The Choking Curse

Dawn and I went for a walk today. But, before we made it to the end of the driveway The Neighbor Lady called out to us. This is what happened.

"Hey Mike!"

I pretended that I didn't hear her. I wasn't being mean, I just didn't want to deal with any foolishness.

"MIKE! MIKE COME HERE!" She sounded kinda forceful. Demanding even.

We walked closer to her and I said, "Oh hey. How ya be...." she cut me off.

"DID YOU TAKE OUR KITTEN?"

"Hell no! You... NO!" I wanted to kick her in the leg.

She has 4 cats and 19 kittens. All of them live outside, are covered with fleas and ticks from tip to tail and are fed dog food. Even the kittens get dog food. Big honkin' pieces of dog food. P.E.T.A. would eat this woman alive.

"Which one's missing?" Dawn asked.

"The gray and white one. Did you guys take him?"

Dawn could sense my anger but didn't stop me, "Holy crap woman! You accuse us of a whole lot of things don't you? When we moved in you thought we were drug dealers because we don't use our porch light. Then you and your mom saw us doing yoga outside and thought we were worshiping Satan. Those are some really twisted thoughts.  Oh, and Kevin thinks our car looks like a hearse. Its a friggen Volvo. It isn't even a wagon, its a sedan. Have you ever seen a Volvo? No don't answer me. It doesn't matter. Now you seriously think we took your kitten?"

I felt like putting the choking curse on her. You know, it's the curse where you wish someone will randomly choke on stuff just to the point where they turn blue and cough it up. Then they cry as snot runs out their nose and they tell everyone how they almost died. That's the choking curse. It's powerful. She's lucky I haven't used it... yet.

The Neighbor Lady continued, "Well it's jus that yesterday the gray and white one was all wet like sumwun had give him a bath. He smelled like shampoo. I checked his ears an all the gunk was cleaned out 'em. He didn' have fleas or nuthin! I'm pissed! No one should be touchin on ma cats!"

"So someone probably saw how filthy he was and felt sorry for him. Maybe if you took care of your animals then other people wouldn't have to do it for you."

"Well they ain't got no rite! I think they might'a put flea drops on him too."
                                             

"Seriously? You mean they actually took the time to clean him and take care of him? That's awful! If I were you I'd shoot whoever did it. Shoot em right in the ass. No one has the right to be kind to your animals!"

"What? Why you talkin' bout shootin' people?"

"Wow......OK, you said you can't find him. But he was here yesterday and someone gave him a bath. Which one was it? You said gray and white. Now that could be any of a handful of kittens. Does it have a name and do you seriously think we would take your non vaccinated, flea ridden, underfed filthy animals in our house?"

"No, I don't think ya'll took him..... But it's just he's missin' an my mom drove over one of the kittens yesterday and there's three other ones gone now too."

"Oh my god I'm gonna smash you......You ran over a kitten......is it OK?"

"Nope, it died right away. I threw it over in the neighbors yard so we wouldn' have ta look at it. See it over there? Kevin is gonna bury it tomorrow."

"YOU HIT IT YESTERDAY? Now you want to wait three days to bury it? Are you hoping for a resurrection? Where is it?"

She pointed again, "Right there."


I started to walk toward it but Dawn stopped me. "Mike don't go over there. You don't want to see it. It's not worth it."




I was about to go supernova. 

"Tell us which one is missing." Dawn said.

"Chunky. He's the nicest of em all. He's the one who goes in yer yard an plays with Mike all da time."

I interrupted, "Well we don't have him.... You sat there last night dreaming up a fantasy in which we washed him and then stole him didn't you?"

"N..."

"YES YOU DID!"

"No I..."

"And then you sat around stewing over it until you saw us today. I was born at night woman but I wasn't born last night. You came out of your house and blasted off at us about it because you think you can get away with it. Well you are wrong. It stops now. You are offensive and impolite."

"No Mike, I jus was thinkin'....."

"Dawn, I'm ready for a walk. Lets get going before I say something foolish."

I turned and walked to the end of the driveway. Meanwhile, The Neighbor Lady explained to Dawn how the kitten was hit, how Chunky came home all wet and clean, and why she thought that maybe we washed him because he always goes to our house to play with me. Then she explained that she hadn't seen him or three other kittens all day.
Evidently the stress was more than she could handle. She apologized to Dawn but was a little offended by some of the things I had said.

Dawn didn't apologize for me. She just kept the focus on the kittens and said we would keep an eye out for Chunky.

Dawn is an amazing wife. Most women would apologize for their husbands in a situation like that. But, not Dawn. She never emasculates me by offering apologies where they aren't intended. Sure, she may smooth things over or look for a peaceful resolution, that's natural. But she never puts words in my mouth. If more people cared for each other the way Dawn cares for me then I'm sure there would be more happy couples in the world.

She caught up with me at the end of the driveway. "Mike. You could have told her that we washed Chunky." 

"Well, yeah.....but......Honey, she accused us of stealing her cat. That accusation needed to be dealt with."

"Don't you think it could have been solved by telling her everything right away?"

"Yes, I agree with you. Everything would have been solved. But Honey, I can't let her talk like that to us anymore."

"Yes you can." She was obviously using her Jedi powers. The force is strong in that one.

"Well....uh......I....grrr..... OK. Yes I can." My midichlorian count isn't quite as high as hers.

"Remember what you told Vincent? We have to help them, not get angry at them."

I laughed, "Actually I think I said something like we have to help those idiots."

"Not cool Mike. Idiot shouldn't be part of Vincent's every day vocabulary."

"Dawn, I love you. But this isn't about Vincent. Its about that idiot woman saying offensive things. We  gave Chunky a bath because he was covered with vermin. You know how soft my heart is when it comes to animals so lets not get all "Jedi mind tricks" on me right now. I'm not as Zen as you. In fact, me and Zen are lucky to be on a first name basis."

We walked quietly for a while holding hands. Its nice to be part of a team, to know that the one you love supports you and always has your best interests in mind.


I was smiling inside and out, thinking about Dawn and our life, when she glanced at me with a little spark in her eye and said, "The Neighbor Lady's a jerk isn't she?" We smiled. Then I wrapped her in my arms, gave her a big kiss, and grinned like a school boy. 


We spent the rest of our walk trying to figuring out sneaky ways to wash the rest of The Neighbor Ladies kittens.

I'm sure the whole neighborhood could hear us belly laughing.

Crowell's Manor and Meatballs

Dawn and I went to look at a potential new place to live today. Crowell's Manor. It's old and creepy and we love it. Built in the 1860's its the kind of place that makes you wonder what it would be like inside during a thunderstorm. I can just imagine sheets of rain pouring across the tall windows, distorting the lightening and breathing long shadows into the rooms.

Interestingly enough, the last tenants moved after three months claiming the house was haunted. That doesn't surprise me in the least. Not because the house looks creepy or is old, but because people here are superstitious, super religious, and all kinds of adjectives that may or may not end with  -ious. Every other mile there is a church or a historic site or a historic church. It would be strange if people didn't think Crowell's Manor was haunted.
 `
Something in the back of our minds wants houses to be haunted, graveyards to have strange mists, or curvy country roads to have tragic car accidents with dead teenage lovers stacked up like cord wood in the ditches. You know the kind, they come back from the dead and thumb a ride in the middle of a rainy night just to terrify some unsuspecting traveler. Our minds need those things. No matter the reason, there seem to be ghosts everywhere. Evidently Crowell's Manor has one or more of its own.

Crowell's Manor

I've lived in a haunted house. Well, one apartment and then a house. Whatever it was decided it wasn't done with us yet and just tagged along from place to place. After a while it gave up and everything went back to normal. That was before I met Dawn. Dawn doesn't believe in ghosts or spooks so she isn't worried. I keep telling her that its fine if she doesn't believe in the supernatural because the supernatural believes in her. Each time I make that comment I'm sure that I loose a few cool points but its really true.

While  we were walking through the house I did my best to leave Dawn alone and give her some time to soak in the creepy all by herself. Every once in a while we would pass each other and I'd say, "Well, what are your thoughts?" And each time she would say something like, "Wow, this place would really let us get off the grid if we wanted to. I love those fire places." or "How much wood do you think we would burn if we wanted to heat the house with just the fire places like in the old days." It was obvious that nothing spooked her.

Not even the kitchen.

When I walked in the kitchen I got this spooky feeling. It was actually a spooky feeling that went from spooky to freaky in about two seconds. Sure it could have been my imagination getting the best of me. But why take chances? I left the room and didn't go back. I wanted Dawn to go in and tell me what she felt. So I asked her, "Have you been through the kitchen?"

Her eyes got wide, "Oh my god don't go in there!" she said. I just knew that something scared her. I was giddy! She felt the same thing I did. But I had to play it off.

"Why can't I go in there?" I said while taking a few steps towards the kitchen doorway.

"Mike I'm serious! Don't!"

I stepped into the kitchen, got halfway across the floor and then it hit me. A stink like dead meat, rotten, rancid and reeking. I gagged, puked in my mouth a little bit and ran out of the room.

"See! I told you not to go in there. The fridge was left closed and they didn't wipe it out. I opened it and let all the stink loose. I warned you."

Now, my first thought upon smelling the stink was, "Holy crap! This place has a demonic infestation!" But Dawns rational explanation quickly assuaged my fears.  I didn't tell her that in the process she dashed my haunted house fantasy to tiny pieces against the stalwart rocks of reality. She's good like that. It keeps me in line. On the straight and narrow so to speak.

Crowell's Manor is empty, has been for a few months and the yard is overgrown and loaded with wood ticks. The inside is remarkably bug free. We were told that the house was sealed in 2006, whatever that means. But, the ticks outside are TERRIBLE! I had two on me and one in me by the time we got back from checking the place out. If I don't die from Lymes Disease, Hanta, Dengue Fever, SARS, or the Ching-Chang Flu I will be shocked. I have bug bites in places I didn't know were places. At least I'll have a wicked strong immune system!

When we arrived home, Dawn gave me strict orders to march into the shower and prepare for a "tick inspection". Normally I get kinda excited about taking off my clothes for her. But, the look on her face after she saw me pull a tick out of my neck let me know that the inspection was going to be completely utilitarian in nature. "Oh well, the night is young." I thought.

After my inspection I was able to convince Dawn to join me for a shower. Woot!
Just about the time we got the water temp right we heard someone knocking. Not woot!
I grabbed a towel, wrapped myself and went to the door.

Is it the Melaleuca delivery? No, its too late for a delivery.

Jehovah's? No.

The Neighbor Lady? Yep.

She had her husband and child with her.

I was so friggen curious about what they could possibly want that I took the chance and  cracked the door open a little bit and said, "Taking shower. Soaking wet. Tracking water. All over house."

"Oh yeah we heard the shower running. We brought you some food. Here." In her husbands outstretched hands was a casserole dish filled with small tan balls of something. I got excited! The Neighbor Lady is an excellent cook.

"Cool! What is it?" I stuck my arm out the door and grabbed the dish. It was heavy and sort of smelled like meat.

"Its Italian meatballs! They're really good!"
                                            

I looked at the little balls and thought that they didn't look like any kind of meat I've ever seen but I wasn't in a position to argue. I had already tracked a deluge of water into the front room and just wanted to get back in the warm shower.

"Ok, well I'm freezing. I'd love to have you in but my wife is neked in the shower and I'm honestly not thinking about food at the moment. We'll be over to hang out for a while later this evening." I didn't wait to shut the door. I just closed it and set the "Meatballs" down.

"Was that The Neighbor Lady?" Dawn asked.

"Yep, gave me a dish of what she said was meatballs."

"What she SAID was meatballs, why do you not sound sure about that statement Mike?"

"Well, they don't look like the're made of meat at all. They actually look like angry, breaded, dried farts." I smiled and stepped into the shower.

"BWAHAHAHAH! Dump them out right now! I don't want the cats getting into them and getting sick."

"Seriously? You want me to dump out two pounds of whatever it is without even trying it first?"

"Holy crap Mike you just called them "Angry dried farts," would you really eat them? Go dump them out right now so the cats don't get into 'em!"

"Dang, woman! Can't you see I'm standing in the shower with you? Now let me rinse my hair before I get soap in somebody's eyes."

No one got soap in their eyes. I got a peck on the cheek as she jumped out of the shower then heard her laughing when she found the casserole dish. Next came a bit of silence, followed by a spitting sound, and then, "EWWW!" as the lid clanked back down on the dish.

"How in the hell did they get these to taste like breakfast sausages? They don't even look like meat!"

When I got out of the shower I didn't bother asking her where they went. At least she made sure the cats didn't get them.

Later we visited the neighbors and realized that The Neighbor Lady didn't make them. Her husband and 2 year old son made them.....for her.....but she didn't like them.

I wonder why?

"I'm gonna huck a wrench at-cha!"

I helped Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband, change the oil on his father in laws truck yesterday. The Neighbor Lady sat on the front porch IN A RATTY OLD NIGHTGOWN and told us what to do the entire time. Here are a few highlights.

"MIKE! OH MA GAWD KEVIN! MIKE HE'S GONNA KILL HIS SELF! DON'T LET HIM DRIVE ON THEM RAMPS. KEVIN LET MIKE DO IT! OH MA GAWD!"

All we were doing is attempting to drive the little Ford Ranger onto a set of 10 inch high ramps. We weren't trying to jump the shed. We weren't getting a running start so as to get the truck into the air. We simply placed the ramps against the wheels.


"Kevin just ignore her. Lets get this sucker up on the ramps. Its hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock out here. At least there will be shade under the truck."

"WHUT!?!? MIKE NO!" She actually hollers loud enough for it to carry across the neighborhood. Her voice cracks each time she bellows out an "Oh ma gawd", or a "Kevin", or a "Mike".

"Woman what is wrong? Is this the first time you watched someone changing oil? You got to quit hollering at us. Kevin, you got it, there ya go, a few more inches, there, stop."

The truck was safely on the top of the ramps.

"Huny, please let me an him do this. Its hawt and we about ta git covered in grease. Ya got ta stop givin us hell. Why-un-cha-git us sumthin ta drink?"

That bought us a few minutes of peace.
Until....
The oil filter wouldn't break free. We tried everything. Force, prayer, cursing, more force, it just wouldn't budge. So I climbed in the engine compartment to get a better angle. Kevin was under the truck.

"OOOOOOHHHH! MIKE! WUT'S HAPPENIN?? IS KEVIN STUCK? KEVIN ARE YOU STUCK?"

From under the truck came a litany of curses and rebukes that ended with, ".....an if ya don' git yer ass in the house I'm gonna huck a wrench at-cha!"


All I could do was turn and look at her and say, "YEAH!.... WHAT HE SAID!"

So she went inside.....and sent her mother out to bother us instead. Needless to say the foolishness continued until we finished.

Now, the take home message here is just let men do what we need to do once in a while. We might break something or someone, set something alight, dent, scratch, or destroy something from time to time. But you can guarantee that it won't happen a second time. See ladies, men have a different learning style when we are in groups of two or more. And sometimes we actually know what's going on. So just look away when you get scared and give us credit for what we can do right when the job is finished.

"We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming."

Was outside in the yard today. The Neighbor Lady saw me.... What happened next was three months in the making.

"Mike, how come you ain't werkin?"

"Oh, the back end of the website is down and the boss seems to think he's a crack programmer, but all he uses is Access. So now he's got everything so knotted up that its gonna take Bill Gates and a team of wild white horses to fix everything he did wrong. I don't really mind though because when something is wrong he takes the opportunity to show me a few things. But, that's a little like only showing me the end of the movie. Most of the time I think I get whats going on but I don't really know how in the heck we got there in the first place."

"Wha...huh?"

"Computers broke. Can't work."

"Oh.........Why don't you get a job that doesn't need computers? See, that's why me an Kevin got job security. He drives a tow truck and I'm in nursing. Don't need computers for any of that."

"Well, that's a great point! But I like to work with computers and all that fancy stuff."

"Well what will you do if there is ever no power? Like if a sunspot gits us? How you gonna stay alive an feed yer family?"
                                   

"Oh don't worry about me. I was in the Army. They taught me how to kill and which parts of a person are good to eat. I'm not worried."

"Really?"

"Yep.... In fact there are certain parts of a person that are poisonous and will kill you in a flash if you eat them."

"Good lord! That's terrible."

"I know right?"

......Long pause........

"Whut parts?"

"Holy crap, you think I'm going to tell you? I don't want you trying to eat me some day! In fact we take an oath when we enlist that we won't give out certain information."

"Well.......what about the rest of us? So only Army people git to know these things? That ain't fair!"

"Don't worry. We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming. Totally painless."

"OH MA GAWD MIKE THATS TERRIBLE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!....MIKE.......NO MIKE.....MY DADS GONNA FREAK OUT WHEN HE HEARS THIS! OH MA GAWD! MIKE NO!...(blah blah blah words words words, no mike no blah blah)"

I stood there stoic and stared into her glassy blue eyes, then turned and walked back to my house. I paused just long enough to glance over my shoulder and smile a big Cheshire grin at her before closing the door behind me.

The next time the power goes out I'm going to stand in my front yard with a cooler, some rope, a bucket, and my Wal-Mart machete..............wearing rain gear even if its not raining..........and stare.

"Them bobcats is dangerous."

Stewie

I walked over to show The Neighbor Lady our new kitten. This is what happened.

"OH MA GAWD!!!! OH MA GAWD KEVIN! KEVIN! GIT OUT HERE!!! Wut's his name? Oh ma gawd he's cute!"

"His name is Stewie, Dawn named him. But I wanted to name him Geppetto. He's part bobcat."

"Oh gawd he's gonna claw you up! Put him down Mike he's wild and he could have the rabies. Ask my mom, them bobcats is dangerous. Wun of em kilt two of our cats a while back. Them neighbors right there, the preachers, they had a half bobcat and it wus meeeeeeean. We even told em it wus mean and they still let it kill our cats."
                                 

"Well I'm sure we don't have anything to worry about with this little guy. We are taking really good care of him and besides, he's only part bobcat. If he gets out of hand then we will just keep him in the house."

"KEVIN! QUIT MESSIN WIT DEM DUCKS! MIKE'S GOT A BOBCAT!"

"Actually its more domestic cat than bobcat. If you are going to get racial about it then at least lets be accurate."

"Racist? Why the hell is a cat gonna be racist? You mean cuz them neighbors is black that they had a mean cat? Mike it was a bobcat plain and simple. They is meeeean. KEVIN! GIT UP HERE AND LOOK AT THIS BOBCAT MIKES GOT!!"

"No......you....um....." I just looked at her glassy blue eyes and fought back the urge to thump her in between them with something heavy.

"What the hell are you talking about? I said the cat was more domestic than it was bobcat but you are hellbent on calling it a bobcat. So I said.....just forget it. Forget I said a word."

At that point Kevin came out from behind the house and I had to hear the entire story of their dead cats and the half bobcat that the preacher neighbors had years ago. I am sure that they didn't notice me standing there slack jawed and looking like a zombie while they both prattled on about how dangerous and evil bobcats are.

"Well, I'm going to take this little guy back to the house and see if he wants to kill something. Its a shame because he's a really good kitten and I think that if we just kept taking good care of him that he'd be fine."

"OH MA GAWD MIKE DON'T! He might be real nice! He's just a kitten Mike. You don' know if he's gonna be mean so don' try to make him mean."

"Yeah but you just said that all bobcats are meeeeeeeeeean. I figure if this one isn't yet then I should get to work on him right?"

"MIKE DON' DO ANYTHIN TO THAT KITTEN!" Kevin, tell him to be nice to it."

"Mike, she's right, it could be a nice cat. It's only part bobcat right? So it'll prolly be ok."

"Um...ok....but...You do realize that no less than a minute ago you both told me that all bobcats are mean, have rabies and kill other cats and to get rid of this one. Now I'm not stupid. I didn't make that up. That just happened."

"Well DUH! We know that."

"OK. Soooooooo do you have anything to add before I take the kitten to the pound? I don't want a dangerous cat in my house that probably has rabies right?"

"Oh Mike we will keep it if you don' wan him. He's cute. Kevin an me are gittin rid of the other kittens we got in a few weeks. We would luv ta have a bobcat kitten."

"Seriously? You.....why........Seriously!?!?! You have confused the heck out of me. I have never in my life been as confused as I am right now. I am going to go home with my bobcat and try to figure out what just happened. Talk to ya later."

"Mike you still want ta have them grilled steaks tonight right?"

"Yep, what time should Dawn and I come over?"

"Well ya can come over any time but if yer confused then maybe take a nap and come over when ya feel better."

I walked home with my bobcat kitten and tried to make sense of what had happened. Later Dawn came home and we went back to The Neighbor Ladies house for dinner. What a treat it was. 

"Yer a cross breed right?"

Over the past few weekends our neighbors have invited us to their place for dinner. At first I was scared. Like actually fearful of what would be served and would it jeopardize my health? But I figure heck, I was in the army, I used to blow stuff up, I've been sick near to death, almost killed myself doing stupid crap, how bad could dinner at the neighbors be? My fears were delightfully baseless as The Neighbor Lady is an amazing cook. She may be the village idiot but she does whip up some mean vittles.
Anyway....We always sit outside and we always have lots of conversation late into the evening. Here is one of those conversations.

"Mike, can I ask you sumthin' an you promise not ta take offense?"

"Wha....haha.....really? I think your internal filter just caught something that needed catching and it should probably stay that way."

"Huh?"

"Go ahead, ask me whatever you want. It's ok."

"Oh, ok, are you mixed?"

"What!? What the hell is mixed?"

"Like are you mixed with sumthin cause yer skin is dark and you look like you could have one big eyebrow."

"Bwahahaha!!!! What the hell are you talking about?!?!?"

"Yer a cross breed right? Like yer ma and pa is differnt."

I sat there looking into her glassy blue eyes, searching for even a faint glimmer of something that smacked of racism but only saw confusion and a family tree with no branches. I let a big smile play across my face and leaned back in my chair.

"Oh you want to know what nationality I am."

"Uh, you were born here right. In Wisconsin right? So yer nation is America. But are you mixed breed?"

"Good lord if you say that one more time it might be the end of you. NO DO NOT SPEAK. I promise if you speak you will likely make it worse. My mother is of German decent and my father is of Hispanic and Native American decent. Does that explain the dark skin and I do not have one eyebrow. I wax my eyebrows from time to time to keep that shit under control."

"Oh I knew it. I knew you was mixed with somethin I told Kevin the first day you moved in, "That man ain't white. I hope we don't have ta worry bout them. Looks like he married a white woman though so he could be ok or she jus likes mixed guys."

At that point I muttered this little saying my mother taught me under my breath, "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." It helped considerably and I did not hospitalize either of them.

Then she looked off across the yard during the awkward silence and said,

"No, its just good that you a nice guy. In fact my dad said you are the nicest mixed neighbors we ever had. Now I can tell him we ain't got to worry bout nothin. He's gonna laugh at you when I tell him bout yer eyebrow wax. Actually I won't tell him that cuz then he will think you are one of those mega-sex-u-als."

"Metro-sexual. The term is Metro-sexual. You'd better quit while you are ahead cause you are on a slippery slope and you got some shitty balance."
                                    

"Well my dad saw that movie Brokeback Mountain so theres no tellin who's who anymore so I won't tell him about your eyebrow."

"Eyebrows, I have two eyebrows."

"Yeah well they look like they could touch if you don keep at em."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh can you hear that? Thats the sound of me loosing my patience! Lets change the subject."