Dear Cats

Dear Cats,

Yes, I said cat's. That means all of you. I can not imagine that with all of the damage in the house last night that any of you are entirely innocent.

Let me run down the list of things that are absolutely out of line that you are all responsible for.

Why was Bobcat locked in the den? I shouldn't have to explain why its a bad idea close anyone off from access to the litter boxes. What if he had to take a dump? You are lucky he didn't make a mess in there! Actually, it was the sound of Bobcat crying that alerted us to the turmoil in the house in the first place. He sounds like a crippled tornado siren when he gets scared. Maybe that's why you keep doing it to him? I really don't know and I don't care. The next time I wake up to the sound of him or anyone else yeowling at 4:00 AM on a SATURDAY morning I'm gonna go supernova. 

Somebody might get sold to gypsies!

Guest bathroom toilet paper. Why is it half off of the roll, some in the toilet with remainder in the shower and hallway? It's toilet paper. It's not that serious.

Master bathroom toilet paper. Not only is it ALL off of the roll but someone decided to shred it into the smallest of bits. It was also dragged, in ragged chunks, down the hallway and into the Dr. Pepper puddle in the kitchen.

Ms. Mousey's cage. Why is it sideways on the table? Her wheel is broken! It goes, 'squee-clunk, squee-clunk, squee-clunk'. I know it still turns, but do you know what that sound does to my nervous system? She did not break that wheel by herself. The wheel is made of steel! Thankfully she is still alive and the cage was never breached. I don't know how you did it but its your fault.

Refrigerator door open with various items taken out and sampled. No need to elaborate. But know this, heads are gonna roll. People food is not cheap! Neither is electricity. The kitchen floor was freezing and the water bottles were sweaty! And whoever was chewing on the onion...you truly are a dummy.  There were open hot dogs one shelf up.

Brand new two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in middle of kitchen floor. It was sealed and safely on the counter when I went to bed. I found it completely open with all of the contents spilled onto the floor. My mind reels at how you thumbless cretins got the bottle open in the first place.

I still can't find the cap! 

Something tells me it was either a concerted effort by two or more of you or an act of God. And why is there an amazing amount of cat food in the puddle? You actually had to push piles of cat food  all the way around the kitchen island in order to get it in there. Were you rooting in it like pigs? Its been there for a while too because the pieces are all swollen with soda. The chicken-leg shaped pieces look like turkey legs now and the tiny fish look like carp. A mess like that belongs on the floor of some kind of freaky slaughter house. Not in the middle of my kitchen!

What happened to the cable TV remote control? It was chewed to smithereens and lying in the puddle of Dr. Pepper as well. Half the buttons can't be read anymore! How do you expect me to navigate my way through all the garbage programming on cable TV in order to find the nature shows everyone likes to watch? You know the ones with the lions and birds and stuff that you swat at? Yeah, how the heck am I supposed to find them if I have no idea what the buttons do anymore? NO, I'm not going to stumble through every menu and every permutation of buttons till I find the show you like. Not gonna happen. Now we can all sit and stare at the radio like they used to in the old days.
Oh, you don't know whats going on during the radio programs? Well, fix the remote! Oh, you don't have thumbs? Well how the hell did you get the soda bottle open?

Cat food. Someone is going to confess to this. Who opened the cupboard and chewed through the cat food bag? The one next to it was open you clowns! All you had to do was look and you would have noticed it. Never mind that their was still food in your bowls when Bobcat woke us up!

God does not drink soda so quit blaming the Dr. Pepper thing on him.

Why was Milton loose? Who helped him open his cage? Why would you want him loose in the first place? All he does is hump you when he's loose. He is a rabbit. He humps anything that moves! The only one who seems to enjoy that is Bobcat and he was locked in the den so we know he didn't do it. 

Far be it from us to save you from Milton's affections any more. 

You asked for it! 

You got it! 

Normally we supervise his out of cage time so no one gets humped. But, from now on, whenever Milton is loose, he gets to wander around the house and stalk anyone he likes. Don't cry if he gets you either! I know it hurts. Just go somewhere and walk it off.

Sincerely,

Dad