"She shook it and gave it a sniff!"

Dear Busy Body Post Office Lady, 

I want to begin by thanking you for taking care of my mail. Good job!

But, it isn't necessary to offer a verbal breakdown of each package that didn't fit in my post office box.

Now, I realize that in a town of  300 people your job may get a bit boring. There may be times when your job seems tedious and repetitive. You have my sympathy and my respect. But, announcing the sender, speculating on the packages contents, and offering unsolicited advice about the imagined contents of the package in front of other customers is, well, its just stupid. In fact, it creeps us out.

The thought of you spending time alone with our stuff in a dimly lit office with all kinds of time on your hands makes us feel a little bit dirty inside. Do you shake the packages when they arrive like a child at Christmas? Do you smell them? We've watched you through the tiny door of the post office box and more than a few of us think you actually smell the packages. And that little shake you give each package before you hand it to us makes our stomachs tighten. We set our jaws and do our best not to snatch the thing out of your hands like a greedy child snatching at a favorite toy. We are adults. Yet you have the ability to awaken the five year old in each of us when you molest our stuff.

Have you noticed the people gathering outside the tiny post office before and after we pick up our mail? I'm sure passersby who see the frequent gatherings must think, "Oh, look! People meet outside the post office and chat because its a quaint little spot for people to gather and chat from time to time." We wish that was the case. But more often than not the conversations go something like this.

"Hi Debbie."

"Hi Mike, did you get the contract you were hoping for?"

"Um, we find out later this week. Fingers crossed right?"

"I hear ya Mike. Its hard to find decent work in this economy. Well, I have to see if I've got any packages to pick up from Ms. Busy Body in there."

"Ha! I didn't pick up mail for the last two days because I didn't want to deal with her foolishness that early in the week."

"You know what she did? She actually told my husband that he should stop buying books from Amazon because there are local resellers in our area who need the money."

"Oh, I know what you mean Debbie! She told me that I should switch to a different insurance company last week. AND she said I should tell State Farm to stop sending me junk mail. She also told me that there are doctors offices closer to town where we can get "Better service."

"Mike, you put up with more than the rest of us because you are new in town. Lets go inside together and if she gives you hell I'll set her straight."

   Now, I hope I have illustrated what is actually happening in front of our quaint post office sufficiently for you. Grown people are banding together in groups of two or more in order to deal with/confront you. You are 4'9" tall. We wait for backup.  Do you see what you have done to us?

In summary I want to again thank you for your service. Maybe you could hold back on some of your opinions in the future? Then again, after careful consideration, it is people like you who make this town special.  Where else can you get a crazy small town post office experience and feel deeply bonded to your neighbors in ways you never imagined? On second thought, you probably shouldn't change the way you are.

But maybe you could stop sniffing the packages. We can see you through the little door in the post office box and you look mighty creepy snorting through our stuff.

Sincerely
Us