"MA GAWD! MA GAWD! MY DUCKS N' KITTENS IS ON DA PORCH!"

I was burning some branches that came down in a past storm today. The Neighbor Lady noticed what I was doing and called over to me saying that it was too hot outside to stand near a fire. I walked over to her back yard to talk with her a bit.
This is what happened:

"You aren't kidding! Its got to be at least 90 degrees in the shade. I am almost done burning the branches and then I'm going to go in the house and see if I can get the air conditioning to work."

"OH MA GAWD! Yer air c'ndition'n ain't werkin? Gawd, I'd sweat ta death or kill sumbody or sumthin."

"Yeah it sucks when its really hot like this but I'm glad that I'm not using much electricity at least."

"Ya know wut Mike. I think yer place has problems in da wires. I think dey git to hawt an melt or sumthin. Seems I a'member it happnin' last summer too. The wires in the attic git hawt. But that don' make no sense cuz its the wires fer the AC an them shud be cold right?"
                                   

"Well, there is a certain kind of wire that has to be used for every kind of application so if its overheating then its more than just the wires most likely. I'll take a look at it."

"How ya gonna see sumthin up there if its hawt enuff ta burn up the wires? Ya might could git burnt up right with em."

"Um...I don't see any smoke or white hot flames belching out of my roof so I'm going to take it for granted that the attic isn't currently ablaze."

"Whut?"

"Um...It doesn't look like its on fire."

"Whut don't?"

"Ahhh....ummmm......if the roof was burning I'd probably notice it from here. I mean I can see most of it and it doesn't look like its on fire."

"Mike wut da hell are you talkin bout yer roof burnin up fer? Da wires is in da attic. Ya don' go in from yer roof ta git in yer attic do ya?"

"Seriously? You can't.......I mean......COME ON NOW!....DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING about household wiring, physics, thermodynamics, air conditioning? Any of that stuff? Seriously? Cause if you do then I need to know right now that you do so I don't say something mean."

"Whut?"

"If your attic started on fire, wouldn't your roof catch on fire?"

"Well not da outside part wudn't till it burn'd itself threw ta dat side."

"But you agree that at some point a fire, left unchecked, would ultimately engulf the entire roof right?"

"Well unless'n ya went ta put it out it'll burn everythin' up yeah."

"LOOK AT MY ROOF. IS IT BURNING?"

"Well I can't tell frum here Mike. But if ya check out yer attic it might could be."

I paused, set my jaw, took a calm breath in through my nose and decided that calling her the village idiot to her face would likely cause friction between us. So, I opted for a more subtle approach. I wrinkled up my face, sniffed the air and looked all around with wide eyes and said,

"Do you smell smoke? Holy crap! I smell smoke! OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR YARD! ITS ALL SMOKEY! IS YOUR PORCH ON FIRE?!?!?!"

"MA GAWD! MA GAWD! MY DUCKS N' KITTENS IS ON DA PORCH!"

At that point she ran off toward the front of the house calling for her husband. I took the opportunity to walk back over to my yard and stir up the fire...that was making the smoke....that we were both looking at.....the entire time.

A fluttering/buzzing/carapace-spinning-upside-down-on-the-linoleum sound

I walked into the kitchen around midnight and saw our two biggest cats and the smallest dog staring at something by the kitchen island, between the island and stove. I figured it was a different pet. But then whatever it was made a fluttering/buzzing/carapace-spinning-upside-down-on-the-linoleum sound AND ALL THREE ANIMALS BACKED UP! Well, I didn't even bother looking. I turned and quickly walked back to the bedroom and it buzzed again! LOUD! So I half trotted down the hall and was going to close the bedroom door but I had to wait for TWO CATS AND A DOG, who were hot on heels, to get in the room. I had barely closed the door and threw a pair of pants in front of it when I looked up and all three were laying on my side of the bed looking at me like, "We are not moving. You had to move to the south. Well guess what? This one's all you bro. It's midnight, we're tired, and that thing is big as hell. Handle it!"

So I just slid them over and tried to go to sleep like it never happened.

In the morning......Dawn will stand right where the demon was and make her coffee.
If she calls for me I will come running all brave, because its daylight, with pants and boots on, with a hammer, and a bible, and I will save the day.

The bugs here in North Carolina...

The bugs here in North Carolina are so big that they have shadows. No one reminded us of this fact before we moved. I've watched the cats wait for backup before attempting to take these things down.

"Well, his @#$hole's pink an it itches."

Our rabbits found a way out of their enclosure. So, I walked over to talk with The Neighbor Lady about it. As I approached the house her 2 year old son saw me and started walking towards me. 
This is what happened next:

"CONNER GIT BACK HERE RITE NAOW! Mike don't let him touch you! He's got sometin' an you might-could catch it!"

I stopped in my tracks and took two large steps back. "Conner go back to your mom. Back...BACK....What the heck is wrong with him? What's he got?"

"Well, his @#$hole's pink an it itches. Its all wattery and he keeps rubbing it. But how ya s'posed ta keep a baby from rubbin it? He don' listen. He jus keep on messin wit it."

"Well, take him to a doctor woman! His insides are probably a total wreck right now. My goodness! How does this not alarm you? Is it just clear fluid? I mean do you see feces or is it just clear fluid?"

"Mike, how in da hell is feces gonna come out'a his damn eye? GAWD! He'd prolly be dead if that could happen!"

At that point I realized that she said, "His EYE'S ALL pink and it itches." But since she talks like she has marbles in her mouth it sounded different to me. So I explained my misunderstanding and we both had a good laugh. 


Afterwards I went home and told Dawn about it. We laughed and then she told me that one of her students said the exact same thing to her but even after repeating himself three or four times she still couldn't understand him. So, she stood there wide eyed and confused and just told the kid to go see the nurse. It was later when she heard some other students talking about it that she finally figured it out. Turns out the kid has a terrible case of pink eye because the school won't let him return without a doctors blessing.

So, pink eye is going around now and not some strange disease that makes ones bottom itch, turn red, leak fluid and compel 2 year old's to keep messing with it. For a moment I was ready to pack up Dawn and the pets and avoid populated areas. I don't know how a zombie apocalypse would start but for a moment I thought anything was possible.

OH, and the rabbits came back on their own.

I'm tick bit, itchy, twitching at the slightest movement or touch and scolded like a little kid.

North Carolina is COVERED in wood ticks! It's total torture. Every time I feel something I'm looking for a tick. Been bit no less that 5 times in the past week. So today I was staring long and hard at the cats flea and tick repellent. Dawn saw me looking at it and said, "Mike, don't! DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT spray that on yourself. In fact, give me the bottle before I have to call poison control.....There, now go outside and talk to The Neighbor Lady."

"Fine! I bet she has some tick spray I can have!"

Before I even made it across the yard The Neighbor Lady was calling out to me, "Go home Mike. Dawn jus called an said you aint s'posed ta have tick spray. She said ya s'posed ta git home a'fore she gits mad."


So now I'm tick bit, itchy, twitching at the slightest movement or touch and scolded like a little kid. I think there will be a bottle of Deep Woods OFF in my immediate future.