Saturday, September 22, 2012

Don't Be a Menace to Your Neighbors When You're Flaunting Your Side Boob in the Yard.

Dawn and I have a morning routine that we follow most days. It's no different than yours or any other couples I suspect. But what separates us from the rest of the population is that some of our mornings begin with a visit from The Neighbor Lady.

Take last Tuesday for example.

It was 5:00AM and Curt Cobain was singing "Pennyroyal Tea" over the clock radio.

"Oooh I like this song." I muttered and rolled over to snuggle until the song was over.

"I like it too but its a little too 'shouty' for me first thing in the morning Mike. Please turn it off." Dawn sat up in bed, cocked her head to one side and wrinkled up her face with a quizzical look. "Turn it off Mike. Do you hear that?"

"What?" I said and reached for the radio.

"MIKE turn it off. I think someones knocking on the door."

I reluctantly clicked the song off and made a mental note to dig out my Nirvana CD's later in the day. Then I heard the knocking.

"Oh my goodness. Its too early for this." Dawn said and crawled out of bed a little irritated. We grabbed our robes and walked into the front room. I flicked on the porch light and could see the silhouette of a person outside. Only one person we know could cast that shadow. The Neighbor Lady.

"Dawn don't open that door." I whispered.

"Mike shhhh! The window is open and you just turned the light on. How stupid would it look if we don't answer the door?" 

"Well it could be a motion light." I offered.

"Sure, one that goes on after you stand on the porch for five minutes banging on the door like a crazy woman at o'dark-thirty." Dawn frowned.

I smiled and shot back, "SHHH! The window is open!"

"One second!" I called out and straightened my robe. No need to let too much sexy loose that early in the day.

Dawn opened the door.

The Neighbor lady was standing there in her ratty old nightgown. And to my horror the porch light was illuminating her in such a way that ALL of her sexy was revealed. The fabric of her nightgown was already translucent from thread loss but the light made it transparent. There were shadows in places that shouldn't have been places. If you can imagine a smiling Jabba the Hutt wrapped in a torn white sheet under a spotlight then you have a pretty good idea of what we saw. 

She started in, "OH MAH GAWD! I'm so glad you guy's are home." I didn't know where else we were supposed to be at that time of day but didn't mention it. "Did you know yer ducks are tryin ta kill each other? They doin it right now. Listen!" She pointed to her back yard.

We could hear ducks quacking in the distance. It was normal to hear them every morning except this time the quacking sounded stressed, hurried, kind of urgent. Dawn was the first to break loose from the spell cast by the image before us.

"What's going on? Where are they?" She said taking a step onto the porch.

"They in our pool. Ace is try'in ta kill Sasha! Come see. I'm serious." She motioned quickly with one arm for us to follow. As she waved her arm a piece of of her night gown fell away from her armpit. I now hold the world record for most side boob viewed at one time by any living man. My response was physical. One hand covered my mouth, the other my stomach. I bent over and escaped back into the dark house. Dawn was a little more cavalier about everything. She was worried about her ducks. The idea of them killing each other had her stressed and no amount of side boob was going to keep her from her duckies.

When they got far enough ahead of me I peeked out of the house and quietly followed them. If The Neighbor Lady was making a play for me I didn't want to let on. "No need to fuel that fire." I thought to myself. 

As I approached the back of the Neighbor Ladies house I could clearly hear two ducks splashing in the pool. Then Dawn called out to me.

"Mike, what is Ace doing?" She looked back at the ducks. "ACE GET OFF OF HER!"

I looked in the pool and could see Ace on top of Sasha, pushing her under the water. He was biting her in the back of the neck and beating the water with his wings like a bird possessed. They were both quacking up a storm.

"MIKE! OH MAH GAWD ya got ta stop em! He's gonna drowned'er! Do sumthin'!"

"Um.....actually......It looks like they have everything under control. Well, Ace has everything under control at least. HAHAHA! Git'r boy! Git'r good!" I laughed out loud and said something about early morning duck porn and side boobs but neither Dawn nor The Neighbor Lady caught on to what I meant. I can't blame them for not listening. Duck sex is pretty brutal looking if it happens in the water so I elaborated.

"They aren't killing each other. They are tryin'ta make baby duckies. You two are are sharing a special early morning moment with them is all. I think all the side boob loose in the yard got them a little randy if ya know what I mean." I turned and walked back toward the house with my robe wrapped tightly around me. It wouldn't be any good to stick around and say any more than I already had. Dawn was smart enough to know what I meant and it would be better if she explained things in greater detail for The Neighbor Lady. The last thing I wanted to do at 5:00AM on a Tuesday morning was have to explain the birds and the bees to The Neighbor Lady. Or should I say the ducks and the bees? Either way, she was half nekid, it was dark, it was early and I wanted to find my Nirvana CD's.

Dawn got back to the house about a minute later. She closed the door behind her and looked at me. "Mike, are we going to have baby ducks? I mean I guess they have to do it somehow but I never imagined it being that rough." She turned off the porch light and took a cup of coffee from my outstretched hand. Whoever put a timer on a coffee maker was a brilliant person.

"Well, it sure looks like Ace wants to have baby ducks. So, I guess we have to Google how long it takes a duck to lay eggs after the deed is done." I took a sip of coffee and checked the time. 

Dawn shook her head. "You know what she said? She actually wanted us to get them out of the pool because she didn't think it was sanitary to let them do that in the water. Like I'm going to climb in the pool and break them up."

"HAHAHA! Ace and Sasha are the ones who have to worry about sanitary conditions if you ask me. Have you seen the color of that water lately? The folks at Crayola couldn't imagine that color of green." I smiled.

Then a sound from the yard interrupted us. We put down our coffee and went to the window. It was The Neighbor Lady. She was walking toward our place, both of her arms out to her sides with furious side boob in full effect. Ace and Sasha were in front of her quacking up a storm, waddling away from her as fast as their webbed feet would go. She was talking to them. "Now stay in yer own yard if yer gonna do that. Gawd. Shoo. Go on, git."

I shouted through the screen, "Player hater!"

"Whut?" She called back.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game!" Dawn punched me in the arm. "Damn woman! Can't a duck git a little piece'a tail? You ain't even right! Why you hatin' like that Neighbor Lady?" I shouted.

"Huh?" She was still shooing the ducks.

"Nothing......" I said and pulled the blind back down. "HATER!" I yelled one last time and dodged another swat from Dawn.

"MIKE STOP! You're hollering out the window like a "gangsta" at 5 AM." She threw up the air quotes. "Whats wrong with you?" She walked past me and shut the window. "Now go take a shower or something. Make breakfast. I don't care."

"OOOO Lets take a bath!" I grinned.

"Mike! GIT!" She pointed to the kitchen.

"Come on baby. All this sex and nudity's got me goin! Quack, Quack, Quack!" I reached out and pulled her into my arms.

"MIKE!......OUCH! What the hell is wrong with you? You just bit me on the neck!" She spun around and pushed me away.

I smiled and stepped back. "Fine, be a hater!" 

"You're not a "gangsta" Mike knock it off." Again with the air quotes. She smiled as she walked down the hall to the bedroom.

"Pimpin ain't easy." I shouted back. "Brotha's gotta git his. Right Ace?" I could hear Dawn laughing in the distance. 

So it seems as though we might have baby ducks on the way. That is if The Neighbor Lady can stop hatin'.


  1. Nice work! I won't get my hopes up for baby ducks but it sure would be fun to have them.

  2. Thanks. Sorry about your neck, at least I didn't leave a mark.