I asked.

"YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA! I LOVE WIZARD 101!" He started to jump up and down and thrust his arms back and forth like he just scored a game winning touchdown.

"I'm gonna see if my friends are online and then maybe if you help me we can go after that one guy in the cave together...." He trailed off as he walked back toward the house.

By the time I got home he was already inside, in front of the computer waiting for me with a big smile. I put the backpack down and grabbed my laptop. When I finally settled in next to him I let out a big sigh and turned on the computer. He could tell I was a little let down that we couldn't stay outside. It's amazing how sensitive kids are. He reached over and put his hand on my arm and patted me, "It's OK Dad. We can build that fort any time when it's not hot out. Plus we can't even touch the trees anyway."

I smiled and looked at him. He was already logging in to Wizard 101 and didn't notice me staring at him. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the side of his head.

"You promise to help me make it the best fort there ever was?"

"Dad, everything we do is the best! And if we don't have to go to the hospital then it will be even better right?"

I just kept smiling at him. Then I picked a wood tick off his neck, crushed it and logged in to the game.

I'm so sick of cat baths.

Dawn decided that we would bathe all of the cats today. One of them got fleas two weeks ago. `I'm sick and tired of cat baths. I'm sick of fleas and ticks and the small flying dragons that come out of the woods at night to buzz past my head and generally terrify my family. Did I mention that I'm also sick of bathing cats? Because I am.

I'm not saying that I hate my cats. I just hate the idea of willfully closing myself in a tiny room with a slick and vicious screaming animal. Call me a pansy but I like my skin without jagged rips or holes.

I've been to the emergency room once this summer when Jasper took a hold of my middle finger and shook it like a pit bull. His top fang sliced through the top of my finger while the bottom fang went into the knuckle. I don't mean he simply bit my knuckle. I'm talking about, "Ooooooh, Dawn......ahhhhh.....  ummmm.......crap honey we gotta go to the emergency room."

"Why?"

I stuck my hand out and the look on her face said, "You rinse that sucker off and I'll get the car keys."

That was last week. I just finished my antibiotics this morning.

We started with the kittens. So Dawn rounded them up and stuck all of them in the bathroom. I plucked kittens off the floor one at a time and took care of business. They aren't so bad as long as you clip their nails regularly.

When the kittens were finished Dawn brought the adults in one by one. That's when the horror began.

Jasper
16 lbs of lovin' when dry. All hate and anger when wet.

"Honey! Just put him in the tub damnit! Don't dangle him over me! He's all claws and anger. Just get him in here and I'll hold him down."

"Mike shut up. I'm trying to but he's heavy. Jasper, settle down or I'm gonna have to throw you."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooowwwweeeeeewwwwaaaaaaaaaooooooowwwwwwwwww!" Jasper sounds like a terrified lunch whistle that's going through puberty.

"Woman if you throw that cat at me we are getting a divorce. Just put him down. There, now get the cup and get his back and neck. I'll hold his front end still......JASPER STOP FIGHTING."

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww"

"Honey is that water too warm? Don't you think he wants it a little coo........"

"WASH THE CAT DAWN! WASH THE CAT DAWN! FOCUS ON  THE CAT DAWN!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Well I'm holding a thermonuclear warhead in my bare hands and you are worried about the water temp. If this cat goes super-critical I'm holding you responsible."

"OK I'm washing him, now shut up because you're making everyone nervous."

So we washed the remaining adult cats in much the same way. Until we got to Chloe.

Let me tell you a bit about Chloe. Chloe does not like kittens, she despises baths, and while she does love to be near me, all bets are off when she hears water running. She is by far the smallest cat we have and strangely she is easily the most violent about bath time. The sound she makes when she touches water is powerful and terrifying enough to shut down nerve centers in the human body. I actually seize up a little when she lets loose with the bad screams.

Dawn and I differ when it comes to bathing Chloe. I think she should be done first because when she hears the water running she becomes nervous. Why make her wait and listen to 6 other cats scream and howl and build up all that tension? At least that's how I see it. Dawn on the other hand likes to do
Chloe last. So that just means Chloe is always done last.

Chloe
Daddy's girl. AKA Five Pounds of Fury.

This time Dawn wanted to take point on washing her. I should have known that everything was going to go to hell when Dawn picked her up a second time to stick her under the running water I was using to rinse the tub. The only thing Chloe hates more than water is running water. Dawn touched Chloe, Chloe touched the running water and then Chloe's fangs touched Dawns hand. She bit her in the soft spot between the thumb and index finger and held on. I watched her pull her hand back with Chloe still attached. She had to pry Chloes mouth open with her free hand. Chloe actually lunged a second time but missed because Dawn darted out of the way. I simply stood there aghast and wide eyed.

"SHE GOT ME! MIKE SHE GOT ME! OOOOOOOOO MAN SHE GOT ME!"

She held out her hand. I saw it and said, "Rinse that sucker off and I'll get the car keys."

"No, she didn't get me deep. It just looks worse than it is because of all the bloody holes. Just get me some bleach. I'll be ok......wow......I'm getting dizzy!"

"Yeah, you nearly turned us both into homicide statistics. Now lets get you to the emergency room to have it looked at. Any time you can describe an injury as a 'bloody hole' then I think it warrants professional care."

"Wooooo! I'm dizzy."

"Yeah that's called shock. Here's the bleach."

"Pour it on and get me a chair." I poured some bleach on her hand and let her fiddle with it under the running water. It turned out that she was right. The damage was far less than it could have been.

"See honey! It's not bad at all, I'm just gonna soak it for a minute and catch my breath. Feels good to have all the cats washed doesn't it?" She smiled from ear to ear then tipped forward to put her head between her knees. I stood next to her and gently rubbed her back and told her how brave she was.

You can bet we will be washing Chloe first next time. If we can catch her. I'm so sick of cat baths.

"Man, you got to start listening to my dad so you don't die."

Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband asked me to give him a hand today. A wind storm had blown part of their roof off last night. It wasn't a huge hole he said. The wind caught the edge of the addition and a piece of plywood let loose. Vincent was with me so I figured it was a good time to teach him about ladder safety. This is what happened.

"Come on buddy, we got to help the neighbor fix his roof."

"His roof?"

"Yep, the wind blew part of it off. We have to go up there and nail it back on."

"Dad, that roof is huge! We have to do the whole roof?"

"No. Just a small piece. Come on, I'll show you."

Kevin was in his yard looking at the roof. "Ya think we can git it done taday Mike?"

"Well, it depends on how bad it is. Let’s get up there and see what we are dealing with."

Kevin grabbed the ladder and went up first. I told Vincent to wait for a moment before he came up so I could survey the damage. I was absolutely shocked.

"Kevin! What in the name of all that's good and right is going on here? I mean what the hell am I looking at?"

"Yeah, the guy who s'posed ta fix the roof the last time never finished."

There was an entire eight foot section of bloated plywood that was too small to fit the hole it was intended to cover just laying half nailed down and barely covered with tar paper. If I didn't know better I would have thought that someone just chucked the parts up from the ground and let them fall where they may. 

"Dude! How long has it been this way?"

"Well, ya moved here in March right?"

"WHAT? Since March? I shudder to think what’s happening to the ceiling under all that tragedy."

"Oh it caved in yesterday. Almost killed Ashley. Big ol’ section came down."

"Well Jesus Christ Kevin! Don't you think you might want to mention something like that before we go stomping around up here! I almost brought my son up here!"

I called down to Vincent and told him that cursing is never a good thing and to stay on the ground until I figured out if this was even something we could fix. He nodded his head and said something about never using bad words. Honestly I barely paid attention to him. There were more important things at hand. Namely not falling through the roof.

"So there are boards and nails and sheet rock in your bedroom right now Kevin? I mean I didn't see a pile of debris outside your house so I know it’s got to be just layin' there. Right?"

"Well I pushed it ta the side. Ashley wants me ta git it out da house though cause Conner is gonna git in it if we don't watch him."

"I don't even have words Kevin. Really I don't. I mean, man I like you and everything but sometimes you really freak me out. You can't have children walking around rusty nails and splinters. Not to mention that you had to notice how bad the ceiling was before it came down. You got to stop and think or someone is going to get hurt. And I'll tell you right now Kevin, if anyone in my family gets hurt because you or your family does something stupid then I will take great delight in beating you to within an inch of your life. Look at me Kevin. I shit you not. I will have your skin if you hurt my family."

"Don't worry Mike. I won't do nuthin. I jus need yer help. I promise I won't do nuthin like this again." 

"Oh, and one more thing, If I see you giving your kid a ride on the lawn mower again I'll put my foot in your ass so far that the water on my knee will quench your thirst. You could kill your child and I don't want to have to live next to a yard filled with pieces of two year old boy! Think about what Conner would look like spread out over ten yards of your lawn. I don't think you could live with yourself if that happened."

We stood there looking at each other for a very long while. Actually for him it must have been a very uncomfortable long while. Suddenly the silence was broken by a small voice from below us.

"Dad…um…you said "shit" and "ass". But I can't get in trouble for saying it cause I was only telling you what you said and those are bad words."

"I know Vincent. Dad is really sorry. Sometimes I make mistakes like that and I apologize. Thank you for pointing it out but next time you can just say, "the S word" if you need to repeat it ok?"

"Ok Dad."

I closely surveyed the condition of the roof and determined that only the sheet rock had fallen, not the actual studs supporting the roof. I pointed out the difference to Kevin. Then I decided it was safe for Vincent to come up. He loved every moment of it. There is something about a boy helping his dad that makes everyone smile. Soon the tension was gone and we were all having a good time.

We fixed what we could with the materials he had on hand. I guess we did a fair job but it's not going to stand up to much weather. He is going to call a roofer on Monday and get it done right.

Vincent turned out to be a great help and a great listener. He didn't seem scared at all. The best part was when he looked at Kevin and said, "Man, you got to start listening to my dad so you don't die. If he said he's gonna take your skin off I would really do what he says cause you can't live without skin."

Kevin just looked at Vincent and gave him an uncomfortable smile and nodded his head in agreement.

Vincent continued, "They taught us in school that our skin is our first line of defense against infection and if my dad takes yours off then you are pretty much gonna die. But then you don't have to worry about him beating you up so that's good right?"

Kevin stopped smiling, glanced at me, then down at the roof and muttered a meek, "yeah".

We finished our work. Everyone was proud of what we had accomplished. Kevin thanked me and we made plans to blow stuff up on the 3rd of July. It's his birthday. He bought a few hundred dollars worth of fireworks. The big kind. As in, "Sweet mother of goodness that's a big'@$$ firework" or "Are those even legal to have without a license?" That kind of big. I said I'd bring the cold salads and chips if he brought the meat and beer. We had a deal, shook on it, and climbed off the roof.

A moment later Vincent and I were on our way home. I talked with him about everything that had happened. I explained that I should have paid more attention to my language. It's a bad feeling when you have to scold yourself in front of your child. 

But Vincent made everything better when he said, "It's OK Dad. I know you're sorry. Actually Dad, Kevin is dumber than my friends at school and I don't even play with the dumb kids. (He meant troublemakers.) It's kinda nice that you help him. Our teacher says we have to be nice to everyone but some kids are bad to be around. I think you won't have to take Kevin's skin off. He looked very sorry, like for real sorry, not like pretend sorry so people stop yelling at you. I think he will be good from now on."

I put my arm around him and held him a little closer as we walked. "I bet you're right buddy. I love you ya know that?"

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"You say that a lot. I already know it."

"Good! Then you will just have to get used to hearing it all the time because I love telling you how much I love you!" I grabbed him up and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. We giggled and tickled each other the whole way home. It's great being a dad!