Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Choking Curse

Dawn and I went for a walk today. But, before we made it to the end of the driveway The Neighbor Lady called out to us. This is what happened.

"Hey Mike!"

I pretended that I didn't hear her. I wasn't being mean, I just didn't want to deal with any foolishness.

"MIKE! MIKE COME HERE!" She sounded kinda forceful. Demanding even.

We walked closer to her and I said, "Oh hey. How ya be...." she cut me off.


"Hell no! You... NO!" I wanted to kick her in the leg.

She has 4 cats and 19 kittens. All of them live outside, are covered with fleas and ticks from tip to tail and are fed dog food. Even the kittens get dog food. Big honkin' pieces of dog food. P.E.T.A. would eat this woman alive.

"Which one's missing?" Dawn asked.

"The gray and white one. Did you guys take him?"

Dawn could sense my anger but didn't stop me, "Holy crap woman! You accuse us of a whole lot of things don't you? When we moved in you thought we were drug dealers because we don't use our porch light. Then you and your mom saw us doing yoga outside and thought we were worshiping Satan. Those are some really twisted thoughts.  Oh, and Kevin thinks our car looks like a hearse. Its a friggen Volvo. It isn't even a wagon, its a sedan. Have you ever seen a Volvo? No don't answer me. It doesn't matter. Now you seriously think we took your kitten?"

I felt like putting the choking curse on her. You know, it's the curse where you wish someone will randomly choke on stuff just to the point where they turn blue and cough it up. Then they cry as snot runs out their nose and they tell everyone how they almost died. That's the choking curse. It's powerful. She's lucky I haven't used it... yet.

The Neighbor Lady continued, "Well it's jus that yesterday the gray and white one was all wet like sumwun had give him a bath. He smelled like shampoo. I checked his ears an all the gunk was cleaned out 'em. He didn' have fleas or nuthin! I'm pissed! No one should be touchin on ma cats!"

"So someone probably saw how filthy he was and felt sorry for him. Maybe if you took care of your animals then other people wouldn't have to do it for you."

"Well they ain't got no rite! I think they might'a put flea drops on him too."

"Seriously? You mean they actually took the time to clean him and take care of him? That's awful! If I were you I'd shoot whoever did it. Shoot em right in the ass. No one has the right to be kind to your animals!"

"What? Why you talkin' bout shootin' people?"

"Wow......OK, you said you can't find him. But he was here yesterday and someone gave him a bath. Which one was it? You said gray and white. Now that could be any of a handful of kittens. Does it have a name and do you seriously think we would take your non vaccinated, flea ridden, underfed filthy animals in our house?"

"No, I don't think ya'll took him..... But it's just he's missin' an my mom drove over one of the kittens yesterday and there's three other ones gone now too."

"Oh my god I'm gonna smash you......You ran over a it OK?"

"Nope, it died right away. I threw it over in the neighbors yard so we wouldn' have ta look at it. See it over there? Kevin is gonna bury it tomorrow."

"YOU HIT IT YESTERDAY? Now you want to wait three days to bury it? Are you hoping for a resurrection? Where is it?"

She pointed again, "Right there."

I started to walk toward it but Dawn stopped me. "Mike don't go over there. You don't want to see it. It's not worth it."

I was about to go supernova. 

"Tell us which one is missing." Dawn said.

"Chunky. He's the nicest of em all. He's the one who goes in yer yard an plays with Mike all da time."

I interrupted, "Well we don't have him.... You sat there last night dreaming up a fantasy in which we washed him and then stole him didn't you?"



"No I..."

"And then you sat around stewing over it until you saw us today. I was born at night woman but I wasn't born last night. You came out of your house and blasted off at us about it because you think you can get away with it. Well you are wrong. It stops now. You are offensive and impolite."

"No Mike, I jus was thinkin'....."

"Dawn, I'm ready for a walk. Lets get going before I say something foolish."

I turned and walked to the end of the driveway. Meanwhile, The Neighbor Lady explained to Dawn how the kitten was hit, how Chunky came home all wet and clean, and why she thought that maybe we washed him because he always goes to our house to play with me. Then she explained that she hadn't seen him or three other kittens all day.
Evidently the stress was more than she could handle. She apologized to Dawn but was a little offended by some of the things I had said.

Dawn didn't apologize for me. She just kept the focus on the kittens and said we would keep an eye out for Chunky.

Dawn is an amazing wife. Most women would apologize for their husbands in a situation like that. But, not Dawn. She never emasculates me by offering apologies where they aren't intended. Sure, she may smooth things over or look for a peaceful resolution, that's natural. But she never puts words in my mouth. If more people cared for each other the way Dawn cares for me then I'm sure there would be more happy couples in the world.

She caught up with me at the end of the driveway. "Mike. You could have told her that we washed Chunky." 

"Well, yeah.....but......Honey, she accused us of stealing her cat. That accusation needed to be dealt with."

"Don't you think it could have been solved by telling her everything right away?"

"Yes, I agree with you. Everything would have been solved. But Honey, I can't let her talk like that to us anymore."

"Yes you can." She was obviously using her Jedi powers. The force is strong in that one.

"Well....uh......I....grrr..... OK. Yes I can." My midichlorian count isn't quite as high as hers.

"Remember what you told Vincent? We have to help them, not get angry at them."

I laughed, "Actually I think I said something like we have to help those idiots."

"Not cool Mike. Idiot shouldn't be part of Vincent's every day vocabulary."

"Dawn, I love you. But this isn't about Vincent. Its about that idiot woman saying offensive things. We  gave Chunky a bath because he was covered with vermin. You know how soft my heart is when it comes to animals so lets not get all "Jedi mind tricks" on me right now. I'm not as Zen as you. In fact, me and Zen are lucky to be on a first name basis."

We walked quietly for a while holding hands. Its nice to be part of a team, to know that the one you love supports you and always has your best interests in mind.

I was smiling inside and out, thinking about Dawn and our life, when she glanced at me with a little spark in her eye and said, "The Neighbor Lady's a jerk isn't she?" We smiled. Then I wrapped her in my arms, gave her a big kiss, and grinned like a school boy. 

We spent the rest of our walk trying to figuring out sneaky ways to wash the rest of The Neighbor Ladies kittens.

I'm sure the whole neighborhood could hear us belly laughing.

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