Sunday, October 28, 2012

Dear Sampson


Dear Sampson,

When I rescued you from "the scary house" I had no idea that you were going to be such a funny cat. The dirty people who kept you in a box when you were a tiny kitten were wrong for trying to stifle your spirit. Don't get me wrong, I think they liked you in their own way but it wasn't the nicest way to show their affection. This leads me to a very important point.
I appreciate that you are a little "touched" from time to time and seem to be driven by forces and motives which I may never understand. In fact it may come as a shock to you when I say that I never truly understand your actions.
With that said I want to address the episode last night involving the toilet and my side of the bed. Don't look away and act like something caught your attention. You know what happened. You did it!

There will be a new rule effective immediately. You are no longer allowed in the bathroom when I am using it. I know you are tormented inside when I go in there and close the door. But, let me assure you that I am not having fun without you. Confetti does not drop from the ceiling nor do balloons rise from the floor after the door shuts. There is no disco ball in the shower and dubstep does not begin to play from the vents. I am not having a party in there by myself.
The medicine cabinet is not filled with secret treats.
The only real thing of value in there are the pills that keep me from going homicidal when you act out. The bathroom is now off limits.

This brings me to the whole point of my letter to you.
No matter what you say, there will never ever be a good reason to jump in the toilet while I'm peeing in the middle of the night. Do not act as if you didn't know the toilet was open. I was using it you fool.
The light was on!
I mean really, how was last night different than any other night? We do not have a sudden infestation of poison snakes that you have to run from in mortal fear. There are no bear traps set to spring just laying around on the bathroom floor.
Somehow you convinced yourself, and I stress that you convinced yourself, that something terrifying was happening near or to you that you had to lunge into the air coming to rest half in the toilet.
Do you have any idea how scared I was when I saw you rocketing skyward?
There I was, holding a loaded gun of sorts and suddenly I'm trying to avoid you and stop at the same time. It really is a blessing that I am not a manual laborer with wicked calloused hands and a vice like grip. Oh, and if you think you don't like water, well just imagine my horror when I realized that suddenly there was toilet water in orbit, if only briefly, a few inches from my bare feet, after you landed half in the bowl.

The worst part wasn't when you splashed pee water on my feet though. The worst part was when you ran into the bedroom and jumped on my side of the bed, dripping wet.

Sampson, let me assure you that there will never ever be a time when doing laundry at 3:30 AM is acceptable. Giving you a bath at 3:37 AM is also right out! Screaming at the top of your lungs at 3:38 while I am washing you is also inappropriate. You didn't scream when you jumped in the toilet so I can't imagine why you would scream when you touch warm clean water in the tub.
You brought it on yourself you clown.

I have tolerated your midnight rooting around, opening drawers, pulling stuff out and not putting it back, crying in the living room like you are being killed for no reason, and insisting that you accompany me into every room of the house. I've truly done my best to put up with it all. I deserve a medal! But like I said, you are not allowed in the bathroom ever again.

Your feelings are hurt.
No doubt you feel slighted.
But imagine how I felt when my feet were suddenly awash with freezing toilet water in the middle of the night! People aren't prepared for that kind of event. In fact, that kind of event can make cats go missing if you catch my drift. So, I feel that my only recourse is to ban you from all future bathroom visits.

I love you. You are a very funny cat. You are a great cat actually but for your safety and my sanity I will enforce this new rule.

Now, please enjoy your breakfast. I have to change the load of laundry you created for me at o'dark-thirty this morning.
NO! I do not need help in the laundry room. In fact, that place is off limits too. Goodness knows what you could get tangled up with in there. Just stay in the kitchen and continue eating as if you are starving.

Thank you


  1. On my gosh this had me laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face. Love it!

    1. Thanks Sue! Tears on your face is a far better alternative than pee-water on my feet.

  2. I laughed so hard that my dog thought there was something wrong with me. You are a very talented writer--especially with losing sleep. Thank you.

    1. Thanks! We have seven cats and a crazy neighbor lady so I'm sure there will be many more stories to come. Join the site and you will have all of the updates.