Wednesday, June 13, 2012

"We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming."

Was outside in the yard today. The Neighbor Lady saw me.... What happened next was three months in the making.

"Mike, how come you ain't werkin?"

"Oh, the back end of the website is down and the boss seems to think he's a crack programmer, but all he uses is Access. So now he's got everything so knotted up that its gonna take Bill Gates and a team of wild white horses to fix everything he did wrong. I don't really mind though because when something is wrong he takes the opportunity to show me a few things. But, that's a little like only showing me the end of the movie. Most of the time I think I get whats going on but I don't really know how in the heck we got there in the first place."


"Computers broke. Can't work."

"Oh.........Why don't you get a job that doesn't need computers? See, that's why me an Kevin got job security. He drives a tow truck and I'm in nursing. Don't need computers for any of that."

"Well, that's a great point! But I like to work with computers and all that fancy stuff."

"Well what will you do if there is ever no power? Like if a sunspot gits us? How you gonna stay alive an feed yer family?"


"Oh don't worry about me. I was in the Army. They taught me how to kill and which parts of a person are good to eat. I'm not worried."


"Yep.... In fact there are certain parts of a person that are poisonous and will kill you in a flash if you eat them."

"Good lord! That's terrible."

"I know right?"

......Long pause........

"Whut parts?"

"Holy crap, you think I'm going to tell you? I don't want you trying to eat me some day! In fact we take an oath when we enlist that we won't give out certain information."

"Well.......what about the rest of us? So only Army people git to know these things? That ain't fair!"

"Don't worry. We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming. Totally painless."

"OH MA GAWD MIKE THATS TERRIBLE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!....MIKE.......NO MIKE.....MY DADS GONNA FREAK OUT WHEN HE HEARS THIS! OH MA GAWD! MIKE NO!...(blah blah blah words words words, no mike no blah blah)"

I stood there stoic and stared into her glassy blue eyes, then turned and walked back to my house. I paused just long enough to glance over my shoulder and smile a big Cheshire grin at her before closing the door behind me.

The next time the power goes out I'm going to stand in my front yard with a cooler, some rope, a bucket, and my Wal-Mart machete..............wearing rain gear even if its not raining..........and stare.

1 comment: