Dear Cats

Dear Cats,

Yes, I said cat's. That means all of you. I can not imagine that with all of the damage in the house last night that any of you are entirely innocent.

Let me run down the list of things that are absolutely out of line that you are all responsible for.

Why was Bobcat locked in the den? I shouldn't have to explain why its a bad idea close anyone off from access to the litter boxes. What if he had to take a dump? You are lucky he didn't make a mess in there! Actually, it was the sound of Bobcat crying that alerted us to the turmoil in the house in the first place. He sounds like a crippled tornado siren when he gets scared. Maybe that's why you keep doing it to him? I really don't know and I don't care. The next time I wake up to the sound of him or anyone else yeowling at 4:00 AM on a SATURDAY morning I'm gonna go supernova. 

Somebody might get sold to gypsies!

Guest bathroom toilet paper. Why is it half off of the roll, some in the toilet with remainder in the shower and hallway? It's toilet paper. It's not that serious.

Master bathroom toilet paper. Not only is it ALL off of the roll but someone decided to shred it into the smallest of bits. It was also dragged, in ragged chunks, down the hallway and into the Dr. Pepper puddle in the kitchen.

Ms. Mousey's cage. Why is it sideways on the table? Her wheel is broken! It goes, 'squee-clunk, squee-clunk, squee-clunk'. I know it still turns, but do you know what that sound does to my nervous system? She did not break that wheel by herself. The wheel is made of steel! Thankfully she is still alive and the cage was never breached. I don't know how you did it but its your fault.

Refrigerator door open with various items taken out and sampled. No need to elaborate. But know this, heads are gonna roll. People food is not cheap! Neither is electricity. The kitchen floor was freezing and the water bottles were sweaty! And whoever was chewing on the onion...you truly are a dummy.  There were open hot dogs one shelf up.

Brand new two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in middle of kitchen floor. It was sealed and safely on the counter when I went to bed. I found it completely open with all of the contents spilled onto the floor. My mind reels at how you thumbless cretins got the bottle open in the first place.

I still can't find the cap! 

Something tells me it was either a concerted effort by two or more of you or an act of God. And why is there an amazing amount of cat food in the puddle? You actually had to push piles of cat food  all the way around the kitchen island in order to get it in there. Were you rooting in it like pigs? Its been there for a while too because the pieces are all swollen with soda. The chicken-leg shaped pieces look like turkey legs now and the tiny fish look like carp. A mess like that belongs on the floor of some kind of freaky slaughter house. Not in the middle of my kitchen!

What happened to the cable TV remote control? It was chewed to smithereens and lying in the puddle of Dr. Pepper as well. Half the buttons can't be read anymore! How do you expect me to navigate my way through all the garbage programming on cable TV in order to find the nature shows everyone likes to watch? You know the ones with the lions and birds and stuff that you swat at? Yeah, how the heck am I supposed to find them if I have no idea what the buttons do anymore? NO, I'm not going to stumble through every menu and every permutation of buttons till I find the show you like. Not gonna happen. Now we can all sit and stare at the radio like they used to in the old days.
Oh, you don't know whats going on during the radio programs? Well, fix the remote! Oh, you don't have thumbs? Well how the hell did you get the soda bottle open?

Cat food. Someone is going to confess to this. Who opened the cupboard and chewed through the cat food bag? The one next to it was open you clowns! All you had to do was look and you would have noticed it. Never mind that their was still food in your bowls when Bobcat woke us up!

God does not drink soda so quit blaming the Dr. Pepper thing on him.

Why was Milton loose? Who helped him open his cage? Why would you want him loose in the first place? All he does is hump you when he's loose. He is a rabbit. He humps anything that moves! The only one who seems to enjoy that is Bobcat and he was locked in the den so we know he didn't do it. 

Far be it from us to save you from Milton's affections any more. 

You asked for it! 

You got it! 

Normally we supervise his out of cage time so no one gets humped. But, from now on, whenever Milton is loose, he gets to wander around the house and stalk anyone he likes. Don't cry if he gets you either! I know it hurts. Just go somewhere and walk it off.

Sincerely,

Dad

Hurricane Sandy Update 2:19 AM Eastern, 10/29/2012

Sandy missed us!
Unfortunately she will not miss our neighbors to the north.
I hope no one is hurt but storms the size of Sandy are bound to cause trouble!

Hurricane Sandy Update 4:15 PM Eastern, 10/28/2012

Just got back from Walmart. The place is packed! Bread almost gone, bottled water almost gone, nearly every cart I saw had candles, bread, water, and other emergency style goods in them.
The people were very calm, almost looked like cows wandering around in a field before a thunderstorm. Maybe that's how it is around here. If there was a foot of snow on the way all I would do is buy a shovel and back my car into the driveway. They, on the other hand would loose their minds and prepare for the end of the world.
I guess the difference comes in when I consider that a foot of snow doesn't cause billions of dollars worth of damage and force tens of thousands of people to evacuate their homes.

Outside the wind has picked up and the sky is much darker than it was this morning. Everything has a silver gray cast to it. The Neighbor Lady said they were going to stay in a hotel for the next few days because they are afraid of loosing power.

"Where is the hotel going to get power if the grid is down?" I asked.

"Mike, power don't come off'a grid. It comes out'a power lines. The hotel's got its own power. That's why we go there."

"Oh you mean they have a generator. Well, lets hope it doesn't break down. I know if I was without power that I'd want to be safe and sound right at home. It's better to be home so you can protect your stuff if people try to break in. But if you want to leave your stuff to the mercy of vandals and scavengers then far be it from me to stop you."

"MIKE! Why you gotta talk like that? Who's gonna come an steal our stuff? Ain't no one gonna come an do nuthin cause why they wanna go in our place anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know." I replied. "Maybe they will notice a 5,000 square foot house and think there might be something of value in it. I'm glad my place isn't as big as yours. But I'll be home to protect my stuff anyway so it won't matter."

At that point I made an excuse to run back to my place. But, before I left The Neighbor Lady begged me to protect her house as well.

"I'll talk to Dawn about it. Maybe we can watch both places. But are you willing to compensate us for helping you? I mean, that's a lot of responsibility for us."

She cocked her head to the side and got a foggy look on her face. Suddenly she smiled from ear to ear and said, "We have a gift certificate for a two nights stay at the Hilton! If we give you that then you can stay where there is power with us. Will that be OK?"

"Sure! And then if we loose power we can just go to the hotel together! Do they have a pool?"

"Oh, Mike! Its got a pool an a game room an everything! This is gonna be fun. I kinda hope we loose power now! I'ma call my mom and ask her where the gift certificate is. I'll bring it over when I find it OK?"

"Sounds good!" I said and walked back to my house.

I don't know if the change in barometer pressure is messing with The Neighbor Ladies head or if she is just that goofy. But hey, if I get a free hotel stay out of the deal then I'm not going to argue!

Dear Sampson

                                                                     Sampson

Dear Sampson,

When I rescued you from "the scary house" I had no idea that you were going to be such a funny cat. The dirty people who kept you in a box when you were a tiny kitten were wrong for trying to stifle your spirit. Don't get me wrong, I think they liked you in their own way but it wasn't the nicest way to show their affection. This leads me to a very important point.
I appreciate that you are a little "touched" from time to time and seem to be driven by forces and motives which I may never understand. In fact it may come as a shock to you when I say that I never truly understand your actions.
With that said I want to address the episode last night involving the toilet and my side of the bed. Don't look away and act like something caught your attention. You know what happened. You did it!

There will be a new rule effective immediately. You are no longer allowed in the bathroom when I am using it. I know you are tormented inside when I go in there and close the door. But, let me assure you that I am not having fun without you. Confetti does not drop from the ceiling nor do balloons rise from the floor after the door shuts. There is no disco ball in the shower and dubstep does not begin to play from the vents. I am not having a party in there by myself.
The medicine cabinet is not filled with secret treats.
The only real thing of value in there are the pills that keep me from going homicidal when you act out. The bathroom is now off limits.

This brings me to the whole point of my letter to you.
No matter what you say, there will never ever be a good reason to jump in the toilet while I'm peeing in the middle of the night. Do not act as if you didn't know the toilet was open. I was using it you fool.
The light was on!
I mean really, how was last night different than any other night? We do not have a sudden infestation of poison snakes that you have to run from in mortal fear. There are no bear traps set to spring just laying around on the bathroom floor.
Somehow you convinced yourself, and I stress that you convinced yourself, that something terrifying was happening near or to you that you had to lunge into the air coming to rest half in the toilet.
Do you have any idea how scared I was when I saw you rocketing skyward?
There I was, holding a loaded gun of sorts and suddenly I'm trying to avoid you and stop at the same time. It really is a blessing that I am not a manual laborer with wicked calloused hands and a vice like grip. Oh, and if you think you don't like water, well just imagine my horror when I realized that suddenly there was toilet water in orbit, if only briefly, a few inches from my bare feet, after you landed half in the bowl.

The worst part wasn't when you splashed pee water on my feet though. The worst part was when you ran into the bedroom and jumped on my side of the bed, dripping wet.

Sampson, let me assure you that there will never ever be a time when doing laundry at 3:30 AM is acceptable. Giving you a bath at 3:37 AM is also right out! Screaming at the top of your lungs at 3:38 while I am washing you is also inappropriate. You didn't scream when you jumped in the toilet so I can't imagine why you would scream when you touch warm clean water in the tub.
You brought it on yourself you clown.

I have tolerated your midnight rooting around, opening drawers, pulling stuff out and not putting it back, crying in the living room like you are being killed for no reason, and insisting that you accompany me into every room of the house. I've truly done my best to put up with it all. I deserve a medal! But like I said, you are not allowed in the bathroom ever again.

Your feelings are hurt.
No doubt you feel slighted.
But imagine how I felt when my feet were suddenly awash with freezing toilet water in the middle of the night! People aren't prepared for that kind of event. In fact, that kind of event can make cats go missing if you catch my drift. So, I feel that my only recourse is to ban you from all future bathroom visits.

I love you. You are a very funny cat. You are a great cat actually but for your safety and my sanity I will enforce this new rule.

Now, please enjoy your breakfast. I have to change the load of laundry you created for me at o'dark-thirty this morning.
NO! I do not need help in the laundry room. In fact, that place is off limits too. Goodness knows what you could get tangled up with in there. Just stay in the kitchen and continue eating as if you are starving.

Thank you
Dad

Hurricane Sandy, 3:45 AM Eastern 10/28/2012

Well, I decided to keep a journal of the events where I live and those here on the "right coast" as hurricane Sandy makes her way toward us. My sincere hope is that I will have the most boring things to report. Unfortunately I don't think that will be the case. The weatherman has some bleak things to say lately. They are known to be wrong from time to time but something tells me that the size of this storm is going to do a hell of a lot more than what I'm used to in Wisconsin. I think Sandy will make me long for "lake effect" snow instead of the trouble she seems to be brewing up for us.

I stepped outside to see what the weather was like a few minutes ago and its WINDY. It was a gust of wind that woke me up actually. I remember this kind of wind. Its the strange kind you get at the front of a hurricane. The wind starts and stops, swirls and seems like it doesn't know what it wants to do. Thunderstorms usually have wind that comes from one direction. Hurricanes have strange wind patterns in the beginning part of the storm. Its creepy and it's been blowing like this for two days.

Lets see what the daylight brings.

Selected for Consideration

Good news!
One of my stories was selected to be posted at Rense.com
This is the first time I've shared my writing for consideration in a place besides my Wood Ticks and Laughing Fits blog or on Facebook.
I feel pretty happy! Maybe I will win or place in the competition? Fingers crossed.

An Open Letter to Bobcat

Dear Bobcat,

I want to begin by saying how much I truly do love you. We rescued you from a hard life while you were still a tiny kitten and it has been our pleasure to see to your every need. Now the time has come to go over a few things with you and prepare you for what is in store in the next few days.

You will be neutered. Oh I know you don't know what neutering really is and I'm not going to go into details with you. Lets just say that you will no longer have the urge to bite my wrist, hump my arm and spray in my ear.

You see, Bobcat, when you did that I nearly took your life. An act like that really isn't in my nature so imagine my surprise when it was the first thing that came to mind after you mistreated me. Don't act like I asked for it either. I was laying in bed reading a book when you came running in from the other room with your "Lipstick" at attention. I had nothing to do with your mental state of affairs. How you decided that I would become the object of your desire is absolutely beyond me. I will tell you however, that while I may not have all the answers, I damn sure have the solution.

Oh, and just to let you know, that thing is sharp and it hurt my arm!

From today forward you will stay in the guest bathroom until your neutering. Your brother will be in there with you, (he is having the same procedure done) so you will have some company over the next two days. How you choose to spend your time together is entirely up to you guys. You share the same plumbing so maybe you will get a taste of your own medicine.

You don't like the guest bathroom, I know. But we can not run the risk that you might violently assault me again. I am not, nor will I ever be a punk.

With Love,

Dad

Dawn shared this really great story that I'm sure everyone can relate too.

One of her biology students is a techy, gamer, sci-fi kind of kid. Today he was complaining to Dawn that he isn't challenged in class. The other kids were complaining because they wanted more group work. So, Dawn killed three birds with one stone.

She split the class in half. Told them they were two teams of super hero's 

with powers that must relate to biology. Everyone had to have their own abilities and they must relate to the group.


A few minutes later Dawn noticed that the group with the gamer kid was gathered around him, listening intently. He was assigning biological super powers to each of the kids in his group one by one. He was now the center of attention and clearly a prized asset to the group of 15 or so students.

The other group was having fun, laughing and joking and making a bit of progress. Then Dawn noticed a few of them look at the other group, whisper to each other and suddenly they were totally on task.
A few moments later they asked if the gamer kid could help them with their super hero abilities. After some negotiating the two groups came to an agreement and the kid was allowed to help everyone. He, of course, had the most incredible super powers of all.

So, everyone got their way today and one kid became an unlikely super hero in the process.

A letter to my cat.

Dear Chloe,

When we bought you five years ago we had no idea that you were a kitten with a weak constitution. Don't get me wrong, we could have returned you but we didn't. We let you stay. We've loved you from day one. But Chloe, this has to stop.

You had nearly 2,000 sq. ft to choose from but you chose to puke in the one containing the cable box. Did you expect something other than smoke and fire to shoot out the top? The look on your face led me to believe that you were expecting maybe toy mice and confetti. I don't think I have to tell you twice that those were reeking hot flames Chloe. You were closer to them than I was.

You are lucky that I haven't sold you to Gypsies or some such thing. Each time you return from the vet you have a sparkling clean bill of health. Heaving is just in your nature. So I tolerate your occasional errors in judgement but this is getting stressful.

My living room smells like ozone and vomit. That kind of smell makes me angry. What's more, I have to sit here tomorrow from 1 to 3PM waiting for the cable guy.

I know you aren't going to read this. You never pay attention. So I guess I will have to talk it over with you in person when you come for bedtime cuddles. Don't get me wrong, I'll cuddle you. But I'm gonna cuddle angry Chloe, I'm gonna cuddle angry.

Sincerely,
Dad

Don't Be a Menace to Your Neighbors When You're Flaunting Your Side Boob in the Yard.

Dawn and I have a morning routine that we follow most days. It's no different than yours or any other couples I suspect. But what separates us from the rest of the population is that some of our mornings begin with a visit from The Neighbor Lady.

Take last Tuesday for example.

It was 5:00AM and Curt Cobain was singing "Pennyroyal Tea" over the clock radio.

"Oooh I like this song." I muttered and rolled over to snuggle until the song was over.

"I like it too but its a little too 'shouty' for me first thing in the morning Mike. Please turn it off." Dawn sat up in bed, cocked her head to one side and wrinkled up her face with a quizzical look. "Turn it off Mike. Do you hear that?"

"What?" I said and reached for the radio.

"MIKE turn it off. I think someones knocking on the door."

I reluctantly clicked the song off and made a mental note to dig out my Nirvana CD's later in the day. Then I heard the knocking.

"Oh my goodness. Its too early for this." Dawn said and crawled out of bed a little irritated. We grabbed our robes and walked into the front room. I flicked on the porch light and could see the silhouette of a person outside. Only one person we know could cast that shadow. The Neighbor Lady.

"Dawn don't open that door." I whispered.

"Mike shhhh! The window is open and you just turned the light on. How stupid would it look if we don't answer the door?" 

"Well it could be a motion light." I offered.

"Sure, one that goes on after you stand on the porch for five minutes banging on the door like a crazy woman at o'dark-thirty." Dawn frowned.

I smiled and shot back, "SHHH! The window is open!"

"One second!" I called out and straightened my robe. No need to let too much sexy loose that early in the day.

Dawn opened the door.

The Neighbor lady was standing there in her ratty old nightgown. And to my horror the porch light was illuminating her in such a way that ALL of her sexy was revealed. The fabric of her nightgown was already translucent from thread loss but the light made it transparent. There were shadows in places that shouldn't have been places. If you can imagine a smiling Jabba the Hutt wrapped in a torn white sheet under a spotlight then you have a pretty good idea of what we saw. 

She started in, "OH MAH GAWD! I'm so glad you guy's are home." I didn't know where else we were supposed to be at that time of day but didn't mention it. "Did you know yer ducks are tryin ta kill each other? They doin it right now. Listen!" She pointed to her back yard.

We could hear ducks quacking in the distance. It was normal to hear them every morning except this time the quacking sounded stressed, hurried, kind of urgent. Dawn was the first to break loose from the spell cast by the image before us.

"What's going on? Where are they?" She said taking a step onto the porch.

"They in our pool. Ace is try'in ta kill Sasha! Come see. I'm serious." She motioned quickly with one arm for us to follow. As she waved her arm a piece of of her night gown fell away from her armpit. I now hold the world record for most side boob viewed at one time by any living man. My response was physical. One hand covered my mouth, the other my stomach. I bent over and escaped back into the dark house. Dawn was a little more cavalier about everything. She was worried about her ducks. The idea of them killing each other had her stressed and no amount of side boob was going to keep her from her duckies.

When they got far enough ahead of me I peeked out of the house and quietly followed them. If The Neighbor Lady was making a play for me I didn't want to let on. "No need to fuel that fire." I thought to myself. 

As I approached the back of the Neighbor Ladies house I could clearly hear two ducks splashing in the pool. Then Dawn called out to me.

"Mike, what is Ace doing?" She looked back at the ducks. "ACE GET OFF OF HER!"

I looked in the pool and could see Ace on top of Sasha, pushing her under the water. He was biting her in the back of the neck and beating the water with his wings like a bird possessed. They were both quacking up a storm.

"MIKE! OH MAH GAWD ya got ta stop em! He's gonna drowned'er! Do sumthin'!"

"Um.....actually......It looks like they have everything under control. Well, Ace has everything under control at least. HAHAHA! Git'r boy! Git'r good!" I laughed out loud and said something about early morning duck porn and side boobs but neither Dawn nor The Neighbor Lady caught on to what I meant. I can't blame them for not listening. Duck sex is pretty brutal looking if it happens in the water so I elaborated.

"They aren't killing each other. They are tryin'ta make baby duckies. You two are are sharing a special early morning moment with them is all. I think all the side boob loose in the yard got them a little randy if ya know what I mean." I turned and walked back toward the house with my robe wrapped tightly around me. It wouldn't be any good to stick around and say any more than I already had. Dawn was smart enough to know what I meant and it would be better if she explained things in greater detail for The Neighbor Lady. The last thing I wanted to do at 5:00AM on a Tuesday morning was have to explain the birds and the bees to The Neighbor Lady. Or should I say the ducks and the bees? Either way, she was half nekid, it was dark, it was early and I wanted to find my Nirvana CD's.

Dawn got back to the house about a minute later. She closed the door behind her and looked at me. "Mike, are we going to have baby ducks? I mean I guess they have to do it somehow but I never imagined it being that rough." She turned off the porch light and took a cup of coffee from my outstretched hand. Whoever put a timer on a coffee maker was a brilliant person.

"Well, it sure looks like Ace wants to have baby ducks. So, I guess we have to Google how long it takes a duck to lay eggs after the deed is done." I took a sip of coffee and checked the time. 

Dawn shook her head. "You know what she said? She actually wanted us to get them out of the pool because she didn't think it was sanitary to let them do that in the water. Like I'm going to climb in the pool and break them up."

"HAHAHA! Ace and Sasha are the ones who have to worry about sanitary conditions if you ask me. Have you seen the color of that water lately? The folks at Crayola couldn't imagine that color of green." I smiled.

Then a sound from the yard interrupted us. We put down our coffee and went to the window. It was The Neighbor Lady. She was walking toward our place, both of her arms out to her sides with furious side boob in full effect. Ace and Sasha were in front of her quacking up a storm, waddling away from her as fast as their webbed feet would go. She was talking to them. "Now stay in yer own yard if yer gonna do that. Gawd. Shoo. Go on, git."

I shouted through the screen, "Player hater!"

"Whut?" She called back.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game!" Dawn punched me in the arm. "Damn woman! Can't a duck git a little piece'a tail? You ain't even right! Why you hatin' like that Neighbor Lady?" I shouted.

"Huh?" She was still shooing the ducks.

"Nothing......" I said and pulled the blind back down. "HATER!" I yelled one last time and dodged another swat from Dawn.

"MIKE STOP! You're hollering out the window like a "gangsta" at 5 AM." She threw up the air quotes. "Whats wrong with you?" She walked past me and shut the window. "Now go take a shower or something. Make breakfast. I don't care."

"OOOO Lets take a bath!" I grinned.

"Mike! GIT!" She pointed to the kitchen.

"Come on baby. All this sex and nudity's got me goin! Quack, Quack, Quack!" I reached out and pulled her into my arms.

"MIKE!......OUCH! What the hell is wrong with you? You just bit me on the neck!" She spun around and pushed me away.

I smiled and stepped back. "Fine, be a hater!" 

"You're not a "gangsta" Mike knock it off." Again with the air quotes. She smiled as she walked down the hall to the bedroom.

"Pimpin ain't easy." I shouted back. "Brotha's gotta git his. Right Ace?" I could hear Dawn laughing in the distance. 

So it seems as though we might have baby ducks on the way. That is if The Neighbor Lady can stop hatin'.

Cat Scratch Fever

So it turns out that I've got the Bartonella virus. Otherwise known as Cat Scratch Fever.

Its horrible.

Everything hurts.

In fact, I was in so much pain that I actually cried for a few minutes. Not the sobbing sort of, "Crap my leg is gone." kind of cry but more like the kind of gentle weeping you do when you have cat scratch fever and you've been in wicked pain for two weeks.


Dawn has been a great help during this time. I'm lucky to have a strong wife. She puts up with my moaning and groaning and generally does what she can to keep me comfortable.

OH! And my turkeys ran off with a flock of wild turkeys yesterday. I watched them disappear into the woods together. It was actually kind of nice to see them with a large group of their own kind. Well, my turkeys were white and black  and brown and white so they stuck out pretty easily. I guess they were with their own kind because they were all turkeys but the plumage colors were so vastly different that you could spot them a mile away. I'm sure this will be a disadvantage for them in the wild. There wasn't any way for me capture them once they flew out of their enclosure so I can't be entirely to blame. Maybe they will come back when they get hungry. I still put their feed out for them.

So, in the end, I'm light two pet turkeys and got a wicked case of Cat Scratch Fever.

This summer is taking its toll on me. In fact, North Carolina has been pretty rough on me all around.
Oh, well. Its beautiful, peaceful, and aside from the ticks, fleas, cat bites and lost pets I think I'm gonna like it here.

Wish me luck as we move into Fall. Something tells me I'm going to need it!

I Need A Nurse!

The bugs in North Carolina finally got me. Either that or I'm infected from Jasper biting me and sending me to the emergency room twice in as many weeks.

I don't actually know whats wrong but let me tell you, it hurts.

"Oh Mike, what hurts?" You ask.

Well, everything hurts. My entire body feels like I was dropped from an airplane. Muscles, bones, skin, hair, it all hurts. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to sleep, and it even hurts to lay down.

Some folks have said its Lyme's disease, others have said Fibromyalgia, and yet others have said I'm just a baby and to suck it up and drive on. So, based on those few arm chair diagnoses I'm either chronically ill  or I'm a wimp. Clearly I should see a medical professional and get to the bottom of it.

I mentioned that I have to see a doctor to The Neighbor Lady this afternoon.

"Well if yer whole body hurts then how they gonna know whuts a good place ta start lookin?"

"Seriously? Really?........Be honest, are you really in nursing school?" I stood there without any particular kind of look on my face and waited for her to answer.


"Actually, I used ta go ta nursing school but I'm not goin this semester."

"OK. Then when was the last time you actually took a class?"

"Well, I was gonna be a vet tech but they wanted too much money for the class so I didn't go."

Everything started to make sense.

"Soooooo.......wow.....um......." I looked at the ground and drew in a big breath and brought myself up to my full height. "You've pretty much lied about everything since we moved in haven't you?" I looked at her quizzically.

"Well not really. I worked at tha vet clinic fer a while. But they said I needed ta be downsized before I could come back. I got stuck in  a kennel door an some other stuff happened."

I had to keep from laughing in her face so I turned around quickly and put one hand on my mouth and one on my stomach. I squinted my eyes shut and bit my lip but it was no use. A little BREEEEP of air escaped my lips and then a full blown horse whinny. I bent over and guffawed and stamped on the ground. There isn't a single veterinarian who will risk a lawsuit by saying someone has to "be downsized" before they can return to work.

"COME ON! Did you really work at a vets office? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......wait......oh man....hehehehe.......don't......wait.......hahahahahahahahaha. Or did you......woooooo...... volunteer at the animal shelter?" I was a wreck, tears started to well up in my eyes and my whole body hurt from laughing.

She looked at the ground and said, "Well I worked with a veterinarian and he said I shud go ta school ta be a vet." She looked hurt at that point so I did my best to compose myself and be kind.

"Well you know that those things are very different. A conversation with a veterinarian and actually working in a vets office as a vet tech and going to school to become a nurse are......well.....anyway, how come you didn't.....oh you said the classes were pretty expensive. I remember now." I felt like maybe I had recovered enough and let my grip on my laughter go just a little. Then I thought about her being "Downsized" from an animal shelter and I "BREEEEPed again.

"Hahaha......oh man....I'm so sorry.....um.....so you got downsized from the animal shelter?......hmmmmaaaahh.......ahahaha...." I felt like Austin Powers looking at a mole. "Isn't that volunteer work?" I knew I shouldn't have asked that question because the answer was probably going to put me in stitches and I was already in pain from being sick.


"Well I volunteered ta work with tha dogs cause we used ta raise dogs. So I was gonna work with tha dogs, like walk em an feed em and stuff. But then they said I had ta clean the kennels so I was like, OK, but some of tha kennels is big and some is little and I had a hard time in tha small wuns."

"Oh, yeah I see what you mean. But they should have accommodated you somehow." I was a little unhappy thinking about a heavy person being dismissed from volunteer work just because of their size. I do have a heart. I'm not a cruel person.

"Well, akshully, I got stuck wunce an  some dogs got loose. But it weren't my fault. I got my shirt caught on the door handle ta one of tha outside gates an couldn' git it unhung.
"Well tha director she sees me wriggling an a cussin an she opens da inside gate ta come help me an then dem dogs jus run past her an run past me and they snarlin an gittin stuck by my legs an she is hollerin at me ta close da damn gate but I can't cause I'm hung sideways in tha sumbitchin gate an all them dogs just go shootin' past me inta tha parkin' lot." She flapped her arms while she talked and it looked like maybe a dozen dogs got past her.

"But that weren't so bad cause we caught all them dogs but whut made me mad was da director was pullin an pushin on that gate ta beat hell but I was hung in the middle of da sumbitch an she about kilt me.
"I's all scratched and banged up an Kevin said I should'a sued em fer vi-lence again's me but I never did."

She didn't seem to be completely finished with her explanation so I just stood there using every ounce of Jedi power in me to keep from breaking a smile. Clearly this was a troubling event and compassion, not laughter was the appropriate response.

"An then once I sprayed poop water on a bunch of dogs by accident and they asked me ta not come back." She smiled.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I was laughing so hard that it felt like I was gonna crack a rib or maybe my head might pop off. I just looked at her and held my chest and head and breathelessly choked out the words, "poop....water?.....How the heck?" between gasps and giggles.

She continued, "Well tha directer lady she tells me ta clean the kennels. Employees is s'posed ta do that but she were still mad from tha dogs git'n loose. So I take tha dogs outside an then I'ma start ta cleanin da floors with da hose. But ya aren't sposed ta shoot water at tha poop cause it shoots under the covered fence a'tween the kennels an into tha dogs cage on tha other side. Ya sposed ta pick tha pile up first. So I's just sprayin an a singin' away an blastin all the mess I could see under the tha little space at tha back a each kennel.
"Well, them poor dogs on tha other side were in bad shape. They was howlin and carying on. Some of em was chuckin an slippin in it. But I couldn' hear em a'tall cause I had earplugs in and my iPod was on really loud cause them dogs carry on so loud all tha time. Well, I's almos' done and one of tha other girls come runnin at me and yanks tha hose out'a my hand. She looked madder then hell an she was yellin but I didn' hear her right off so she takes me ta the other side of the covered gate and oh my gawd them dogs on tha other side was jus terrible. Shakin, and reekin and wet. Sum was covered in heave an some in poo. I was terrible sorry fer them. So they didn't wan me ta come back after that."


"So did you help wash the dogs off?"

"HELL NO! There was gobs of poop shot half up the wall on tha other side tha room! There weren't a single dog that didn't have crap all over it. I wasn' gonna stick aroun after that!" She grinned from ear to ear.

"Were you using a fire hose? Because other than a fire hose or a high pressure hose there's really no way to do what you did."

"Oh the hose is a differn't story." She said. "That darn thing could peel bark of a tree if ya weren't careful. I guess a girl let tha pressure git built up wunce and was gonna rinse her flip flop off but it pert near blew a hole in her foot. She sposed ta lost a toe or a toe nail or sum such thing."

"Good lord! Were they using an industrial water cannon?"


"No its jus this big red tank with a cylinder an wheels on it and a hose and ya got ta start it up afore ya can spray. It gots this big'ol pistol handle thing at the end of tha hose and ya gotta use two hands when ya squeese tha trigger or it'll jump back and hit ya in tha teeth. Earywun hated that damn thing. Most of us got hit in the mouth wunce or twice. Sumbitch was evil but it werked like sumthin' else fer git'n dog shit of da floor."

"OK. Please stop. I understand." I held my hand up and leaned on one knee. "No more, please. I'm in so much pain right now and if I keep laughing I might stroke out or something. Oh man.....whooo!" I stood up and shook my head a little and smiled. "They should have done a better job training you with the equipment and I bet everything would have been fine. That wasn't your fault. Don't let anything like that hold you back. Just get back out there and find something you like an be sure to ask lots of questions if you aren't sure of something. Cause really, it sounded like you were a little cavalier with that high pressure hose, right?"

"Well I's havin fun Mike. You never saw nuthin till ya watch piles of dog crap go invisible a'fore yer eyes. I mean that water come out the end of that wand thing like a laser beam an them piles jus' vanish." She held her hands out fingers extended with wide searching eyes.

"HAHAHAHA, OK, OK, I believe you. But really I gotta go home. I should lay down before I fall down. Just keep your chin up and don't worry about saying you were a nurse. I completely understand and so will Dawn. Talk to ya later."

"OK, Mike, hope ya feel better soon. Jus make sure you don't catch a stroke or sumthin. Ya wann sit at our place till Dawn gits home? Ya welcome ta lay on tha couch if ya want. I'll make ya sumthin to eat."

I smiled from ear to ear, "Really? You'd make something to eat?"

"Ya want wun of them loaded baked potatoes you like so much? Prolly be good fer ya ta git some real food in ya if yer sick."

"Um, yeah! Actually I would love that! Heck yeah!" Her loaded baked potato contains cream cheese, regular cheese, sea salt, whole chunks of bacon, fresh chives, fresh parsely, sour cream, and heaven knows what else. Oh, and they are HUGE! There isn't a restaurant in the world that serves a loaded potato like hers.

About an hour later I was laying on the oversized leather couch watching cartoons with The Neighbor Ladies son, Connor. He's three years old and he is one of my best friends. Pretty soon The Neighbor Lady walked into the living room with a big plate and a tiny plate and got us both set up with drinks and napkins and stuff. We sat there together eating our loaded baked potatoes, watching cartoons and giggling up a storm. I was feeling better by the minute.

When The Neighbor Lady came back in to check on us, she commented on how cozy we looked sitting on the couch together. We grinned and both leaned to look past her so we could see the tv. She stepped to the side, shook her head a little and smiled a great big "Mom" smile.

"Um, say, you know how you wanted to be a nurse? Well, you are actually way better than a nurse. You are a great mom, a great cook and a great neighbor. There isn't a nurse around who could take your place. You really made me feel better and you didn't need a nursing degree to do it. Thanks!"

I thought she was going to respond with a thank you or a smile but she just blinked, covered her mouth and tried to say something but it caught in her throat. As she turned around I could see her eyes were watering a little as she walked back into the kitchen.

"You OK Ashley?"

"Ahem, ahem, um...ya....Thanks fer tha compliment Mike. I'm glad you like yer potato."

"Oh, me an Connor are completely content. This is the best medicine in the world right now. You are a real angel."

We finished our food and then, with our belly's full, cuddled on the big leather couch, in the middle of the next cartoon, Connor and I both fell asleep for an afternoon cat-nap.

The Neighbor Lady really is a "Nurse" after all.

Gone Fishin!

During a meeting with a local business owner I was asked the following question.

"Ya like shark fishin' Mike?"

Now how the heck was I supposed to answer that? A million answers ran through my head but this is what came out.

"Heck Yeah! Well...I've never been shark fishing but I've always wanted to go."

"Ya know how ta stand up in a boat?"

"No problem." I said. I've actually been fishing on Lake Michigan since I was a little kid in 16 ft. boats but I didn't bother mentioning it.

"Well I'm goin shark fishin tamorah. Ya wanna come wit me?"

It goes without saying that if the business owner you are trying to land a contract with wants to do something then you smile and do it. If it involves breaking the law then you just weep inside, take a quick moral inventory of yourself and politely tell him no.

Shark fishing doesn't involve breaking the law so I said, "I'd love to go!"

And then I wept inside because I'm scared of sharks.

Most people have a fear of something. My fears are the ocean in general and sharks....because they live in the ocean. The way I see it, sharks have been streamlined by millions of years of evolution to become an efficient killing and eating machine. I, on the other hand, can walk upright and sharpen a stick at both ends if I need to.

"I'ma pick you up early Mike. Like 2 o'clock in the mornin. Ya think ya can be up that early?"

I didn't say it but I can do a heck of a lot of things at 2 o'clock in the morning if it means you are gonna sign a contract with me.

"No problem! Just let me know what I need to bring and I'll be ready."

It is now 10:12 pm and I can't sleep. In less than 4 hours I will be on my way to Nag's Head, North Carolina to go fishing for sharks with a man I do not know in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Oh, I forgot to mention what he said when I told him I'd be happy to join him......

"Ya know Mike, we can go fer tha big'uns if ya gonna come wit me. Ya really need 3 maybe 4 guys ta go fer tha big'uns but I bet ya know yer way aroun' a boat so we ain't gonna have much'a problem I don' think. I like fishin tha big'uns a lot better. Just gotta remember ta get more bait.

"Now, I aint gonna lie Mike, them big'uns can tear ya up so ya got ta listen real good if I tell ya somethin. Ya ain't scared are ya? Cause if ya scared, then a shark, he'll know an he'll git ya. Them bastards is smart. But you just listen ta me an we gonna be OK."

In the event that this is my last blog post I want you all to know that I'm glad I was able to share a bit of my life with you. It's been my pleasure, really it has. (I'm gonna cry) So if I don't come back, just remember....snif....to love your neighbors.....and never ever go shark fishing!

Wood Ticks and Laughing Fits Facebook Page

After receiving a few prompts from friends I decided to create a Facebook page for Wood Ticks and Laughing Fits.

Here it is!

https://www.facebook.com/WoodTicksAndLaughingFits

So I took the chicken and tossed it on her roof.

I walked out of the house yesterday and noticed The Neighbor Lady throwing something off her porch. It was about as big around as a small football and nearly the same color. It hit the ground with a wet, crackly thud and rolled once or twice before stopping a few feet short of the ducks and chickens.

All of the birds turned to see what was lobbed at them. Slowly, one then two and finally all of the birds were pecking and eating whatever it was.

"What did you just throw to those birds?"

"Oh hi Mike! Come over here and look! You won't believe this! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She was laughing and could hardly talk.

I walked closer to the group of birds. There in the middle of them all was a roasted chicken. They were ALL tearing off bits of it and gobbling them down.

"Woman have you lost your mind?" I yelled at her with force.

"Whut?" She stopped laughing.

"You have got to be pretty sick and twisted to do something like that." I bent over and picked up the chicken. The rest of the live birds scattered. "Just because they are willing to eat chicken doesn't mean you should feed it to them." I started to walk back toward my house with the roasted chicken.

"GIMME THAT BACK MIKE! It's mine. You can't take it!"

"Seriously? You want me to give this dead chicken back to you so you can feed it to my ducks and your chickens. What kind of sick pig are you?"

"Mike I'ma do what I want on ma own property. Now give me back the chicken afore ya git me mad!"

So I took the chicken and tossed it on her roof.

"There! Now the chicken is on your property! Ya ain't gawt nuttin ta werry bout naow doo ya?" And I turned around and walked back to my place.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was Kevin, The Neighbor Ladies husband, he looked unhappy.

"Hey Kevin, what's up?"

"Hi Mike....um....Ashley's mad bout what ya did an said I should tell you ta git the chicken off the roof."

"Tell her to climb her big ass up there and get it down herself. I'm sick and tired of you people acting like savages right next door to me. I'm fed up Kevin and I think you understand why. Just tell her to let the vultures eat it. Then you can take pictures of it and post it on Facebook!"

"Mike if her dad see's a dead chicken on his roof he is gonna hurt someone. Please help me get it down."

I smiled at Kevin, "Kevin, the best thing that could happen is that her dad sees that chicken and gets to see first hand how dumb his daughter is. You didn't throw the chicken up there so you don't have anything to worry about. He isn't gonna come over here and say a thing to me about it because he knows better than that. He don't want none of this." I pointed to my mildly overweight midsection.

"Man I don't know."

"Come on Keven, just stay here and have supper and we can play some X-box until after he gets home. When he's done hollering at your wife then you can go back. I'm gonna make pork chops calabrese! You like pork chops don't you?"

"Well, yeah I like pork chops but ya can keep all the caba-reesy off a mine. I don' know what that is." He stepped through the door and looked visibly relieved.

"It's onions, peppers, garlic and herbs, that's all. No big deal. Oh and some red wine."

"Good. I like all those things. Ya think ya might-could put extra wine on mine? I'ma haf'ta git good an drunk before I go home jus ta put up with all the yellin if that's ok?" He smiled.

"Kevin, I will get you so rip roaring drunk that you won't even be able to hear! Do you want to start a camp fire later? Or should we go looking for that tunnel you were talking about? We should see if we can find it and see where it goes!"

"OH YEAH! Lets git drunk and find that tunnel...." He paused and cracked a great big grin. "Man I feel better already!"

And so we commenced to making dinner. It was so good that we didn't bother getting drunk. We ate far to much food and couldn't fit anything else in our stomachs.

 Kevin went home around midnight. I didn't hear any yelling or gunfire so I imagine everything went well.

I was happy for him. He's a good guy.

The chicken wasn't on the roof this morning. The Neighbor Ladies dad fished it off with a broom tied to a rope. Evidently he was threatening his daughters life the majority of the time and saying how he was tired of living like The Beverly Hillbillies.

We will see how serious he is. Only time will tell.

Yes, I fall out of trees from time to time.

 KingHomeBrewer asked if I would elaborate on a comment that Dawn made in one of my earlier posts. She said, "Well at least you didn't fall out of a tree again."

King, as promised, this is for you.

Yes, I fall out of trees from time to time. I didn't climb many trees in Wisconsin over the last ten years so I don't know whats got into me since moving to North Carolina. Maybe it has something to do with being around Vincent. I'm not blaming my nine year old son for my unstable tree climbing. I'm simply saying that having him around brings out the kid in me. I have to climb trees. That's what Dad's are supposed to do.

If you read some of my earlier posts you may have noticed that Vincent and I are trying to build a tree fort.Now lets rewind to before those posts, like four weeks ago actually. Vincent was in Virginia with his mother and I was bored one day.  So, I decided to start building the fort and surprise him.

Well, you can't just build a fort, you have to scout out an area for the fort first.

Normal people would walk around, look at some trees, maybe climb one, get down, look around and then decide on which one to use. Normal people do that. I never claimed to be normal. See, you need to determine if you have escape routes and places for ladders, extra levels, gun turrets, sniper nests, or maybe even an alien landing pad. As you can see its actually a day long job deciding which trees to use.


Now, if you only have one tree on your property then your choice is pretty darn easy. In a case like that you can pretty much make your decision in bed, or at breakfast, or as you are gathering materials to make the fort. But if you have four acres to wander around on then things can become complicated.

After rooting around in the woods for an hour I finally settled on a group of fallen trees that were knocked over by hurricane Irene. They were old, huge and had safely nestled all the way down on the ground.

There is nothing scarier than getting five kids in a tree fort and all of a sudden the tree falls or shifts with all of them in it. They tend to fill their pants when that happens. I was not going to be the dad responsible for giving some kid a nickname like Doody Pants, Poopy, or Stinky. They don't need any help when it comes to unkind nicknames. I made darn sure everything was stable.

In fact, I jumped up and down on all the limbs. I shook branches, knocked down dead fall that hadn't quite fallen all the way to the ground and basically spent ten minutes trying to get the tree to do something I wouldn't want it to do if my child were in it.

Nothing happened.

Until.

A small step to the side turned out to be a step into open air. The only thing able to stop my decent was my fingernails that clawed at branches, leaves and ticks on the way down. Somehow I managed to spin myself onto my back instead of going down head first.

Splat!

I landed flat on my back across the only log around for ten feet in any direction. Oh, and I couldn't breathe either. I knocked the air out of myself with such force that it made a whistling sound when it left my chest. My teeth chomped and snapped at the air, my nostrils flared and my eyes watered. The noises I made sounded like a water buffalo in heat.


Finally I caught my breath and started to wiggle my fingers and toes. One by one I inventoried all my parts. Everything moved and I could feel everything. Some spots were worse than others but at least I had feeling everywhere.

It was now or never. I took a chance and crawled to my feet.. No one saw me, thank goodness, so I clambered out of the woods like a bull in a china shop. I had no balance, my butt hurt like crazy and my back was close to calling it quits. All I wanted to do was get in a hot shower to rinse the ticks and pine cones out of my hair.

The water felt awesome!

Dawn came home from work a few hours later and found me curled up in bed.

"What happened?" she said.

"What? Nothing. Why?"

"Mike, what happened? Its 4:00 in the afternoon and you are laying in bed, there is a wet towel on the floor and a trail of filthy clothes and pine needles leading into the shower. You didn't put the Ibuprofen away and you left the juice out with the cap off. What happened?"

"Oh, yeah, um....I fell down and hurt my back a little bit. No big deal."

"How high up were you when you fell?"

"How did you?.....Did someone....... I wasn't! Who...?"

I swear she is either a mind reader or a wizard or something. Nothing gets by her.

"Mike, what did I tell you about going in the woods when I'm not home? Do you want to go to the emergency room?"

"Well, no, but I do need some more Ibuprofen." I gave her my 'I was being good' face and hoped she would get the pills and some water and forget about it.

"You can probably get them yourself if you aren't hurt right? Go ahead." She stepped back and motioned down the hall.

That has got to be a wizards trick.

"Fine! I'll do it myself!" I said and tried to pop out of bed.

At about the point that my feet hit the floor I let out a yelp and doubled over onto my side. One hand held my side and the other my tailbone.

Clearly this was not a job for Ibuprofen.

"OK get dressed and I'll move the car closer to the door. You are going to the emergency room so they can check if you broke anything. If you tell me 'no' then I won't take you the next time you 'want' to go."

"Holy crap Dawn that's a little harsh don't you think?" I gave her my best angry face but it wasn't convincing.

"Do you want your walker or your crutches? I saved them both for you. Or do you need the wheel chair?" Hearing her say walker made me feel like a geriatric patient. Unfortunately I've had to use all three over the past couple years for various reasons.

"Um....get the walker. When we get to the hospital I'll probably need someone to bring a wheel chair." I just shook my head and stared at the bedroom floor. I need to be more careful. It's embarrassing  to know that I have what amounts to a small clinic's worth of mobility aids on hand.

Dawn called to me from the spare bedroom. Her voice was soft and sounded far away. She must have been in the back of the closet.

"Honey! I found all your braces! I have your back brace here and the two knee braces that make you look like The Terminator......Oh here's your ankle and wrist things you don't like......Hey! Did you know we had all the Ace bandages?" Her voice became muffled as she tunneled deeper into the closet, no doubt finding more and more medical devices that have accumulated over the years.

Finally she came back down the hall, snapped the walker open in front of me and said. "Honey, you have enough stuff in there to start a small rehab clinic! Did you even know you had all that stuff?"

I just looked at her and smiled weakly, "Princess, all that stuff got there because I came home wearing it, riding it or leaning on it. Trust me, I know its there."

She shook her head, "Man, I'm surprised you haven't paralyzed yourself yet."

"Yet being the operative word in that statement I imagine. Just get the car please."

The x-rays and CAT scan came back negative. If anything was broken or bleeding inside it wasn't major. At least I couldn't feel it and the doctors couldn't see it. I was given orders to relax for the next few days and told to stay out of trees.

Right.

Like that's gonna happen!

How do they expect me to build a tree fort?

Silly doctors!

...the police were only called once...

All the fireworks are gone. I mean at least The Neighbor Ladies husband doesn't have any more. And while its sad to know they are gone it sure was mighty fun watching them go!

Three nights of fireworks. The big kind. No whistling moon travelers or bottle rockets. We had mortar tubes with shells the size of my fist.


Kevin thought it would be OK to leave the box of shells five feet from the launch pad when he let the first one off. Sparks rained down on him and into the box as the rocket went THUMP, and left the tube at a billion miles an hour. I'm sure the entire neighborhood heard me yelling, "RUN LIKE HELL KEVIN!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! LEAVE EM BRO!!! JUST LEAVE EM!!! GIT DA HELL OUT'A THERE!!!!"

In fact, the police were only called once on us and when they got there the officer had very little to say.

"I really can't do anything about it because tomorrow is the 4th. But someone did complain that their windows were rattling."

I was a little confused by that statement but I wasn't going to press him for specific information. I mean, was he letting us get away with something? Was he legally not able to do anything? I was so damn curious to know exactly what he meant but my experience with police has taught me that less is more and if they are happy then you should be too.

He continued, "So if you folks could just hold off on the fireworks until the 4th then you would really make my job a lot easier."

Was he telling us to wait until midnight? I just stood there and smiled at him and nodded my head, thankful that he hadn't bothered to get out of his car.

I looked at everyone and said, "Sounds good! Thanks for letting us know. We'll get this cleaned up and keep everything to a dull roar for the rest of the night."

He smiled, "Mighty kind of you."

In the distance a firework went up and cast a pale green glow on the officer and his cruiser. We had our backs to it but he was facing the direction it came from and saw it go off. Everyone was motionless. The smell of sulfur hung in the air.

I just knew that The Neighbor Lady wouldn't let it slide. Something in my mind told me to tackle her and hold her big mouth shut but I didn't want to get charged with assaulting someone directly in front of a cop.

I imagined how it would sound in court.

"Yes Your Honor. I was about to leave and that's when Mr. Gonzalez turned like this..... lowered his shoulder like this........ and just tackled The Neighbor Lady.

"By the time I got out of my cruiser he was holding her down and saying 'Shhhhh, no no no, shhhhhh, its ok just shut your mouth woman, please just shut your mouth.' So I grabbed my taser and shot him in the ass. 

"He shook like a dog crapping a corn cob and rolled up under the front end of the cruiser.
I guess that's how he chipped his teeth. Probably got his mouth tangled up in the linkage or something.

"I could tell he was hurting so I let off the taser. He thanked me and just laid in the dirt and cried. He promised not to give me any sass so, I backed the cruiser off him and stood him up........

"No, Your Honor, no one said a word after that. I think everybody was pretty damn scared when Mr. Gonzalez rode the lightning. It was so quiet that you could'a heard a mouse pissin' on cotton."

I giggled a little to myself and then watched the green glow of the firework fade from the officers face. It was beautiful actually, slow motion, so soft and quiet. He had tiny fireworks reflected in his big cop eyes and it made me want to pull him close and hug him and send him safely on his way. But then, just as quickly as the green light of peace and harmony shone round about us, it was gone. The big cop eyes turned into black limpid pools as the 'pop' from the distant firework finally reached our ears.

It was all she could take. The Neighbor Lady let loose.

"WELL WHUT DA HELL YA GONNA DO BOUT DEM PEOPLE HUH? Dey shootin firewerks off too and yer tellin us we got ta quit. It ain't fair! I wanna know who called da cops on us! They got no rite doin such a thing when everwun is shootin em off."

"Ma'am, we never give out information about who placed a nuisance call."

"Well if I fine' out who dun it I'ma beat da hell out'a sumwun."

Click-click, swish, thump. 

He unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door, and stepped out of the cruiser faster than greased lightening off a polecats ass in June. 

The cop eyes changed, they meant business. I trotted away.

"Ma'am. Don't turn this into something it isn't. I asked you politely if you would stop the fireworks and everyone else seems agreeable. Go back to your house and enjoy the rest of your evening."

By the time he said, "Don't turn this into" I was already across the yard seated next to Dawn with my legs crossed. 

Kevin stayed with his loud mouth wife. 

Dawn asked me what was happening and Vincent was excited because the police were there. He's nine.  Anything shiny with lots of lights will get his attention.

"Um. The Neighbor Lady is trying to become the featured incident on the next episode of World's Dumbest."

"HAHAHA What?"

"She's arguing with the officer about the fireworks. She's cracked!" 

We heard the door shut on the cruiser and the officer drove away. There was nothing more to report. Everything was fine.

The boys asked if we would let them have sparklers so I lit one for Vincent. He stood in front of us with a huge smile on his face and spun the sparkler in a big circle as fast as his little arm would go. He was living proof that you don't need heavy artillery to enjoy the fireworks on the 4th of July. We had each other and some sparklers and our independence from the British. What more could a guy ask for?

Oh, we had The Neighbor Lady too. You can't forget about The Neighbor Lady.

Forts, Heat Waves, and Wizard 101

Vincent and I decided to build a fort today. Actually we didn't get much farther than the planning stage because it's been blisterly hot here lately. The temperature hovers around 100-104 during the day. But we can't be expected to stay inside during summer vacation can we?

The past four days we've waited until dark to leave the house but not today. I woke up, got dressed, fed the boy, dressed him, scrubbed his teeth and told him that we were going to build a fort no matter how hot it was outside.

"Um, Dad. If it gets too hot I might have to go back in the house OK?"

"Don't worry buddy. We will take it easy. In fact we are bringing water bottles and cookies with us so we can stay hydrated and keep our blood sugar up."

"Whats hy-ja-tay-ted?"

"Hydrated, it means that we have to keep drinking water so we don't dehydrate or dry out inside."

"Well can't you just say that we have to drink a lot of water so we don't get dried out inside?"

"I guess I could." 

"Dad, we could die out there and then...."

I interrupted him,"No we will not die out there. We will only be 200 feet from the house."

"OK Dad."    

I filled a backpack with rope, water, a hammer, nails, cookies and some tape. I don't really know what the tape was for. Maybe it was the boy scout in me. Be prepared!

Vincent watched me load everything into the pack. "Dad. Mom said we aren't supposed to take rope into the woods. We could hang ourselves."

"No, YOU are not supposed to take rope into the woods because YOU could hang YOURSELF." I pointed at him and grinned, "See the difference?"

Dawn heard us from the other room and came in the kitchen. "Mike. I don't want you two taking rope in those woods. Someone's gonna get all slung upside down and I don't want to have to cut anyone loose or visit the emergency room today. Put it back."

"See Dad! I told you! Neither of us can do it!" Vincent smiled ear to ear.

"Dawn, I need the rope so Vincent can pull on the trees I have to chop down."

Both Vincent and Dawn chimed in together, "WHAT?"

"Dad! Are we really gonna chop down trees? HAHAHAHOOOOOOO YEEEEAAAH!"

"Mike you've lost your mind. It's five thousand degrees outside and you want your 9 year old son to pull down trees in the tick infested forest. Why don't you two find something to do inside that doesn't involve chopping, building, or hanging from anything?"

"Mom, Dad is really safe. We will be OK." Vincent was using his most reassuring voice. Then he looked at me and said a little incredulously, "Dad, are you really gonna chop down a tree?"

"Yep, I'm gonna chop down more than one tree actually. See, we need to make a floor for the tree fort and I measured out a ten by ten foot area that we need to turn into the floor and....."

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! We're gonna chop down trees!"

Dawn grimaced."Vincent! Don't shriek please." He apologized and jumped up and down in place for the next minute. Clearly the idea of chopping something down was right up his alley. I knew it would be. I was nine years old once too. I know all about that kind of stuff.

Dawn continued, "If I have to take someone to the hospital today I'm going to leave you both there. I'm serious. I will take you there but you will both be walking home."

"Relax Honey. Everything will be fine. Trust me."

"Famous last words Mike. Famous last words."

Vincent stopped jumping and huffed and puffed for a moment. I looked at him and cracked a big Cheshire grin. "You ready boy?"

"YEEEEEESSSSS!" he shrieked.

"Hahahaha! Buddy you have to use your inside voice please."

I helped him get the backpack on and he nearly ran me over on his way to the door. I could hear the water sloshing in the two big bottles and watched as it took him a little off balance. He got to the door and steadied himself then turned around with his hand on the doorknob and waited for me.

"Come on Dad!" He swung the door open.

I would not say that we actually winced as the outside air hit us but we both had a physical reaction. Vincent put both his hands out as if to hold back the heat and I squinted like an old bachelor farmer peering across a dry field.

"WHEW! You ready boy?"

"Um...Dad..."

"No, no, no. You can't chicken out on me now buddy. We have work to do."

I took his hand and we made a few steps onto the porch. We were still in the shade of the overhang and stopped just short of the shadow it cast. To say that the air was hot and thick would be an understatement. Every pore in our bodies flew open to prepare for the sweat that was sure to follow.

We made our way through the yard and over to the shed. We stood in the shade of the shed and I gathered the camp ax and machete. The trees were only ten yards away so we ran across the open distance like a couple of jack rabbits. Then we struggled for a bit as we worked our way a little deeper into the forest. The trees provided a bit of relief against the direct rays of the sun but the air was so still that it was a challenge to breathe. Finally we got to the group of fallen trees we planned to use as the foundation for our fort and stopped.

"Dad. I can't carry this backpack anymore. I'm just gonna put it down right here OK?" He was huffing and puffing.

"Bring it here buddy, I'll carry it." I helped him take it off and slung it over my shoulder. Wow, it was heavier than I thought it was.

"OK, I'm gonna jump up here on this fallen tree. I need you to...OUCH! Holy cow! Vincent don't touch that tree it's hot." I had put my hand on the horizontal trunk of a huge fallen tree and was shocked by how hot it was. Little pieces of loose hot bark stuck to my sweaty palm and I quickly brushed my hands off on my shorts. I must have looked pretty concerned because the tone in Vincent's voice told me he was a little nervous.

"DAD! There's trees everywhere. Whats wrong?"

"Oh you don't have to worry buddy. That one tree there was a little hotter than I thought it was going to be is all. Its no big deal."

"Well if you can't touch the trees then does that mean we have to go back in the house?" He sounded hopeful.

I looked around the woods. What else could we do out here that didn't include touching anything hot? I thought about digging a pit under an up turned root system and covering it with branches but decided against it. Every animal in the forest was under those root systems right now seeking shelter. I didn't want to tangle with a water moccasin or a hot opossum.

"We can just go back in the house I guess. You want to play some Wizard 101?" I asked.

"YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA! I LOVE WIZARD 101!" He started to jump up and down and thrust his arms back and forth like he just scored a game winning touchdown.

"I'm gonna see if my friends are online and then maybe if you help me we can go after that one guy in the cave together...." He trailed off as he walked back toward the house.

By the time I got home he was already inside, in front of the computer waiting for me with a big smile. I put the backpack down and grabbed my laptop. When I finally settled in next to him I let out a big sigh and turned on the computer. He could tell I was a little let down that we couldn't stay outside. It's amazing how sensitive kids are. He reached over and put his hand on my arm and patted me, "It's OK Dad. We can build that fort any time when it's not hot out. Plus we can't even touch the trees anyway."

I smiled and looked at him. He was already logging in to Wizard 101 and didn't notice me staring at him. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the side of his head.

"You promise to help me make it the best fort there ever was?"

"Dad, everything we do is the best! And if we don't have to go to the hospital then it will be even better right?"

I just kept smiling at him. Then I picked a wood tick off his neck, crushed it and logged in to the game.