"We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming."

Was outside in the yard today. The Neighbor Lady saw me.... What happened next was three months in the making.

"Mike, how come you ain't werkin?"

"Oh, the back end of the website is down and the boss seems to think he's a crack programmer, but all he uses is Access. So now he's got everything so knotted up that its gonna take Bill Gates and a team of wild white horses to fix everything he did wrong. I don't really mind though because when something is wrong he takes the opportunity to show me a few things. But, that's a little like only showing me the end of the movie. Most of the time I think I get whats going on but I don't really know how in the heck we got there in the first place."

"Wha...huh?"

"Computers broke. Can't work."

"Oh.........Why don't you get a job that doesn't need computers? See, that's why me an Kevin got job security. He drives a tow truck and I'm in nursing. Don't need computers for any of that."

"Well, that's a great point! But I like to work with computers and all that fancy stuff."

"Well what will you do if there is ever no power? Like if a sunspot gits us? How you gonna stay alive an feed yer family?"
                                   

"Oh don't worry about me. I was in the Army. They taught me how to kill and which parts of a person are good to eat. I'm not worried."

"Really?"

"Yep.... In fact there are certain parts of a person that are poisonous and will kill you in a flash if you eat them."

"Good lord! That's terrible."

"I know right?"

......Long pause........

"Whut parts?"

"Holy crap, you think I'm going to tell you? I don't want you trying to eat me some day! In fact we take an oath when we enlist that we won't give out certain information."

"Well.......what about the rest of us? So only Army people git to know these things? That ain't fair!"

"Don't worry. We know how to kill so you won't even see it coming. Totally painless."

"OH MA GAWD MIKE THATS TERRIBLE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!....MIKE.......NO MIKE.....MY DADS GONNA FREAK OUT WHEN HE HEARS THIS! OH MA GAWD! MIKE NO!...(blah blah blah words words words, no mike no blah blah)"

I stood there stoic and stared into her glassy blue eyes, then turned and walked back to my house. I paused just long enough to glance over my shoulder and smile a big Cheshire grin at her before closing the door behind me.

The next time the power goes out I'm going to stand in my front yard with a cooler, some rope, a bucket, and my Wal-Mart machete..............wearing rain gear even if its not raining..........and stare.

"Them bobcats is dangerous."

Stewie

I walked over to show The Neighbor Lady our new kitten. This is what happened.

"OH MA GAWD!!!! OH MA GAWD KEVIN! KEVIN! GIT OUT HERE!!! Wut's his name? Oh ma gawd he's cute!"

"His name is Stewie, Dawn named him. But I wanted to name him Geppetto. He's part bobcat."

"Oh gawd he's gonna claw you up! Put him down Mike he's wild and he could have the rabies. Ask my mom, them bobcats is dangerous. Wun of em kilt two of our cats a while back. Them neighbors right there, the preachers, they had a half bobcat and it wus meeeeeeean. We even told em it wus mean and they still let it kill our cats."
                                 

"Well I'm sure we don't have anything to worry about with this little guy. We are taking really good care of him and besides, he's only part bobcat. If he gets out of hand then we will just keep him in the house."

"KEVIN! QUIT MESSIN WIT DEM DUCKS! MIKE'S GOT A BOBCAT!"

"Actually its more domestic cat than bobcat. If you are going to get racial about it then at least lets be accurate."

"Racist? Why the hell is a cat gonna be racist? You mean cuz them neighbors is black that they had a mean cat? Mike it was a bobcat plain and simple. They is meeeean. KEVIN! GIT UP HERE AND LOOK AT THIS BOBCAT MIKES GOT!!"

"No......you....um....." I just looked at her glassy blue eyes and fought back the urge to thump her in between them with something heavy.

"What the hell are you talking about? I said the cat was more domestic than it was bobcat but you are hellbent on calling it a bobcat. So I said.....just forget it. Forget I said a word."

At that point Kevin came out from behind the house and I had to hear the entire story of their dead cats and the half bobcat that the preacher neighbors had years ago. I am sure that they didn't notice me standing there slack jawed and looking like a zombie while they both prattled on about how dangerous and evil bobcats are.

"Well, I'm going to take this little guy back to the house and see if he wants to kill something. Its a shame because he's a really good kitten and I think that if we just kept taking good care of him that he'd be fine."

"OH MA GAWD MIKE DON'T! He might be real nice! He's just a kitten Mike. You don' know if he's gonna be mean so don' try to make him mean."

"Yeah but you just said that all bobcats are meeeeeeeeeean. I figure if this one isn't yet then I should get to work on him right?"

"MIKE DON' DO ANYTHIN TO THAT KITTEN!" Kevin, tell him to be nice to it."

"Mike, she's right, it could be a nice cat. It's only part bobcat right? So it'll prolly be ok."

"Um...ok....but...You do realize that no less than a minute ago you both told me that all bobcats are mean, have rabies and kill other cats and to get rid of this one. Now I'm not stupid. I didn't make that up. That just happened."

"Well DUH! We know that."

"OK. Soooooooo do you have anything to add before I take the kitten to the pound? I don't want a dangerous cat in my house that probably has rabies right?"

"Oh Mike we will keep it if you don' wan him. He's cute. Kevin an me are gittin rid of the other kittens we got in a few weeks. We would luv ta have a bobcat kitten."

"Seriously? You.....why........Seriously!?!?! You have confused the heck out of me. I have never in my life been as confused as I am right now. I am going to go home with my bobcat and try to figure out what just happened. Talk to ya later."

"Mike you still want ta have them grilled steaks tonight right?"

"Yep, what time should Dawn and I come over?"

"Well ya can come over any time but if yer confused then maybe take a nap and come over when ya feel better."

I walked home with my bobcat kitten and tried to make sense of what had happened. Later Dawn came home and we went back to The Neighbor Ladies house for dinner. What a treat it was. 

"Yer a cross breed right?"

Over the past few weekends our neighbors have invited us to their place for dinner. At first I was scared. Like actually fearful of what would be served and would it jeopardize my health? But I figure heck, I was in the army, I used to blow stuff up, I've been sick near to death, almost killed myself doing stupid crap, how bad could dinner at the neighbors be? My fears were delightfully baseless as The Neighbor Lady is an amazing cook. She may be the village idiot but she does whip up some mean vittles.
Anyway....We always sit outside and we always have lots of conversation late into the evening. Here is one of those conversations.

"Mike, can I ask you sumthin' an you promise not ta take offense?"

"Wha....haha.....really? I think your internal filter just caught something that needed catching and it should probably stay that way."

"Huh?"

"Go ahead, ask me whatever you want. It's ok."

"Oh, ok, are you mixed?"

"What!? What the hell is mixed?"

"Like are you mixed with sumthin cause yer skin is dark and you look like you could have one big eyebrow."

"Bwahahaha!!!! What the hell are you talking about?!?!?"

"Yer a cross breed right? Like yer ma and pa is differnt."

I sat there looking into her glassy blue eyes, searching for even a faint glimmer of something that smacked of racism but only saw confusion and a family tree with no branches. I let a big smile play across my face and leaned back in my chair.

"Oh you want to know what nationality I am."

"Uh, you were born here right. In Wisconsin right? So yer nation is America. But are you mixed breed?"

"Good lord if you say that one more time it might be the end of you. NO DO NOT SPEAK. I promise if you speak you will likely make it worse. My mother is of German decent and my father is of Hispanic and Native American decent. Does that explain the dark skin and I do not have one eyebrow. I wax my eyebrows from time to time to keep that shit under control."

"Oh I knew it. I knew you was mixed with somethin I told Kevin the first day you moved in, "That man ain't white. I hope we don't have ta worry bout them. Looks like he married a white woman though so he could be ok or she jus likes mixed guys."

At that point I muttered this little saying my mother taught me under my breath, "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." It helped considerably and I did not hospitalize either of them.

Then she looked off across the yard during the awkward silence and said,

"No, its just good that you a nice guy. In fact my dad said you are the nicest mixed neighbors we ever had. Now I can tell him we ain't got to worry bout nothin. He's gonna laugh at you when I tell him bout yer eyebrow wax. Actually I won't tell him that cuz then he will think you are one of those mega-sex-u-als."

"Metro-sexual. The term is Metro-sexual. You'd better quit while you are ahead cause you are on a slippery slope and you got some shitty balance."
                                    

"Well my dad saw that movie Brokeback Mountain so theres no tellin who's who anymore so I won't tell him about your eyebrow."

"Eyebrows, I have two eyebrows."

"Yeah well they look like they could touch if you don keep at em."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh can you hear that? Thats the sound of me loosing my patience! Lets change the subject."