Forts, Heat Waves, and Wizard 101

Vincent and I decided to build a fort today. Actually we didn't get much farther than the planning stage because it's been blisterly hot here lately. The temperature hovers around 100-104 during the day. But we can't be expected to stay inside during summer vacation can we?

The past four days we've waited until dark to leave the house but not today. I woke up, got dressed, fed the boy, dressed him, scrubbed his teeth and told him that we were going to build a fort no matter how hot it was outside.

"Um, Dad. If it gets too hot I might have to go back in the house OK?"

"Don't worry buddy. We will take it easy. In fact we are bringing water bottles and cookies with us so we can stay hydrated and keep our blood sugar up."

"Whats hy-ja-tay-ted?"

"Hydrated, it means that we have to keep drinking water so we don't dehydrate or dry out inside."

"Well can't you just say that we have to drink a lot of water so we don't get dried out inside?"

"I guess I could." 

"Dad, we could die out there and then...."

I interrupted him,"No we will not die out there. We will only be 200 feet from the house."

"OK Dad."    

I filled a backpack with rope, water, a hammer, nails, cookies and some tape. I don't really know what the tape was for. Maybe it was the boy scout in me. Be prepared!

Vincent watched me load everything into the pack. "Dad. Mom said we aren't supposed to take rope into the woods. We could hang ourselves."

"No, YOU are not supposed to take rope into the woods because YOU could hang YOURSELF." I pointed at him and grinned, "See the difference?"

Dawn heard us from the other room and came in the kitchen. "Mike. I don't want you two taking rope in those woods. Someone's gonna get all slung upside down and I don't want to have to cut anyone loose or visit the emergency room today. Put it back."

"See Dad! I told you! Neither of us can do it!" Vincent smiled ear to ear.

"Dawn, I need the rope so Vincent can pull on the trees I have to chop down."

Both Vincent and Dawn chimed in together, "WHAT?"

"Dad! Are we really gonna chop down trees? HAHAHAHOOOOOOO YEEEEAAAH!"

"Mike you've lost your mind. It's five thousand degrees outside and you want your 9 year old son to pull down trees in the tick infested forest. Why don't you two find something to do inside that doesn't involve chopping, building, or hanging from anything?"

"Mom, Dad is really safe. We will be OK." Vincent was using his most reassuring voice. Then he looked at me and said a little incredulously, "Dad, are you really gonna chop down a tree?"

"Yep, I'm gonna chop down more than one tree actually. See, we need to make a floor for the tree fort and I measured out a ten by ten foot area that we need to turn into the floor and....."

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! We're gonna chop down trees!"

Dawn grimaced."Vincent! Don't shriek please." He apologized and jumped up and down in place for the next minute. Clearly the idea of chopping something down was right up his alley. I knew it would be. I was nine years old once too. I know all about that kind of stuff.

Dawn continued, "If I have to take someone to the hospital today I'm going to leave you both there. I'm serious. I will take you there but you will both be walking home."

"Relax Honey. Everything will be fine. Trust me."

"Famous last words Mike. Famous last words."

Vincent stopped jumping and huffed and puffed for a moment. I looked at him and cracked a big Cheshire grin. "You ready boy?"

"YEEEEEESSSSS!" he shrieked.

"Hahahaha! Buddy you have to use your inside voice please."

I helped him get the backpack on and he nearly ran me over on his way to the door. I could hear the water sloshing in the two big bottles and watched as it took him a little off balance. He got to the door and steadied himself then turned around with his hand on the doorknob and waited for me.

"Come on Dad!" He swung the door open.

I would not say that we actually winced as the outside air hit us but we both had a physical reaction. Vincent put both his hands out as if to hold back the heat and I squinted like an old bachelor farmer peering across a dry field.

"WHEW! You ready boy?"

"Um...Dad..."

"No, no, no. You can't chicken out on me now buddy. We have work to do."

I took his hand and we made a few steps onto the porch. We were still in the shade of the overhang and stopped just short of the shadow it cast. To say that the air was hot and thick would be an understatement. Every pore in our bodies flew open to prepare for the sweat that was sure to follow.

We made our way through the yard and over to the shed. We stood in the shade of the shed and I gathered the camp ax and machete. The trees were only ten yards away so we ran across the open distance like a couple of jack rabbits. Then we struggled for a bit as we worked our way a little deeper into the forest. The trees provided a bit of relief against the direct rays of the sun but the air was so still that it was a challenge to breathe. Finally we got to the group of fallen trees we planned to use as the foundation for our fort and stopped.

"Dad. I can't carry this backpack anymore. I'm just gonna put it down right here OK?" He was huffing and puffing.

"Bring it here buddy, I'll carry it." I helped him take it off and slung it over my shoulder. Wow, it was heavier than I thought it was.

"OK, I'm gonna jump up here on this fallen tree. I need you to...OUCH! Holy cow! Vincent don't touch that tree it's hot." I had put my hand on the horizontal trunk of a huge fallen tree and was shocked by how hot it was. Little pieces of loose hot bark stuck to my sweaty palm and I quickly brushed my hands off on my shorts. I must have looked pretty concerned because the tone in Vincent's voice told me he was a little nervous.

"DAD! There's trees everywhere. Whats wrong?"

"Oh you don't have to worry buddy. That one tree there was a little hotter than I thought it was going to be is all. Its no big deal."

"Well if you can't touch the trees then does that mean we have to go back in the house?" He sounded hopeful.

I looked around the woods. What else could we do out here that didn't include touching anything hot? I thought about digging a pit under an up turned root system and covering it with branches but decided against it. Every animal in the forest was under those root systems right now seeking shelter. I didn't want to tangle with a water moccasin or a hot opossum.

"We can just go back in the house I guess. You want to play some Wizard 101?" I asked.

"YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA! I LOVE WIZARD 101!" He started to jump up and down and thrust his arms back and forth like he just scored a game winning touchdown.

"I'm gonna see if my friends are online and then maybe if you help me we can go after that one guy in the cave together...." He trailed off as he walked back toward the house.

By the time I got home he was already inside, in front of the computer waiting for me with a big smile. I put the backpack down and grabbed my laptop. When I finally settled in next to him I let out a big sigh and turned on the computer. He could tell I was a little let down that we couldn't stay outside. It's amazing how sensitive kids are. He reached over and put his hand on my arm and patted me, "It's OK Dad. We can build that fort any time when it's not hot out. Plus we can't even touch the trees anyway."

I smiled and looked at him. He was already logging in to Wizard 101 and didn't notice me staring at him. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the side of his head.

"You promise to help me make it the best fort there ever was?"

"Dad, everything we do is the best! And if we don't have to go to the hospital then it will be even better right?"

I just kept smiling at him. Then I picked a wood tick off his neck, crushed it and logged in to the game.

I'm so sick of cat baths.

Dawn decided that we would bathe all of the cats today. One of them got fleas two weeks ago. `I'm sick and tired of cat baths. I'm sick of fleas and ticks and the small flying dragons that come out of the woods at night to buzz past my head and generally terrify my family. Did I mention that I'm also sick of bathing cats? Because I am.

I'm not saying that I hate my cats. I just hate the idea of willfully closing myself in a tiny room with a slick and vicious screaming animal. Call me a pansy but I like my skin without jagged rips or holes.

I've been to the emergency room once this summer when Jasper took a hold of my middle finger and shook it like a pit bull. His top fang sliced through the top of my finger while the bottom fang went into the knuckle. I don't mean he simply bit my knuckle. I'm talking about, "Ooooooh, Dawn......ahhhhh.....  ummmm.......crap honey we gotta go to the emergency room."

"Why?"

I stuck my hand out and the look on her face said, "You rinse that sucker off and I'll get the car keys."

That was last week. I just finished my antibiotics this morning.

We started with the kittens. So Dawn rounded them up and stuck all of them in the bathroom. I plucked kittens off the floor one at a time and took care of business. They aren't so bad as long as you clip their nails regularly.

When the kittens were finished Dawn brought the adults in one by one. That's when the horror began.

Jasper
16 lbs of lovin' when dry. All hate and anger when wet.

"Honey! Just put him in the tub damnit! Don't dangle him over me! He's all claws and anger. Just get him in here and I'll hold him down."

"Mike shut up. I'm trying to but he's heavy. Jasper, settle down or I'm gonna have to throw you."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooowwwweeeeeewwwwaaaaaaaaaooooooowwwwwwwwww!" Jasper sounds like a terrified lunch whistle that's going through puberty.

"Woman if you throw that cat at me we are getting a divorce. Just put him down. There, now get the cup and get his back and neck. I'll hold his front end still......JASPER STOP FIGHTING."

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww"

"Honey is that water too warm? Don't you think he wants it a little coo........"

"WASH THE CAT DAWN! WASH THE CAT DAWN! FOCUS ON  THE CAT DAWN!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"Well I'm holding a thermonuclear warhead in my bare hands and you are worried about the water temp. If this cat goes super-critical I'm holding you responsible."

"OK I'm washing him, now shut up because you're making everyone nervous."

So we washed the remaining adult cats in much the same way. Until we got to Chloe.

Let me tell you a bit about Chloe. Chloe does not like kittens, she despises baths, and while she does love to be near me, all bets are off when she hears water running. She is by far the smallest cat we have and strangely she is easily the most violent about bath time. The sound she makes when she touches water is powerful and terrifying enough to shut down nerve centers in the human body. I actually seize up a little when she lets loose with the bad screams.

Dawn and I differ when it comes to bathing Chloe. I think she should be done first because when she hears the water running she becomes nervous. Why make her wait and listen to 6 other cats scream and howl and build up all that tension? At least that's how I see it. Dawn on the other hand likes to do
Chloe last. So that just means Chloe is always done last.

Chloe
Daddy's girl. AKA Five Pounds of Fury.

This time Dawn wanted to take point on washing her. I should have known that everything was going to go to hell when Dawn picked her up a second time to stick her under the running water I was using to rinse the tub. The only thing Chloe hates more than water is running water. Dawn touched Chloe, Chloe touched the running water and then Chloe's fangs touched Dawns hand. She bit her in the soft spot between the thumb and index finger and held on. I watched her pull her hand back with Chloe still attached. She had to pry Chloes mouth open with her free hand. Chloe actually lunged a second time but missed because Dawn darted out of the way. I simply stood there aghast and wide eyed.

"SHE GOT ME! MIKE SHE GOT ME! OOOOOOOOO MAN SHE GOT ME!"

She held out her hand. I saw it and said, "Rinse that sucker off and I'll get the car keys."

"No, she didn't get me deep. It just looks worse than it is because of all the bloody holes. Just get me some bleach. I'll be ok......wow......I'm getting dizzy!"

"Yeah, you nearly turned us both into homicide statistics. Now lets get you to the emergency room to have it looked at. Any time you can describe an injury as a 'bloody hole' then I think it warrants professional care."

"Wooooo! I'm dizzy."

"Yeah that's called shock. Here's the bleach."

"Pour it on and get me a chair." I poured some bleach on her hand and let her fiddle with it under the running water. It turned out that she was right. The damage was far less than it could have been.

"See honey! It's not bad at all, I'm just gonna soak it for a minute and catch my breath. Feels good to have all the cats washed doesn't it?" She smiled from ear to ear then tipped forward to put her head between her knees. I stood next to her and gently rubbed her back and told her how brave she was.

You can bet we will be washing Chloe first next time. If we can catch her. I'm so sick of cat baths.

"Man, you got to start listening to my dad so you don't die."

Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband asked me to give him a hand today. A wind storm had blown part of their roof off last night. It wasn't a huge hole he said. The wind caught the edge of the addition and a piece of plywood let loose. Vincent was with me so I figured it was a good time to teach him about ladder safety. This is what happened.

"Come on buddy, we got to help the neighbor fix his roof."

"His roof?"

"Yep, the wind blew part of it off. We have to go up there and nail it back on."

"Dad, that roof is huge! We have to do the whole roof?"

"No. Just a small piece. Come on, I'll show you."

Kevin was in his yard looking at the roof. "Ya think we can git it done taday Mike?"

"Well, it depends on how bad it is. Let’s get up there and see what we are dealing with."

Kevin grabbed the ladder and went up first. I told Vincent to wait for a moment before he came up so I could survey the damage. I was absolutely shocked.

"Kevin! What in the name of all that's good and right is going on here? I mean what the hell am I looking at?"

"Yeah, the guy who s'posed ta fix the roof the last time never finished."

There was an entire eight foot section of bloated plywood that was too small to fit the hole it was intended to cover just laying half nailed down and barely covered with tar paper. If I didn't know better I would have thought that someone just chucked the parts up from the ground and let them fall where they may. 

"Dude! How long has it been this way?"

"Well, ya moved here in March right?"

"WHAT? Since March? I shudder to think what’s happening to the ceiling under all that tragedy."

"Oh it caved in yesterday. Almost killed Ashley. Big ol’ section came down."

"Well Jesus Christ Kevin! Don't you think you might want to mention something like that before we go stomping around up here! I almost brought my son up here!"

I called down to Vincent and told him that cursing is never a good thing and to stay on the ground until I figured out if this was even something we could fix. He nodded his head and said something about never using bad words. Honestly I barely paid attention to him. There were more important things at hand. Namely not falling through the roof.

"So there are boards and nails and sheet rock in your bedroom right now Kevin? I mean I didn't see a pile of debris outside your house so I know it’s got to be just layin' there. Right?"

"Well I pushed it ta the side. Ashley wants me ta git it out da house though cause Conner is gonna git in it if we don't watch him."

"I don't even have words Kevin. Really I don't. I mean, man I like you and everything but sometimes you really freak me out. You can't have children walking around rusty nails and splinters. Not to mention that you had to notice how bad the ceiling was before it came down. You got to stop and think or someone is going to get hurt. And I'll tell you right now Kevin, if anyone in my family gets hurt because you or your family does something stupid then I will take great delight in beating you to within an inch of your life. Look at me Kevin. I shit you not. I will have your skin if you hurt my family."

"Don't worry Mike. I won't do nuthin. I jus need yer help. I promise I won't do nuthin like this again." 

"Oh, and one more thing, If I see you giving your kid a ride on the lawn mower again I'll put my foot in your ass so far that the water on my knee will quench your thirst. You could kill your child and I don't want to have to live next to a yard filled with pieces of two year old boy! Think about what Conner would look like spread out over ten yards of your lawn. I don't think you could live with yourself if that happened."

We stood there looking at each other for a very long while. Actually for him it must have been a very uncomfortable long while. Suddenly the silence was broken by a small voice from below us.

"Dad…um…you said "shit" and "ass". But I can't get in trouble for saying it cause I was only telling you what you said and those are bad words."

"I know Vincent. Dad is really sorry. Sometimes I make mistakes like that and I apologize. Thank you for pointing it out but next time you can just say, "the S word" if you need to repeat it ok?"

"Ok Dad."

I closely surveyed the condition of the roof and determined that only the sheet rock had fallen, not the actual studs supporting the roof. I pointed out the difference to Kevin. Then I decided it was safe for Vincent to come up. He loved every moment of it. There is something about a boy helping his dad that makes everyone smile. Soon the tension was gone and we were all having a good time.

We fixed what we could with the materials he had on hand. I guess we did a fair job but it's not going to stand up to much weather. He is going to call a roofer on Monday and get it done right.

Vincent turned out to be a great help and a great listener. He didn't seem scared at all. The best part was when he looked at Kevin and said, "Man, you got to start listening to my dad so you don't die. If he said he's gonna take your skin off I would really do what he says cause you can't live without skin."

Kevin just looked at Vincent and gave him an uncomfortable smile and nodded his head in agreement.

Vincent continued, "They taught us in school that our skin is our first line of defense against infection and if my dad takes yours off then you are pretty much gonna die. But then you don't have to worry about him beating you up so that's good right?"

Kevin stopped smiling, glanced at me, then down at the roof and muttered a meek, "yeah".

We finished our work. Everyone was proud of what we had accomplished. Kevin thanked me and we made plans to blow stuff up on the 3rd of July. It's his birthday. He bought a few hundred dollars worth of fireworks. The big kind. As in, "Sweet mother of goodness that's a big'@$$ firework" or "Are those even legal to have without a license?" That kind of big. I said I'd bring the cold salads and chips if he brought the meat and beer. We had a deal, shook on it, and climbed off the roof.

A moment later Vincent and I were on our way home. I talked with him about everything that had happened. I explained that I should have paid more attention to my language. It's a bad feeling when you have to scold yourself in front of your child. 

But Vincent made everything better when he said, "It's OK Dad. I know you're sorry. Actually Dad, Kevin is dumber than my friends at school and I don't even play with the dumb kids. (He meant troublemakers.) It's kinda nice that you help him. Our teacher says we have to be nice to everyone but some kids are bad to be around. I think you won't have to take Kevin's skin off. He looked very sorry, like for real sorry, not like pretend sorry so people stop yelling at you. I think he will be good from now on."

I put my arm around him and held him a little closer as we walked. "I bet you're right buddy. I love you ya know that?"

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"You say that a lot. I already know it."

"Good! Then you will just have to get used to hearing it all the time because I love telling you how much I love you!" I grabbed him up and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. We giggled and tickled each other the whole way home. It's great being a dad!