Wednesday, February 27, 2013

From On High

Went to visit The Neighbor Lady and her family this evening. They had friends visiting from out of town and they wanted us to meet each other. Everyone was very nice and we all were having a great time. The adults were seated in the living room enjoying coffee and after dinner drinks while the children played in the spare room off the living room. From where we were sitting we could see down the few carpeted steps into the spare room and we all commented on how well the boys were playing together. That is, until a wicked shriek pierced the air.

The Neighbor Lady shot up like she was fired out of a cannon, "Oh mah gawd! Whut's wrong?" and she ran toward the kids. The other adults followed suit. Children scream from time to time but this scream was blood curdling. I fully expected to see someone bleeding at a minimum and missing teeth would not have been a surprise.

About the time the rest of the adults reached the top of the steps they all froze in their tracks as if they hit an invisible wall. Suddenly The Neighbor Lady screamed a few curse words and all at once, as if driven back by evil forces, every adult turned and bolted back into the living room. The looks on their faces were a mixture of horror and disgust.

What on Earth had happened in there I wondered? Then just as the crowd was parting, a horrible smell met my nose. The smell was a combination of fear, confusion and hot poop. I gagged, turned, and ran for the kitchen. I didn't have any children in that room so there was really no reason for me to hang around. Whatever had happened in there was completely up to the parents to handle. I get wild when faced with strange feces. Actually, feces in any capacity, in any setting, can really put me off my game so to speak.

I came to a stop on the far side of the kitchen. Kevin, the neighbor ladies husband, was right behind me. I turned and looked at him. He was white and looked like he was about to barf.

"Kevin! What the hell did you see?" I demanded.

"Oh gawd Mike! I think sumthin' shat all over the kids!" His eyes were wild with fear. "Connor had it in his hair and Bobby's little boy might'a had it on his face!" Just then we heard a quivering voice shout from the spare room, "Stop touching it! Gaaahhgg....urrrp. Oh, gawd...its every...guuurp."

The next moment The Neighbor Lady and the other mother came out of the room holding their weeping children in front of them at arms length. What I saw scared me more than anything else in my entire life. There was feces everywhere. On the mothers, on the kids, it was on faces and in hair and on hands.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What happened in there?" Bobby whispered. Kevin gulped, "Um, I think sumthin' shitted all over the kids." I looked at Kevin, "What the hell do you mean something? We are the only people in the house Kevin. Are you saying something hovered in the air and took a dump on the boys?"

"Mike, I swear ta gawd it looked like they got shitted on from above!" he replied.

We stood there in the kitchen, three husbands each holding a mixed drink, looking through the living room, down the hall toward the bathroom where the women were tending to the children. We could see Dawn standing outside the bathroom door with her arms crossed. She had a confused look on her face. Once in a while she would squint and wrinkle up her face and step back a bit. We didn't want to imagine what she saw.

Bobby broke the silence. He whispered, "You mean ta say it rained poop in yer spare room. That jus' don' make no sense Kevin. That don' make no sense a'tall." I laughed, "Maybe you should bring the boys a change of clothes Kevin so the women don't have to track poop all over the house. Somebody is gonna have to clean up the spare room and if you try to appear helpful then maybe they won't make you do it." Kevin looked at me, "Lets grab some beers and go in the garage. Better yet, lets jus' leave. We got cell phones. Grab some beers Mike and we can go out through the back door." Kevin is brilliant.

I grabbed a six pack and headed for the door. I waved to Dawn and put my finger to my lips to tell her to be quiet. She waved me off as if to say, "RUN MIKE RUN!"
You could have heard a mouse pissing on cotton as we opened the door and crept across the back deck. We didn't close the car doors all the way until we were half way down the driveway. A few minutes later Kevin pulled into a fire lane and turned off the car. I grabbed the six pack and placed it on the hood. Then Kevin broke the silence, "We gonna be sum sufferin' son's-a-bitches when we get home." I just looked at the ground and popped my beer open. Then Bobby did the same and took a big long drink from his beer, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, chucked the cap into the darkness and said, "Kevin, jus' whut in the hell did you see now? Which one of em done it? Mine or yer kid cause we got ta know who the hell ta git after." Kevin clanked his beer down onto the hood. "I'm tellin' you them kids didn' do it. Sumthin shitted on em from on high! Fer God as my witness I know whut I saw. It came from on high!" I laughed and nearly shot beer out my nose. "You don't have to get biblical about it Kevin!"

Just then Kevin's phone rang. He answered it and we could hear The Neighbor Lady reading him the riot act. She finished. Kevin said goodbye and promised we would be home soon and hung up. We stood there frozen, waiting for him to say something. He finished his beer, chucked it in the woods and grabbed a new one. "Well, first of all the kids were shitted on from above. One of em grabbed the dog and squeezed the hell out'a her. She must'couldn'ta been able to hold it in an' she blew like one of them geezer things in Yeller' Stone Park."

We couldn't take it. Bobby and I fell to the ground laughing. After a while we caught our breath, finished the last few beers, jumped in the car and laughed all the way back to the house.

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