Sunday, March 16, 2014

A Letter to Milton

Dear Milton,

I love you. You are the funniest and most social rabbit I've ever owned. You are a great pet. But we need to talk.

The last time we put you under anesthetic to repair your damaged ear your heart stopped. I remember. I was there. You flat lined on us. I pumped the air bag while the vet gave you chest compressions and the adrenaline shot. You do not do well under anesthetic. That is why we were advised to refrain from getting you fixed. You dogged that bullet. But now I'm having second thoughts.

Its times like this, when you are sleeping peacefully ON TOP of your cage, stretched out on your side like the king of the world that I think about what you do to this family. Your constant cat humping is placing a strain on my wife. She gets wound up if I even look at a cat wrong. Just imagine how she feels when she catches you hammering on a cat in the missionary position! You thought Mr. McGregor was unhappy with Peter Rabbit? Imagine how Mom gets when she sees you trying to set a land speed record up a cats backside.

You are really screwing up your Karma.

Personally, I just think you and the cats are big freaks. I mean Vorpal seems to tolerate and almost welcome your advances. Even Jasper doesn't mind a good shagging from time to time. He lets you do it while he's eating. Stanley is mostly fine with it unless you actually connect with his business and then it looks like it hurts him. But that's probably his fault for rolling onto his back and giving you an unobstructed path to his danger zone.

Mom doesn't see things the way I do. If it were up to me, and its never ever up to me, but if it was I would let you and the cats figure it out. They can get to the top of the cat tree. You can't. Problem solved. But things don't work that way in our house. You get amorous and I get yelled at because I do nothing to stop you. Do you see the connection? Your sex life is infringing on my peace and quiet.

Please put a leash on your libido and stop messing up your karma. The disturbances you cause in the force have rippling effects. Do your best to stay off the wave that lands you in the vets office.

Thank you.


P.S. Stop jumping the barrier to the guest bedroom. Mom set that up so the cats can have a rape free zone for nap time.

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